Is It Time To Panic? Or Is Everything Cool? Please Advise.
Can we go back to writing 'Taylor + Travis 4Ever' on our Trapper Keepers?
Statement from Chairman Rep. Mike Turner of the House Intelligence Committee:
“Today, the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence has made available to all Members of Congress information concerning a serious national security threat.
“I am requesting that president Biden declassify all information relating to this threat so that Congress, the Administration, and our allies can openly discuss the actions necessary to respond to this threat.”
HEEEENGHHH?
Of course, this is a Republican, so immediately it’s kinda like, um, so — how to say this delicately — we don’t believe you. You’re all still sucking on a 91-times-indicted traitor criminal who wants to sell NATO for parts and then give the money to Vladimir Putin, so kinda sorta eat a bag of dicks telling us about “serious national security threat.”
What, you find Hunter Biden’s penis hiding on a mountain in Ukraine?
Is it aliens?
And when you say aliens you mean from outer space or are you just bein’ racist?
Is Hunter Biden’s penis the aliens?
Is the aliens Hunter Biden’s penis?
Has the intel community uncovered incontrovertible evidence Joe Biden is old?
What is it?
But then here came Scott Wong from NBC News with an adult source seemingly confirming that YES BIG THREAT:
Well, that sounds problematic!
Is Tucker Carlson trying to re-enter American airspace or something?
Is he bringing something back from his true father Vladimir Putin?
Is the US intelligence community confident that the Russian government directed the recent compromises of e-mails from US persons and institutions, including from US political organizations? Do they believe, based on the scope and sensitivity of these efforts, that only Russia’s senior-most officials could have authorized these activities?
Is Bin Ladin Determined To Strike In US?
Erik Wasson from Bloomberg, you’re next:
THANK YOU, Democratic Rep. Jim Himes, who also said that this thing is “not gonna ruin your Thursday.”
Everyone, please go back to deciding if Taylor is the true wizard behind Joe Biden’s great Oz mask and figuring out what Travis yelled at his coach during that emotional sports event the other night.
But seriously, WTF? Is Mike Turner just a fucking weirdo? And did he think he was pulling something because he could use it as political leverage? Was his point to set off a mild panic? And to what end?
Olivia Beavers from Politico said there’s some classified briefing about outer space this week, which could suggest that yes, it is the aliens.
But nah, we don’t think so.
National Security Advisor Jake Sullivan just happened to be briefing at the time, or just a few minutes later, and was asked about it. He thinks the chair of the House Intelligence Committee is a fuckin’ weirdo, if we’re reading between his lines correctly.
Sullivan couldn’t talk much about the Thing, but offered that he had called the Gang of Eight in Congress to brief them about Thing, and that the meeting about Thing is tomorrow. So, quote, “I am a bit surprised that Congressman Turner came out publicly today in advance of a meeting on the books for me to go sit with him alongside our intelligence and defense professionals tomorrow.” (Translation: Mike Turner is a fucking weirdo.)
Sullivan assured reporters that the Biden administration has a great track record of declassifying things when it’s wise, so don’t worry, if it’s appropriate for it to come out, it will. (Remember how Putin’s initial attack on Ukraine lost all its element of surprise because Biden kept declassifying intel on Russia’s plans like five minutes after they made them?) But otherwise he can’t tell you.
BUT WHAT IS IT?
Oh. Well. Huh. A “highly concerning and destabilizing Russian capability”? That just sounds like more “Donald Trump” to us.
Alex Ward from Politico talked to three members of the Intel Committee, and they said the thing is “disturbing,” and “not a today thing,” and “a serious issue but not an immediate crisis.” So. Maybe not Donald Trump?
To recap: It’s a Russian thing and it’s serious, but we can still spend our Valentine’s Day making our Taylor and Travis dolls kiss, but it’s still disturbing, and destabilizing, and Mike Turner is a fucking weirdo.
BUT WHAT IS IT?
In communist America Wonkette declassify YOU!
Goddammit tell us!
We’re sure some piece of shit Republican will leak it to Fox News by tonight.
[vid via Aaron Rupar]
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
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So I sent a few texts, and it turns out the threat is they’re sending Steven Seagal back here.
I checked a few different sources on this story, and they all say basically the same thing. The Intel Committee people have known about whatever this is for a long time, like a couple of months. The "Gang of 8" has known that whole time. There's been a meeting at the White House on this, scheduled for a while, for tomorrow.
So Turner is showboating.