James Comer Sends Epstein Subpoenas To Bill And Hillary And Comey And Mueller And Nana And Big Bird And Jesus
But not Alex Acosta, the former Trump official who gave Jeffrey Epstein that sweetheart deal. Huh!
Well, darlings, there have been big developments in the hunt for the Epstein Files, but actually Republicans have pretty much entirely abandoned any pretense that they want the truth or justice for victims, etc.
First off, James Comer, the chairman of the House Oversight Committee and the bumbliest bumpkin in all the land, the man who spent years hunting for Hunter Biden’s penis and has nothing to show for it, finally signed off on all those subpoenas he was supposed to be sending.
It is … well, they sure are subpoenas!
Revealing why it’s the MAGA base frothing at the mouth to get their little rabies tongues inside the files, because of all the wild fantasies they’ve concocted about who’s in those pages, piggy wiggy James Comer has subpoenaed Hillary Clinton.
Nailing it, bud. Just nailing it.
Of course, they subpoenaed Bill Clinton too, which has the benefit of actually being a name that’s reportedly in those files. They say it’s nothing incriminating, but since none of us are in a cult worshiping Bill Clinton as Dear Leader, if it turns out to be incriminating for him, we say bring it.
Oh, so many more!
James Comey, Robert Mueller! (Maybe Russia Russia Russia is in the Epstein Files?)
Loretta Lynch, Eric Holder! (Maybe there is a tarmac in the Epstein Files?)
Merrick Garland, William Barr, Jeff Sessions, Alberto Gonzales! (Dunno. It’s all the AGs. Bill Barr’s dad hired Epstein as a teacher, and Jeffrey Epstein DIDN’T KILL HIMSELF on Bill Barr’s watch.)
Anyway, it’s the list they voted on last month. The dates are scattered over this fall, no need to reprint them here, we’re sure if any of these things happen in public we’ll be the first to let you know. And of course they also subpoenaed the Trump DOJ for the files, which we are sure they will be totally forthcoming with, and we are sure James Comer will really fight Pam Bondi for it, like ooh boy, he’s gonna mud rassle her, you betcha.
But oh nooooooooo, fiddlesticks and hog semen, James Comer, yew done forgot somebody!
Where is Alex Acosta, the Trump 1.0 Labor Secretary and former US attorney for the state of Florida, who actually gave Jeffrey Epstein that slap on the wrist/sweetheart deal? For that matter, where is Pam Bondi herself, since on top of being the dipshit trying to nasally explain why she’s hiding the files now as US AG, she was also too the AG of Florida between 2011 and 2019, which seem like an important state and important years in the coverup of the crimes of one Jeffrey Epstein.
Oh, and know who Acosta’s boss was during that time, because Acosta was US attorney and it was the Bush administration? That’s right, that’d be Alberto Gonzales.
Boy, omitting Acosta seems pretty weird when you realize they remembered to include Gonzales!
So that’s all great and we are sure with the way Comer dragged his feet on this that this process will totally be on the up and up and he won’t end up trying to pin the Epstein tail on Hunter Biden’s penis.
In other important Epstein developments, CNN reported last night that this evening, everybody involved in the Trump coverup of his own role in the Epstein files will be going over to JD Vance’s house for a little dinner and (presumably) La-Z-Boy Orgy. You know, just a strategy session, because it’s totally on the up-and-up for White House Chief of Staff Susie Wiles, Attorney General of Epstein Coverups Pam Bondi, FBI Director of Epstein Coverups Kash Patel, and Deputy AG/Trump personal defense lawyer Todd Blanche — the one who just went to visit Ghislaine in prison and apparently got her moved to clubbiest of all the Club Feds, and we are just surmising he helped in some way to communicate the idea to her that if she never opens her scumbag child-trafficking, child-sexual-abusing mouth about Donald Trump, there might be a pardon at the end of the tunnel for her.
So that’s cool. Just everybody going to JD Vance’s house for Netflix and Chill and Coverup.
The administration’s handling of the Epstein case, as well as the need to craft a unified response, is expected to be a main focus of the dinner, three sources familiar with the meeting told CNN. […]
With the exception of Vance, the White House considers those officials the leaders of the administration’s ongoing strategy regarding the Epstein files, two of the sources said.
Oh yeah, we get it. They’re panicking, and so they’re putting all the principals in a room together so they can coordinate coverups more easily.
And it’s happening at JD Vance’s house because we don’t know why. (That “with the exception of Vance” in the quote seems pointed, don’t you think? We saw on Bluesky but can’t find it now that the original text of the article didn’t include that line. Somebody made sure that “with the exception of Vance” got added.)
Anyway, in one final piece of Epstein news, ABC News is reporting based on whatever its Trump administration sources leaked that Ghislaine Maxwell told Todd Blanche that Donald Trump did absolutely nothing concerning that she ever saw! So it’s all fine!
Of course Ghislaine Maxwell is, again, a child trafficker and a child sexual abuser and a liar, so what might concern Ghislaine Maxwell might be different from what might concern somebody who isn’t going to burn in hell for molesting kids when they die.
Also, she, again, would like a pardon, but we’re sure Todd Blanche sees no reason not to trust her!
Why, the Trump administration is even thinking about releasing the transcripts, of Todd’s interview with Donald Trump’s best living child molester friend!
We’re sure Ghislaine Maxwell’s truth will be the truth everybody has been clamoring for!
Christ, what a bunch of sick, disgusting fucking perverts.
[CNN]
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I hope Hillary shows up and says "Go ask Donald Trump. He's the one captured on video partying with Epstein and underage girls at Mar-a-Lago. He is the one on Epstein's private jet flight logs. He's all over the Epstein files, which is why he refuses to release them. Go ask him, and leave my name out of your stupid assmouth, you yodeling pigfuck."
(Strums banjo.)