In The Wonkette System, There Are Dogs And There Are Cats. These Are Their New Year's Resolutions.

Looking back sucks. Looking forward sucks. Look at these furry idiots instead!

Can you tell I am wet? It’s because I was standing in the rain and refusing to poop! I am Ruby.

Know what a good thing to do is when it is New Year’s Eve and you are a political website for liberals and other decent people, staring down an oncoming train that has dementia and wishes it was Vladimir Putin’s little baby boy? Look at pictures of our pets, and encourage you to do the same.

Y’all met my new puppy Ruby on November 11.

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The New Boss Of You Is RUBY

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Now see how much she has grown.

Here she is watching “Dateline.”

She barks at every animal on TV. ASPCA commercials really piss her off.

Ruby, like her ancestor Lula, also has a particular affinity for a squeaky duck. This one was bought by my parents and it is her favorite of all her 4,000 toys.

Now please turn your speakers up so that you may watch Ruby howl with her duck. This is a thing that happens 75 times per day, and I video it almost every time. Sometimes I show Ruby the video of her howling with her duck, and in response, she howls more. It is like duck howling inception.

Ruby’s New Year’s resolution is “Be bad again some more.”

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You likely have already met Dok’s cat Thornton, but if you haven’t, here are some new pics.

Here’s Thornton and his bandaged paw in June after having a toe removed for a biopsy. (Hooray, he is now fine!) Dok says he slept pretty comfortably even with the Cone of Shame.

And here is Thornton keeping Dok’s computer safe and waiting for Dok to kiss the top of his head, plus another of him being very comfortable on Dok.

Thornton’s resolution is to never miss an opportunity to jump up on the bathroom counter when Dok is brushing his teeth, because he has trained Dok to cup his hands under the faucet to give him drinks of water. He is pretty sure Dok should do this whenever he’s anywhere near the sink, actually.

This is Marcie’s sweet baby Tina, who we hear is extremely goofy and a very good girl:

Tina’s New Year’s Resolutions, in no particular order, are:

1. Catch some squirrels.

2. Escape backyard to hump Bedlington Terrier next door.

3. Figure out how to open refrigerator.

You have met Rebecca’s animals, probably, presumably. [She is ashamed to have to correct herself here.] That is Miss Pickles (floor) who came pregnant with the house. Her daughter Tipitina (toilet, left) and her late son Samuel Gompers (toilet, right). In the middle are Grandma Donna’s dog Jerry Brown (the dog) and Lucy, the protector of all living things. Right is Emma, who has PTSD from her time as a feral pregnant puppy stealing chickens in Montana winter. Oh, she wants to be good SO BAD!

Tipitina and her late brother Samuel Gompers, Who Would Not Stay Inside, their mother mother, Miss Pickles, behind them; Jerry Brown, Lucy and Grandma Donna; Emma the Good

Here is when Rebecca first brought Lucy home from the shelter and Emma said here is my puppy I am her mom I will be her mom forever and play with her 100 hours a day.

Their New Year’s goals are to remain perfect and never do a bad thing and be SO GOOD SUCH GOOD DOGS ALWAYS. Tipitina’s resolution is to continue being a dick. Miss Pickles knows which side her bread is buttered on, she’ll let you do whatever.

Do you have pets? Do they have New Year’s Resolutions? When you tell them they are good, do you remind them that they could be great? (Stolen joke.)

Show and tell us in the comments!

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