Judge Boxwine Drops Case Against Reflecting Pool Terrorist Just Because Of How He Didn't

Great now everybody's gonna terrorism the Reflecting Pool.

Imagine, if you will, the great Gilda Radner doing her Emily Litella bit. There she is on a 1970s “Weekend Update” set, ranting and raving about vandals defacing the Reflecting Pool. Then Jane Curtin leans over and tells her no, Emily, further investigation revealed that the cause of all that paint peeling off the pool’s bottom really was caused by a “rushed and flawed installation process,” no one cut a 300-foot long slit in the pool’s concrete bottom with a knife, and there is no criminal case here to prosecute. Emily, as is her wont, turns to the camera and gives her famous line: Oh. Never mind.

In case you haven’t figured it out, the Trump administration is Emily Litella and Jane Curtin is either the Department of Justice or every damn poster on BlueSky with a little knowledge of painting and an ounce of common sense.

Oh boy, the administration really Emily Litella’d this whole story. Trump and his sycophants spent weeks going on TV and forcefully, with all the seriousness they could muster, told the public there had been vandalism, it was no laughing matter, it was done by antifa commandos who hate America, and the full weight of the United States government would come down on those responsible.

MeidasTouch put up a video montage of Trump administration officials and right-wing journalists making total asses of themselves with their usual screeching that sounds like two horny condors fucking:

In fact, they all huffed, they had already arrested one man, a former Olympic canoeist named David Hearn who had been seen picking up a chunk of paint floating on the surface of the pool. Hearn was accused of actually tearing the paint up himself, “forcefully and violently” ripping and tearing it, purposely marring the repainted Reflecting Pool’s beauty. And all because he hates Donald Trump, and beauty, and MAGA, and America.

Then on Friday night came the “never mind.” The US Attorney for Washington DC, Jeanine Pirro, filed a motion with the court seeking to dismiss the felony vandalism charge against Hearn. In the motion, Pirro admitted that the DOJ had, among other evidence, uncovered photographs taken by a Park Service employee proving the paint liner was already peeling well before Hearn was even seen in the area, and that the liner had failed due to a “rushed and flawed installation process” by an unqualified hack of a Trump crony contractor.

I Am The Reflecting Pool. Don't Look At Me, I'm Hideous

Barack Obama, With A Knife, At The Reflecting Pool

Hearn was arrested on June 19. A few weeks later, the pool was drained so that the alleged vandalism could be repaired. On July 17, Pirro and her staff visited the drained pool and noticed that there was extensive damage to the liner everywhere. They then requested that the Department of the Interior, which oversees the Park Service, give them all the records the department has about the installation of the pool lining.

Why Pirro’s office hadn’t looked at some of those documents before is beyond us. If the defense had requested and gotten them, that would have killed their entire case and been hugely embarrassing. It turns out the defense didn’t need to bother; Jeanine Pirro is perfectly capable of embarrassing herself without any help.

The most hilarious part of this motion is watching Pirro not only throw the Department of the Interior under the bus, but then backing the bus up so she can run over it a few more times:

Based on this request, USAO-DC received 695 megabytes of additional documents from DOI, which took days to review. These documents indicated a rushed and flawed installation process, with repeated failures of the lining during the installation process, and extensive peeling of the lining throughout the Reflecting Pool. This was the first time that DOI made USAO-DC aware of such information.

Later on, Pirro accused the DOI of providing “less than fulsome information at the outset of this case.” Translation: We at DOJ are just smol beans, Your Honor. We’re only guilty of being too trusting of people who work in the freaking Trump administration. Pwease, pwease yell at them and not us.

The brief also revealed that the Park Service was aware of some paint peeling in the area where Hearn was later accused of pulling it up eight days before Hearn committed his horrific crime. That would have been good to know sooner!

About the only hitch here is that the DOJ is seeking to dismiss the charges without prejudice. That means they can be refiled. This seems like Pirro covering her ass with Trump: Yes, Mr. President, of course we still think he’s guilty, of course we’re not giving up, of course we’ll continue to investigate whether Mr. Hearn conspired with the contractors to do a bad job to purposely embarrass you.

Please Do Not Cuss In Front Of The Reflecting Pool, It'll Tear The Cheap Vinyl Liner

Of course, your average mommy blogger could have told Judge Drunky McWinebottle in June everything that she apparently learned in the last two weeks: The contractor was unqualified and did a shit job with materials that were not right for the purpose. Trump rushed the whole thing because he wanted it done by his birthday. No communist super-soldier made the effort to get into the pool while it was full of water, squat down, and drag a box cutter for 300 feet to make a gash as long as a football field in the paint liner, Jesus Christ, are you people even listening to yourselves.

In fact, we did tell her. Several times! Judge Jeanine, why are you not reading yr Wonkette?

Given this latest development, it’s fun to watch the judge’s press conference announcing the charges a month ago. She was so dramatic, as if Hearn’s alleged act had been a defiant blow aimed at the very foundations of the Republic:

“The most offensive images that I hold in my mind are the images of national monuments that are being defaced, roped, torn down, graffitied, and damaged by individuals. I have a vivid memory of this happening several years ago and over time where our national monuments and statues are being torn down. This is not the way of a civilized society. It is anarchy. And our nation has weathered moments of anarchy and chaos in the past.”

If you are screaming What about January 6 at your computer screen, be assured that a reporter later asked Judge Pinot how she could justify charging Hearn with a minor amount of damage while at the same time supporting the pardons of thousands of January 6 rioters. This sent her into a paroxysm of spittle as she snapped, “Are you really talking about January 6? I’m not. Who’s next?”

Well. Excuuuuse us for asking.

This is another embarrassment for the Department of Justice after a solid year and a half of embarrassing itself. Or it would be another embarrassment, if Trump administration officials were capable of feeling that.

[Motion / WaPo / YouTube]