If You Can Add 'That JD Vance Just F*cked' To The End Of A Campaign Statement, It's A Bad Campaign Statement
I mean, unless you're the Harris campaign obviously.
We hate to show up at Mar-a-Lago and start slapping Donald Trump’s Mario Kart dick out of everyone’s mouths — mostly because we’re worried it’d make some kind of comical Nintendo sound — but the advice in that headline is basic Campaign 101 kinda stuff.
If you’re making a campaign statement, and you can add “that JD Vance just fucked” or “for JD Vance to fuck” or “the kind JD Vance likes to fuck? Don’t know, what did you hear?” to the end of a campaign statement, it’s a bad statement.
We are of course referring to the Trump campaign desperately trying to do … we don’t even know what … by ending one of its statements by comparing Kamala Harris’s relatability to that of a “worn-out couch.”
There is no way this was not intentional. There is no way those unfuckable losers didn’t think they were doing something funny and clever, something on the level of NO, JD VANCE DOESN’T FUCK COUCHES, YOU FUCK COUCHES!
Here is the statement in question:
“President Trump is an inspiring and gifted storyteller and referencing pop culture is one of many reasons why he can successfully connect with the audience and voters. Whereas, [Vice President Kamala Harris] is as relatable as a worn-out couch.”
The quote came from Steven Cheung, the incel-looking Trump campaign spox whose paycheck as far as we can tell is given in exchange for tasting Trump’s bathwater to make sure he farted in it. Oh, and issuing statements like these.
The article in question was in the Washington Post, attempting to answer why Donald Trump, a gross-looking man with clown makeup and apparent dementia, during every single rally starts babbling about Hannibal Lecter.
Recently, his intended meaning — and how fucking stupid Trump really is — suddenly hit a bunch of people all at once. People realized Trump always tells starts fugue-stating about “the late great Hannibal Lecter” and “He’d love to have you for dinner” while ranting about immigration. About asylum-seekers, he said at the Republican Convention, “That’s insane asylums. They’re emptying out their insane asylums.”
It suddenly dawned on people that this halfwit imbecile thinks “asking for asylum” is the same kind of “asylum” as “insane asylum.” The Occam’s Razor with Trump is always the most obvious and also stupidest answer.
“Ohhhhhhhhh!” it dawned on people. “He’s THAT dumb.”
And as the Post explains, and as we’ve alluded to in the past, Trump’s brain, and his cultural references, and probably his wangledong, are preserved in amber in the 1980s. He never left that decade. That’s the last time any of his shit functioned. That’s the last time anybody who matters pretended they respected him with a straight face. (They never really respected him.)
That’s when he got his picture on Playboy and Time covers. That’s why he thinks New York is a crime-infested murder show, because in his brain, it’s the ‘80s outside. He’s a cultural hermit who stopped meaningfully leaving the house in the ‘80s.
It’s why he was once confused whether American veterans have cell phones. Those are for the “Miami Vice” guys! If it’s still 1988 in your mind.
Or as Trump biographer Tim O’Brien puts it in the Post article:
Trump is the “crypt keeper for the 1980s,” which was “the high point of his life until he became president,” said Tim O’Brien, a Trump biographer who has criticized the former president.
“Every time he opens the door, people spill out from the 1980s, whether it’s Roger Stone or Rudy Giuliani, fashion from the ’80s spills out, whether it’s his monochrome tie or suits that invariably are made in two or three different colors … his office decor is still in the 1980s,” he said. “None of his tastes have been updated in decades.”
And The Silence of the Lambs, book version, was side-by-side with The Art of the Deal in bookstores, and the movie came out in 1991.
His brain is dementia-stuck in one of those years.
Or maybe we’re wrong, and as Steven Cheung said, it’s because Trump is an “inspiring and gifted storyteller” with a penchant for referencing pop culture, whereas Kamala Harris “is as relatable as a worn-out couch.”
(That JD Vance recently grabbed by the cushy.)
Evan has a new side project called The Moral High Ground, you should check it out and subscribe there too!
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
If you're shopping on Amazon anyway, this portal gives us a small commission.
No way that’s Steven Cheung. That’s the nightmare baby from “Brazil.” You can’t fool me.
The man's so dumb that he thinks asylum is insane asylum, and visa is a credit card, but sure, let's have him be president again...