James Comer Never Did And Ain't Never Gonna Find Hunter Biden's Wanglehonk!
Bless his heart.
On New Year’s Eve in 2023 — for you math whizzes out there, that’s last year — Wonkette published a piece of language writing called
It was an upsetting situation for a congressman to find himself in. This simple honey farmer from HavingSexWithCowsOnPurpose, Kentucky, had devoted himself singlemindedly to this idiot investigation into Hunter Biden and Joe Biden and the Biden crime family’s criminal crime web of crimes in Ukraine and China and Chinese Ukraine and Ukrainian China.
And sure, it was largely to give Fox News hosts something to jack off to, and to keep right-wing news consumers convinced that there was something crooked about them Bidens. No evidence ever needed to be presented — no action verbs, no actual claims that anyone ever did a thing — because the intended audience, hosts and viewers alike, are absolute morons.
In that way, mission accomplished.
You know, unless you actually wanted to find some sort of wrongdoing by the Bidens.
In 2024, that investigation fucked its own chicken all the way to death.
But hold on back up one second.
You see, for one Fox News viewer in particular — Donald Trump, for you politics whizzes! — all of this has been the continuation of the attacks on the United States by foreign enemies that he’s been helping perpetuate since his failed first term in office. And going further back it’s the continuation of an even older story, one that started when Russia ran an election interference play in Ukraine in 2013 that was remarkably similar to, and in essence a test run for, what they did to the US in 2016.
When that didn’t go the way Russia wanted it to, Russia invaded Ukraine and seized Crimea.
(For refreshers on all this history, go play at Timothy Snyder’s Substack.)
Immediately after Trump took office in January of 2017, he and his followers started trying to pin the 2016 election attack on Ukraine and the Democrats, not himself and the Russians. (Or more precisely, they tried to replace the actual election attack that actually happened with one that they made up.) And then he started trying to force and extort Ukraine into helping him steal the 2020 election, in part by demanding Ukraine announce fake investigations into the Bidens. Got impeached for it.
When Trump lost the 2020 election and his followers’ terrorist attack on the Capitol to overturn the result didn’t work, his buttsniffers in Congress started fake investigations into, you guessed it, the Bidens in Ukraine.
James Comer! Come on down! Don’t disappoint us!
(Spoiler …)
While that was happening, Russia went ahead and fully invaded the rest of Ukraine and started slicing its babies’ heads off, stealing its children and just generally brutalizing the country, all to keep Vladimir Putin’s little cock hard and try to make his alternate history of Russia and Ukraine real.
Now Putin’s pet Trump will be inaugurated as the 47th president — lame duck from day one, of course, and in name only, as President Elon Musk knows Trump is his pet too — and where this story goes next is anyone’s guess.
But for Comer? Well tarnation and fiddlesticks and britches full of dingleberries!
Biden pardoned Hunter, fully ending the weaponized thing Trump’s Department of Justice started to hurt Joe Biden by hurting his child, which Biden AG Merrick Garland had allowed to happen, like a coward.
And Comer’s star witness, Alexander Smirnov? The one Comer was dang sure was gonna blow the case all the way open this year? God damn that feller! It turns out Russian spies were feeding Smirnov all his fake stories about the Bidens the whole time, which Smirnov was shooting up Comer’s bottom like a bunch of Kentucky fried enemas, and Comer just giggled and believed Smirnov and clapped his hands for his Russian spy buttwashes.
How embarrassing for James Comer to get Russianly buttwashed like that so much!
More embarrassing? This was uncovered in the course of the Trump-initiated witch hunt investigation into Hunter by Special Counsel David Weiss.
Smirnov’s Russian spy sources were literally the same cohort of Russian spies who were doing Russian spy buttwashes to Rudy Giuliani, when Giuliani was gallivanting around Ukraine trying to get fake dirt on the Bidens before the 2020 election.
Fast forward to a couple weeks ago, as Smirnov, who was arrested way back in February, pleaded guilty to lying to the FBI and admitted the whole scheme.
Again: In 2024, Hunter Biden is pardoned, and who’s going to jail? Yep, just the informant with the Russian spy buttwashes about the Bidens that made James Comer’s belly jiggle like a bowl full of jelly.
Now to be fair, we are not saying Comer has fucked his last chicken with this. The wannabe dictator whose bathwater he drinks like a dog who’s just discovered a pond full of stagnant bacteria-infested rainwater? He’s gonna be president again. And Comer will still chair the Oversight Committee. We’re sure he’ll eagerly obey whatever commands his master gives him.
But he knows. The pathetic op-ed he recently wrote for Fox News trying desperately to pretend he has something to show for his clownfarts investigation that didn’t uncover one solitary clownfuck about the Bidens? He knows.
May God continue to show us what a winner his precious child James Comer really is in the year 2025.
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Headline: Comer Sniffs around Hunter's Schlong; Doesn't Find Dick.