Kash Patel Busted Playing Dress-Up Like A Real FBI Agent
The image-obsessed weirdo strikes again.
Picture this: wild-eyed dipshit Kash Patel flies to Utah the day after the assassination of Charlie Kirk, presumably to show grieving MAGA World that Kirk’s murder is of the utmost importance to the awesome law enforcement powers of the federal government. FBI agents and Utah law enforcement personnel are still processing the scene and looking for the suspected gunman, all under the intense glare of worldwide media that has made this a huge story. (Which is the second reason Patel was in Utah: the man never saw a television camera he wouldn’t throw himself in front of like a mama grizzly defending her cubs.) No less than the president of the United States is promising to solve a crime that was not even a federal case.
Patel, the FBI’s Director, lands in the middle of this maelstrom. And immediately refuses to get off the plane until someone finds him one of those windbreakers agents wear at crime scenes with FBI stamped across them in giant yellow letters.
No, really. The anecdote is from a new report allegedly written by a group of former and current agents unhappy with the direction of the Bureau under Kash’s reign. Let’s quote the entire passage in this New York Post story, for laughter:
FBI special agents at the Salt Lake City field office busy working on the Kirk case “had to stop and ask around to find an FBI raid jacket — a medium-sized one — that would fit.”
When a jacket belonging to a female agent was delivered to Patel on the plane, he complained that “two areas on the upper sleeves did not have Velcro patches attached.”
Patel would not leave the plane “until he had two patches to cover those areas” so “members of an FBI SWAT Team took patches off their uniforms and ran those patches over to” Patel “at the airport. The patches were then attached to the loaner FBI raid jacket” and Patel “disembarked from the plane.”
Anything else you need before you go pretend like you personally are going to solve this crime, Mr. Director? A couple of six-shooters you can strap on your hips, so you look like the New Delhi version of Wyatt Earp? Wraparound Oakleys? Hair and makeup teams?
But this is how things are going for the least qualified leader of any law enforcement agency since the invention of law enforcement, who has lately been stepping on his dick so often you’d be excused for assuming it’s his kink. Stories of his incompetence and his addiction to the perks of his power have been leaking more than the Titanic post-iceberg. The man has more knives sticking out of his back than Julius Caesar.
Now along comes this new report — a dossier, if you will — cataloging all the ways Patel sucks at his job. It describes the Bureau under Patel as a “rudderless ship” and “all fucked up.” The Director was also described as “lacking measured self-confidence” and “may be insecure,” which anyone familiar with Patel and his long career of selling merchandise with the word “Ka$h” slapped on all of it like a failed rapper could have told you.
The report also describes Deputy Director Dan Bongino as “something of a clown,” which shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone. The phrase “something of a clown“ has likely been stuck to Bongino like a remora since birth. It will be his legacy, along with a bunch of too-tight T-shirts. We get it, buddy, you own a Bowflex.
This report was allegedly written by a group of both retired and active-duty FBI agents, all of them with super-cool codenames like ALPHA 28 and ALPHA 71 (no Betas among wingnut FBI agents, duh). It’s a MAGA-friendly group, having written reports during the Biden administration criticizing the Bureau’s direction under Christopher Wray. It was not “intended to be a hit piece in any way, shape or form,” but apparently the anecdotes and comments about Patel were about “80/20 negative.”
The report was leaked to Miranda Devine, a wingnut columnist for the Rupert Murdoch-owned and reliably Trump-loving New York Post. This means the report is either so piss-poor that legit news organizations wouldn’t touch it, or that whoever leaked it wanted to make sure MAGA saw it without the stigma of it coming from the communists at CNN or The New York Times. We’re betting on the second thing, because that’s dumber and therefore probably correct.
But what’s most surprising about this report: although it was written in August, it is entering the public consciousness by being leaked now, on the heels of rumors that Patel is on thin ice with President Trump after stories about his use of a government plane for personal travel and his pulling the ultimate cock-block by assigning FBI SWAT teams to guard his girlfriend. Last week there were rumors that Trump was sick of Patel and wanted to fire him, which both the president and his press secretary Karoline Leavitt denied.
One wonders if somewhere in the depths of his lizard brain made of rat poison and rancid oatmeal, Donald Trump is starting to have regrets about appointing to high law enforcement levels in his administration a series of mountebanks and charlatans who couldn’t solve a crime if they were in an Encyclopedia Brown story. In addition to Patel, there was a recent report that Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche, normally a diehard Trumpist, is “encouraging” a grand jury probe of Ed Martin and Bill Pulte for misconduct for their obviously political investigations of Democrats:
Appearing on MS NOW Thursday night, reporter Carol Leonnig said that Blanche and other top DOJ lawyers had grown “very frustrated” with Martin’s and Pulte’s methods. Blanche was not only well aware of the probe into their conduct, he also was “not in any way interfering with it, and possibly even encouraging” it, Leonnig said.
It would be one thing if Blanche was taking over Martin’s and Pulte’s investigations because, despite having the resources of the Justice Department behind them, they are sloppy and ham-handed. Blanche, no matter what else we can say about him, might be a competent enough attorney to know that Martin and Pulte are blowing their chances to indict the administration’s enemies.
But if it’s true that Blanche is actively encouraging the grand jury investigation of Martin and Pulte, that would indicate he’s as sick of their incompetent asses as the rest of us and would love to get them out of the administration any way he can.
So are Patel’s days as FBI director numbered? Maybe they are, and maybe he knows it, which could be why he’s cramming in all the free private plane flights and branded swag he can get his hands on.
[NY Post / Daily Mail / TNR]
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please tell me this is how he found out it was a women’s medium jacket, and that he threw a hissy fit about it
I don't know if I should be relieved or terrified that the government is run by abject morons.