Indicted Bonkers Weirdo Jeffrey Clark Might Need A Policeman Or Grownup, Hard To Tell
Is the Right getting better at comedy? Or is that what the people with spirit animals WANT us to think?
Jeffrey Clark, he is the unhinged goon weirdo who’s an unindicted (so far) co-conspirator and coup-plotter in Special Counsel Jack Smith’s federal Republic-overthrowing trial against Donald Trump. He has also now caught charges in Georgia.
He’s the one who was like, oh, if we do a coup to steal the 2020 election and people riot, “that’s why there’s an Insurrection Act.” He wanted to literally use the military to attack the American people if they got mad about “coup.”
This is the one Trump wanted to take over the Justice Department as part of his magical plan to overthrow America. Clark wanted to be the one at the top of DOJ telling states official DOJ lies about voter fraud, so they could all do their parts in the coup.
But listen, when we say he’s batshit, what we mean to say is that he’s batshit. This is the crazy person who with a straight face was like yeah, man, the Chinese thermostats changed the Dominion machine votes! SHUT UP I’M NOT WEIRD YOU’RE WEIRD!
So we don’t know if he thinks he’s being funny, or if he’s schizophrenic, or he’s just a dork, or if he’s terrified out of his skull, or some combo of all these things, but here is a tweet he sent this week, a couple days after what we hope was merely his first indictment (don’t worry, it has been ratio-ed hard):
“Today witches, spiritists, mediums, those with spirit animals, and Ukrainian NPCs resumed their attacks on me.”
Well OK. Hate to hear it.
Show us on the doll where the witches and the spiritists and mediums and those with spirit animals and the Ukrainian NPCs are attacking you?
Again, this is who Donald Trump wanted to be the (acting) attorney general in the waning days of his presidency, before the entire Justice Department threatened to resign if that happened.
For evidence that he thinks he’s being funny, somebody asked why he wouldn’t acknowledge warlocks, and he replied with the laughing-until-crying emoji. As we all know from its proliferation in the Elon Musk era of Paid Blue Check Dumbass Twitter, that emoji signifies that the user is angrier than they have ever been, but is pretending to take it in stride.
But we are also dealing with somebody who thinks Chinese thermostats did Pizzagate to the Dominions, soooooooooo there’s a decent chance we’re also dealing with somebody who thinks spiritists and mediums and people with spirit animals are literally doing Devil Boner Ouija Boards to him under his bed at night.
As for the “Ukrainian NPCs” thing, “NPC” means “non-player character” in computer games. So if he thinks Ukrainian NPCs are chasing him — and also the cast of “Charmed” — he might need to be taken somewhere safe where there aren’t a lot of sharp corners on the furniture. (Or a policeman. Or a grownup.)
But maybe it is a funny joke only people like him understand! Is it a funny name he has for people on Twitter who have Ukrainian flags in their bios? Among the kinds of white traitor nerd incels who think he’s a cool guy, is that an inside “joke”?
Who knows.
(The only other thing we found when we googled “Ukrainian NPC” is the Ukranian National Paralympic Committee, which, if he thinks they are attacking him, then um, back to the policeman and/or the grownup.)
Peter Strzok is making fun of him.
“But at the moment, thank god, still safe from the driveway underwear pixies,” said Strzok.
It’s funny because remember Jeffrey Clark in his fuckin’ underpants when they raided his house in Virginia? That’s right, Jeff Clark is El Señor Driveway Von Underpants!
So many people are making fun of Clark right now. It’s easy and fun, you can try it if you want!
In summary and in conclusion, it is just scientifically true that witches and spiritists and mediums and people with spirit animals and Ukrainian NPCs are secretly plotting to do all manner of nefariousness to Jeffrey Clark, and he can run and he can hide, but they will find him, because they always win.
They’re gonna do it tomorrow too.
Boo!
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.
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So I had this collection of crystal buttplugs. Really beautiful. Many faceted to catch the light, but curved enough to hold comfortably inside yourself. Pure art already, right?
But then, on the base of each was rendered in gorgeous, full-colour Swarovski crystals the logo of a company that the right wing decided they hated and must be destroyed. Even had a couple school logos. 53 of them. Had the collection appraised and if sold together they could have fetched over $40k.
Then the god damn witches hatched a plot with these spirit macaques and a fucking driveway underpants fairy and up and stole them all.
I plan to sue MSNBC.
NPC.
Non Playable Character in a game.
Right wing insult of the 4chan/Q variety. NPC's don't think, don't react, don't do anything other than whatever loop they're scripted to run in the game.
Calling Ukrainians NPC's is saying they're not making any decisions. They're just blindly following America's orders by not surrendering to Russia. They have no free will, they can only follow the script provided to them.