Jesse Watters Pretty Sure Going MAGA Makes Women Hotter
It's literally true if you consider that they look like melted Bratz dolls.
It’s hard out there for Republican men. A survey last year of Coffee Meets Bagel users found that 77 percent of women on the app would not, under any circumstances, date a Trump supporter. Another survey conducted by the conservative American Enterprise Institute (AEI) think tank found that 52 percent of women would not date a Trump supporter, and that, among young, single, college educated women, that number shot up to 72 percent.
Weirdly enough, “I don’t think you should have bodily autonomy” is a bit of a dealbreaker for most of us.
Perhaps that is why so many have desperately and frantically attempted, in recent years, to make “Republican women are hotter” a thing, as none of us have eyes.
On his show last night, Jesse Watters attempted to make this case with regards to Sydney Sweeney, whose recent MAGA-ish makeover has stunned and repulsed people across the nation following her recent appearance on The Tonight Show, I assume to promote another movie that literally no one is going to go see.
Look, I love a bob. I stan a bob. I, myself, have had a bob at multiple points throughout the years. One might even describe my current hairstyle as a “lob.” But that’s a bad bob. It looks like a wig. And I’m not the only one who thinks so! The style was so widely mocked that her actual hairstylist felt he had to come forward to defend the cut in the comments of fashion commentator Blakely Thornton’s Instagram post about the lewk. (He had described it, accurately, as “racist Jane Jetson meets Marie Antoinette,” adding that her red dress made it look like she “got caught in a Nazi flag and added a corset.”)
Honestly, I’m a little impressed. It takes a lot of work to be the object of sartorial scorn the very same week Bergdorf Goodman drops the Marc Jacobs Spring 2025 “bullet bras for your thighs” collection.
Anyway! Watters and Fox contributor Katrina Campins dedicated a chunk of time last night to defending the Mar-a-Lago makeover, claiming that Sweeney is even hotter now than she was before she came halfway out of the MAGA closet.
Transcript via JoeMyGod:
JESSE WATTERS: “Sydney Sweeney is getting hotter. The media says she got a ‘Mar-a-Lago makeover’ and it’s driving liberals loco.”
KATRINA CAMPINS: “She’s getting hotter, and they’re so jealous, right? They’re like, ‘She’s so Republican,’ she gets hotter by the minute, right? And so my advice to all the ladies, our side is better, and you get hotter, right? All Republican women are hot! Tell me that’s not true.”
JESSE WATTERS: “It is true. So when you register Republican, you just get hotter.”
CAMPINS: “You do! It’s like you get hotter with age. Like, you get wiser and hotter. It’s like good wine, like the wine you sent.”
Well, there’s no accounting for taste. If you happen to be into the Mar-a-Lago face aesthetic, I’m sure Republican ladies do look hotter to you. In fact, I’ll give it some credence and say that many of them do, literally, look hotter than we do, owing to the fact that all that filler compounded with eight pounds of full-coverage foundation tends to make them look like melted Bratz dolls.*
Personally, that’s not my preferred look. Then again, I would actually take my current, very hungover, no makeup that I didn’t fall asleep in, fucked-up-cutting-my-own-bangs, just woke up and want to die face any day over, you know, being a sadistic freak who gets their jollies watching kids get kidnapped by ICE agents.
Your mileage may vary!
Will it work? Will women across the land look at Sydney Sweeney and Katrina Campins and, um, Kimberly Guilfoyle, and say “Never mind being a decent human being with an actual moral compass, I want to look like that!?” Probably not too many! Especially when you consider the fact that the “reward” for selling your soul and spending $8,000 on Juvéderm would be getting to date the men that every other woman in America has already deemed entirely unfuckable. Which, let’s face it, we could all do that anyway if we simply gave up on having any standards whatsoever.
Of course, if you are feeling a tad envious of the look but don’t want to spend all that money to get your ass injected into your face, you can always follow Suzanne Lambert’s very helpful Republican makeup tutorial.
You are welcome!
*While I will never make fun of anyone’s actual looks, because I’m not an asshole, I do believe that choices they make with their faces and personal style are fair game. There’s a difference, so please don’t make fun of anything anyone cannot help, because that is not cool. Thank you!
PREVIOUSLY ON WONKETTE!
Here’s the thing, they can be as superficially attractive as they want. They can be 100% no fillers, no makeup natural 10’s but that’s not what makes someone “hot”. At least not to any mature adult.
I’ve dated women like that who empirically are 9/10 in looks and found out after 5 minutes they are absolutely not “hot”. Arm candy? Maybe. But physical chemistry is absolutely not the same thing. And nothing kills wood more than a MAGA personality.
Republicans want their women to look like inflatable sex dolls.
This is not surprising. Go with what you know I suppose.