JD Vance, Gateway Pundit Have Dumb-Off In Handjob Of An Interview

So very, very dumb.

Do you ever find yourself wondering just what in the hell Vice President and most annoying know-it-all in your AP Government class JD Vance does all day? Yes, sure, the VP never seems to have much to do. The office isn’t worth a bucket of warm piss, in the vivid words of John Nance Gardner, a real person who really served two terms as Franklin Roosevelt’s VP. (We looked it up.) And generally, it is understood that a Vice President is mostly on hand in case anything happens to the big guy, a particularly important need in an era when the American people keep electing geriatrics to the Oval Office.

But even by VP standards, old Seven Vacations In Six Months Vance doesn’t seem to do a goddamn thing. Other Vice Presidents have had portfolios. Kamala Harris was handed immigration and border security early in her term. Joe Biden was heavily involved in everything foreign policy-related, particularly the military’s withdrawal from Iraq, which President Obama had him oversee.

We’re not sure what Vance’s portfolio is, besides sucking up to Donald Trump at every opportunity. (There is a reason Tom Tomorrow draws Vance as a bellhop in This Modern World.) He did give a speech at the Munich Security Conference a few weeks after being inaugurated, and it was so poorly received that he seemed to have been sidelined from doing much more than traveling to the Vatican to meet Pope Francis, who promptly dropped dead. In fact, CNN was recently reduced to publishing a beat sweetener in which other people swore up and down that no, really, Vance is someone Trump listens to on foreign policy questions, pinky swear, without actually giving any examples.

But one activity Vance seems to have been tasked with is stroking Trump’s nutter base by going on every podcast and fringe TV show he can to tell them that they really were the big victims of the woke mob, but now that’s all behind them. Like this past weekend, when he sat down with the old Gateway Pundit himself, Jim Hoft.

Oh, how much do we love our Wonkette readers? Enough to sit through this entire for-lack-of-a-better-word-interview Vance gave Hoft. Who by the way, still owes us $3150. Jim, it has been more years than we want to think about, so pay the fuck up already.

Really, this thing felt sometimes more like Vance was interviewing Hoft instead of vice versa. First, we’re treated to some behind-the-scenes chatter between Vance and Hoft, and also to Vance trying to brush his hair with his hand like a vainer John Edwards.

Then we’re off to the races when Vance asks Hoft, “How’s the website going?” Hoft responds with a rambling diatribe about censorship, calling the Gateway Pundit “the most censored outlet out there,” which is probably due to all the flat-out lying. Remember when you had to file for bankruptcy because of all the legal fees defending yourself from people suing you over all the lying? That was last year, you can’t have forgotten already.

Awww, Was JD Vance Scared He Was Going To Scrape His Butthole On The River Bottom?

And who the hell is censoring you now, anyway? Elon Musk is thrilled to have you on his platform, your bullshit gets him boomer engagement.

Hoft is at least happy to announce that Facebook is no longer checking his work using fake fact-checkers from China. So it’s not all bad news on the censorship front.

Then Hoft started tossing Vance pitches softer than a goose down pillow. Some of them weren’t even questions. Hoft would say something in that halting, dull-witted way that makes you wonder if someone set him to 33 rpm, and Vance would pick up the baton like he was in a relay race at an Aryan Nation field day.

HOFT: So I wrote to Elon about a censorship thing.

VANCE: (three-minute monologue that ends with him bragging about all the deportations)

HOFT: I wanted to ask you about all of Trump’s accomplishments.

VANCE: (four-minute monologue sneering about the media and the Left)

Somewhere in one of those monologues, Vance accuses the Left of trying to put Trump in prison for 787 years. If that number rings a bell, it is because Fox settled a lawsuit by Dominion for $787 million. Is Vance mixing up that settlement with how much jail time his felon boss was facing? Because we can promise him, Donald Trump was never getting 787 seconds in prison, let alone 787 years.

Or maybe 787 is some new Nazi code that refers to something obscure about Hitler. Who even knows anymore.

HOFT: How can you assure us outspoken conservatives that we won’t be murdered by the Democrats after you leave office? Because Joe Biden murdered us all the time. There was so much murder!

VANCE: (six-minute monologue about all the ways Trump will smite his enemies)

Vance was taping the interview because he was not going to be able to make it to the Vindication convention in Las Vegas this past weekend, where all the conservative heroes who stood up to the Deep State in recent years were being celebrated while sharing their harrowing tales of surviving the tyrannical Biden government charging them with aggravated stupidity.

Vance wasn’t in Vegas because he was jetting off to England — to an $11,000-a-week manor house in the Cotswolds, like all the common people do — for a family vacation. And this is the other thing JD Vance does a lot of: take vacations that inconvenience the living hell out of everyone else with his security measures.

First there was the ski trip in Vermont that drew out a thousand protestors in a tiny town to yell at him. Then there was the vacation to Disneyland that also drew loud protestors to yell at him. There was the trip to the Taj Mahal. Somewhere in there he went to Rome and apparently scared the Pope to death, literally.

And of course there was that day last week when his team had the water level in a river in Ohio raised so Vance could go for a float on an inner tube without scraping his ass on a sandbar.

That’s a lot of vacation in six months, though it probably doesn’t come close to equaling Trump’s time spent cheating at golf.

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