Trump Knows What Makes Whales Bipolar, It Is Windmills
Also, do veterans have cell phones?
Yesterday, Donald Trump went to a gun shop in Summerville, South Carolina, and pretended to buy a gun, in order to send a thrill up the legs of his dog-brained followers. Then he did a speech at a campaign stop. It was pretty good, as Trump speeches go, because we learned stuff.
Did you know our precious veterans don’t have cell phones? Every single one of the millions of thousands of people who waltz across the border every day have cell phones — the fancy ones, with cameras and Candy Crush probably! — but not our veterans.
We guess in Donald Trump’s diseased brain it’s still 1987 and cell phones are luxuries unattainable for all except “Miami Vice” characters and those on welfare.
Also we knew windmills were very dangerous killers of planes and birds, because Trump has been telling us for years, but did you know windmills are a detriment to whales’ mental health?
Aaron Rupar grabbed a bunch of videos, we owe it to the whales and the disconnected veterans to watch them.
TRUMP: Weirdest thing, [immigrants] come in by the tens of thousands, sometimes a day, and they all have cell phones! I’m saying, where do they get the cell phones? Everybody has a cell phone! They’re all talking on these beautiful cell phones! And they’re expensive phones too, they’re nice ones. Somebody who’s into that said those are good phones!
Trump is fascinated by migrants’ access to such newfangled technology. They probably have VCRs too, the lucky ducks.
He babbled a few more sentences that were the same, and then:
TRUMP: They’re all coming in with cell phones! Our veterans don’t have cell phones, do they?
Can’t thank them for their service if they don’t have service.
Now about those goddamned windmills.
This clip starts with Trump saying Joe Biden is “trying to bludgeon the boating and maritime industry,” which reminded us of the illiterate, mangled way Trump says the word “industry.” It’s like he just heard it wrong as a child and nobody ever loved him enough to correct him. (This could explain a lot of things.)
Then Trump whined about low speed limits for boats, set low allegedly to protect the whales, but pfffffft that does not protect whales, boats do not hit whales, Donald Trump knows what hits whales, it is windmills.
TRUMP: There has only been, listen to this, one such whale killed off the coast of South Carolina in the last 50 years. But on the other hand, their windmills are causing whales to die in number never seen before, nobody does anything about that. They’re washing up ashore, I saw it this weekend, three of them came up!
Donald Trump saw three whales come ashore this weekend, murdered by windmills.
TRUMP: The windmills are driving them crazy, they’re driving, they’re driving, the whales, I think, a little batty, and they’re washing up on shore at levels never seen before!
Windmills aren’t just killing the whales, apparently. They’re making them bipolar.
It’s easy to laugh at Donald Trump, because of how his brain is clearly inhabited by raccoons with late-stage syphilis, but Matthew Gertz at Media Matters notes that this is coming from right-wing climate-denying charlatans on Fox News, which Trump clearly still watches a lot of. Wonkette at Wonkette notes that nah.
Obviously Trump’s brain is confused about some of the details. Not sure Fox News is talking about windmills causing the whales to need Zoloft.
Elsewhere in the speech, Trump suggested that China gave the world the “China virus” because they were “not too happy” with him. Also he wanted to give himself the Congressional Medal of Honor for that time he flew to Iraq, which was a very scary thing.
In summary and in conclusion, Donald Trump bragged this month about (allegedly) doing well on a dementia test (correctly identifying a camel) back in 2018, and worthless Beltway reporters should write a bunch more articles about how voters are worried about Joe Biden’s age.
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
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Wait till he finds out the government is giving phones to poor people and paying for them to use them, I'm guessing that includes veterans.
That square hair is really something. There's nearly perfect right angles, did they just get it out of the box and not have a chance to fluff it out?