One of the most fun parts of Halloween season — for me, anyway — is the time I get to spend reminding myself that the Salem Witch Trials are not, for many people, a horrible and completely batshit thing that happened in our past and serve as a warning for what never, ever to do again in the future. There are absolutely endless TikToks and whatnot of credulous Christians talking about the evils of Halloween and why you should not celebrate it. My personal favorite genre of this is the “ex-witch” “former Satanic high priest” — why are they always high priests? where are my lay Satanists at? — revealing the deep dark secrets of the holiday.
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Seriously, like every bitch who went through a phase after watching The Craft in high school now has a TikTok where they warn Christians about the evil Wiccans or whatever, as if they ever got any further than raiding their mom’s spice cabinet to put a love spell on the kid who sat in front of them in Bio. Please. But also inject it directly into my veins, because it is hilarious.
I especially like this one about how the evil witches and Satanists are frolicking around the grocery store cursing Snickers bars, so even if you just want a bag for your family and not for trick-or-treating, you … could die?
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To be fair, I have always thought Good ‘N’ Plentys were demonic.
Another group of people who are very concerned about witches is, of course, Republican candidates for public office. Like Ty Masterson, who is currently running for Kansas governor.
Last weekend, when Masterson spoke at the Praise Chapel in Wichita (not Witchita!), he accused his Democratic opponent, Cindy Holscher, of being an evil witch who cast demonic spells on him.
Here he is, being a giant weirdo and also helping the church violate the Johnson Amendment.
“God's armies are out there in this, because what we're facing right now is a spiritual battle like I have never seen before in [this] state in this politics, right?” he said, adding, “I mean, the, the [wheats? weeds?] and the terrors are all mature, evil is maturing along with his, with his, with the brotherhood, right?”
Uh, I guess?
“I mean, this is, and it is rising to a level that is just in your face,” he continued. “Particularly my race and the US Senate race with Roger Marshall versus Hamilton, those are spiritual battles.”
Sure, he’s speaking about Democrat Adam Hamilton — pastor of Kansas’s largest megachurch — literally, but spiritually? I think he was talking about this Hamilton woman.
After all, she was from Kansas. (Well, Almira Gulch was, anyway.)
“Like I said, like my opponent, she didn’t even hide it,” Masterson explained. “She talked — they had witch — I mean, they’re doing like witchcraft spells on TikTok so she can win the governorship. I mean, they’re like … it’s like demonic stuff that they’re doing, right? Just in your face that way.”
Sure, either that or the Evil Witch Cindy’s teenage daughter Maddie was making silly videos set to the Wicked soundtrack, while making jokes about casting spells. Like a normal person who does not literally believe in spells and magic.
Maddie also made this video, which suggests that she just might also be Lesley Gore. Because that is just how things work.
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We should all be concerned that Masterson perhaps believes that musicals are real life, as I know that I, for one, would not like to hear him singing an off-brand version of Luck Be A Lady.
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In response to Masterson’s allegations, Maddie Holscher has since posted a picture to her TikTok account of herself and her sister dressed as witches for Halloween (and her brother dressed as swole Spongebob?).
“Unfortunately the allegations are true.,” she captioned the photo. “I’ve been practicing since elementary school … and I guess my sister has been, too.”
Well, there you have it.
Maddie has since issued another TikTok asking him to please stop this nonsense so that she, a child, can study for her math test.
PREVIOUSLY ON WONKETTE!
Yet again we find that Murc's Law allows for there to be absolutely no floor for a Republican candidate. And Democrats need to be perfect; Republicans only need excuses to get votes.
Being a conspiracy theorist with brainworms? Sure, go ahead!
Absolute crook with fingers stickier than a mix of honey and boogers? Not a problem!
Rancid sex pest? It's All Skate, get in there! And people will still vote for this offal.
And it is quaint, "witches" is particularly mild for what they're allowed to say bout Democrats and the minorities Democrats enfranchise and protect. But this is America, indeed.
Demonic candy? Sugar Babies of course, they don’t even try to hide what they’re made from!