A few updates to bring you on the saga of Natalie, which is still not a sex scandal, no matter how much the White House desperately wants it to be a sex scandal, no matter how painfully Trump’s MAGA allies wish America was doing salacious gossips about “Score, buddy!” and exchanging tawdry tales about the president using his penis to-and-fro in more rooms than Bill Clinton ever did.
We obviously assume she’s changed his bedpan before. Maybe a Sea World spongebath or three while he looks at AI slop of himself dressed as Superman.
Not a sex scandal.
On that subject, we need to provide you two more horrifying quotes to back up that thesis, which we didn’t include in our missive yesterday.
Both are from Michael Wolff, the first summarized by Olivia Craighead in The Cut:
In a detail that will send a chill down your spine, Wolff writes that Trump has never had an affair with Harp because winning the presidency in 2016 made him “post-sex.”
Never realized when Russia gave Trump that reacharound to help steal him the 2016 election that they had pulled his dick all the way off. What does Putin have on Trump? More like what does Putin have on ice in a chest in his office, sounds like.
The second, which is going to make you throw up your lunch, is Wolff quoted by Erkki Forster in The Daily Beast:
The author noted that while no one in the Trump camp suspects a sexual relationship, there is nonetheless a conviction that Harp is hopelessly in love with Trump and determined to be his “higher purpose bride.”
“It’s a Christian devotional relationship,” one Trump aide told Wolff.
Whaaaaaaaaat? Yeah. If you Google that, you’re gonna get some weird conservative Christian shit about women being steadfast and being helpmeets for their husbands, and this is Trump aides talking about Natalie like she is the unfucked Bible wife, which is weird because doesn’t Trump already have an unfucked wife?
Yes he does! And the rest of that Erkki Forster article is about how thoroughly not happy Unfucked Wife #1 (current ranking) is with the presence of Natalie, in here acting like she’s the real unfucked wife.
YOU NOT FUCK MY MAN? YOU NOT FUCK MY MAN?
That is what Melania could say to Natalie, in a Slovenian accent.
Of course, as the Daily Beast notes, and as Wonkette has noted, Melon hasn’t been seen in public in forever. But Princess Natalie Of Unfuckia has! And Michael Wolff says these two things are related. Basically, if Natalie is around, Melania ain’t. They think she’s in New York, Wolff says. (Like clockwork, she has been summoned to appear for a thing in the Rose Garden that now looks like the patio of a Panera, today in fact!)
So that’s one thing.
Also Eric has been dispatched to say nice things about his new mommy Natalie, whining about an interview Natalie’s estranged brother gave to CNN:
“Daddy’s disturbed home health nurse is way hotter than her brother!” is definitely a flex. Not sure what kind, but we include it simply to note that out of the entire Trump brood, Eric’s is the name that has appeared in reporting as being particularly heebie-jeebied out by Natalie. So we surmise he was feeling a special pressure to speak up for New Jesus Mommy.
Did we mention Natalie did all this for a full year without a security clearance? There is zero chance Trump hasn’t been telling her secrets and showing her things, he cannot help himself, especially since Natalie the Clown is the pretty blonde lady who stays with him every day and writes him letters about how he is God and prints out hard copies of things that will amuse him (the extremely old need hard copies of things, it is comforting).
She finally gave in and completed the process. Hooray. Of course, in a normal world and normal White House, a person with what appears to be such severe undiagnosed mental health issues wouldn’t ever qualify for one in the first fucking place, but nothing matters anymore.
Here is Jon Ossoff, who started this whole amazing news cycle, on Lawrence O’Donnell last night, telling the White House to get its big girl panties on and stop fucking bitching and crying about their feelings and Natalie’s feelings and everybody’s fucking loser fucking feelings.
OSSOFF: It’s been amazing to watch this White House melt down over this all week. And about Natalie Harp, these White House staffers are adults, public officials paid by the taxpayer, with immense power in positions of public trust. And whether it’s Natalie Harp printing out Donald Trump’s daily dose of delusion and flattery, or Peter Navarro steering taxpayer-funded loans to Trump family investments, or Pete Hegseth deluding the president daily into deepening this quagmire in the Middle East, no one cares about their feelings.
No one cares about their fucking feelings.
OSSOFF: The sailors on the Lincoln are fighting his war, a war based on lies, while he plays with his new ballroom, flies around on a jet given to him by a foreign prince, and retreats into this circle of sycophantic aides who tell him every day what he wants to hear, not what he needs to hear.
This entire White House is responsible for lying the country into war, and for the rest of their careers, they will be known for having participated in this obscenity.
And many of them will be prosecuted, and will spend the rest of their worthless loser lives in prison, and if there is a just God, they will continue directly to hell, from which there will be no respite.
We’ll give the last word to Rosie O’Donnell, who’s guest-hosting for Jimmy Kimmel this week, and who had these words, and only these words, for Trump last night:
“Hang up your wig and let Natalie tuck you in.”
And that is Donald Trump’s entire presidency now.
The end.
[The Cut / Daily Beast / video via Acyn]
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I think Jon touched a nerve.
Eric commenting on other's "inherited genetics" is peak LOL.