Is Taylor Swift Ruining The Kansas City Chiefs? Wonkette Investigates!
Some people claim that there's a woman to blame, but I know: Yes.
Is Taylor Swift the Yoko Ono of the Kansas City Chiefs? Such is the great question that has consumed sports-loving, clout-chasing idiots of the Right since the defending Super Bowl champions got their butts kicked on Christmas Day by the Las Vegas Raiders:
For those of you blessed enough to live in complete ignorance of pop culture, Swift has been dating Travis Kelce, the Pro Bowl tight end for the Chiefs. As such, she keeps attending Chiefs games, and TV cameras keep showing her sitting in a skybox alternately cheering and booing and also wearing adorable Santa hats with Kelce’s number, 87, embroidered on them. The game announcers keep mentioning her with incredible observations like “There’s Taylor” and “There’s Taylor with Travis Kelce’s mom” and “Taylor didn’t like that call” and all sorts of other mindless yammering that is one reason we like to watch games with the sound off.
It’s all so adorable that we just want to vomit rainbows and shit out baby koalas. There are Travis and Taylor holding hands as they leave the stadium! There’s Taylor consoling Travis after the loss as they prepare to drive off in his Rolls Royce Ghost!
Aesthetically, we think they make a weird-looking couple because she’s very pretty and he looks like he clubs his dinner over the head and drags it back to his cave every night. But culturally, they’ve become ubiquitous enough for us to have an opinion, which is “Who gives a shit?”
We would not, however, uh, do this:
That Kelce is “woke” because he has done TV commercials encouraging people to get their COVID shots is an article of faith on the Right. His girlfriend being a liberal who tells people to vote probably also does not help.
There are multiple reasons why we would not blame Taylor Swift for the Chiefs’ struggles this season.
One, we’re not misogynistic assholes, not even for ratings or social media clout, so we do not in fact blame women when their men do shit or fail to do shit or their men’s entirely unrelated colleagues do shit or fail to do shit. We know: We’re weird!
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Two, we think the problem probably has more to do with, among other issues, the Chiefs’ receiving corps being lousy at getting separation from defenders, thereby forcing quarterback Patrick Mahomes to risk throws into tight windows that can easily be defensed, or its porous offensive line, or all the damn turnovers, and less to do with whether Taylor and Patrick Mahomes’ wife are getting along.
And three, have you people heard of the Swifties? Those folks are intense.
PREVIOUSLY!
Anyway, we hope the happy couple had a nice Christmas even if the Chiefs did stink. Please direct all your outrage at the Chiefs’ annoying mascot where it belongs.
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I have to get Trix a big thank you present. She put me in Tabs for this silly little Xmas story (I mean, I consider other things I write more important but I do recognize that we all need our NiceTimes(tm)) and I went from 17 likes over 2 days to 54 likes over 2 days + the last 16 hours. On top of that, a bunch of suckers who think that I'm all "Let's Tell A Story 'Bout A Pub!" have been subscribing all day and now are going to be involuntarily subjected to a bunch of feminism and shit.
Wonkette has some power, is what I'm saying, and from my selfish perspective Rebecca is using it for good.
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