Kelly Johnson Wishes Y’all Knew What A Sweet Teddy Bear Christian Extremist Lunatic Mike Johnson Really Is
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Kelly Johnson Wishes Y’all Knew What A Sweet Teddy Bear Christian Extremist Lunatic Mike Johnson Really Is
We know. Trust us, we get it.
Christian extremist House Speaker Mike Johnson is real upset about the immoral liberal attacks on his Christian extremist wife Kelly Johnson, and Kelly Johnson just wishes we’d get to know her Christian extremist husband Mike, who is just a sweet huggable bear.
This was a hot topic in the Fox News Bible rager interview Kayleigh McEnany threw for the Johnsons recently.
The clip we’ll look at begins with McEnany complaining that she too was targeted for her sincere faith, which is a weird way of saying people constantly pointed out what a pathological liar McEnany was when she was Donald Trump’s press secretary. She lied as often as she breathed. She made Sarah Huckabee Sanders look like a person of integrity. And as for her faith, we guess she’s one of those conservative Christians who believes Jesus won’t roast them on a spit in Hell because they think they’re doing their lying in His service.
But anyway. McEnany was expressing solidarity with Kelly Johnson, as we were saying.
She asked Kelly Johnson how does it feel that the media won’t stop digging into their lives and maligning them so? How does it feel that mean libs won’t stop looking into their records and learning that Kelly Johnson’s sicko “Christian counseling” service compares homosexuality to bestiality and incest, and that Mike Johnson and his son get Jizz Warning Weather Alerts if father or son falls off the No Cum Wagon and looks at porn? Or that he used to be obsessed with criminalizing gay sex, and still might be? Or that he was deep inside the “ex-gay” torture movement behind the scenes, trying to make everybody pray away the gay?
How does it FEEEEEEEEL?
KELLY JOHNSON: I know it goes along with the territory here, but I will say it makes me very sad, it breaks my heart. Because I just wish that they knew this guy that I know. He is one of the most loving, kind, genuine people I’ve ever known. And he loves all people and would give you the shirt off his back.
And also:
KJ: I used to be a schoolteacher and I loved that, but I just felt burdened for so many people and I felt the calling to go back to school to become a Christian counselor. And it’s because I love people and want to help them through their times of struggle and suffering, and I love what I do, I absolutely love it.
Oh STFU, weirdass.
Did she feel burdened? Was it on her heart?
Mike Johnson chimed in:
MJ: As a husband, you know, I’ll take any arrows, that’s fine, but don’t talk about my wife, for goodness sake. She’s the kindest, sweetest person in the world …
Fuck off. Maybe the Covenant Marriage bylaws say we only are allowed to discuss the supreme man of the house, but when the new Christian extremist speaker of the House is married to another Christian extremist who is professionally active as a Christian extremist — on top of the “counseling” she also co-hosts a podcast with her husband — she’s part of the discussion.
At the end of the clip, Kelly Johnson affirmed that she believes God has inserted her husband into the speakership, and that it’s biblical to believe that. (This of course does not apply to Democrats.)
Conservative white Christians are so tiresome, perpetually unable to even conceive of the possibility that they’re not the hero in every single story, and utterly detached from the reality that chances are they’re the villain.
In related news, the story of Johnson and his teenage son using Covenant Eyes software so his son can get a Doppler radar weather alert during class to learn that his father may be at serious risk of touching his own penis is really starting to get legs. Experts are weighing in on how fucking stupid it is that a member of the United States Congress, and now the speaker of the House, is literally wiretapping himself on all his devices to make sure he doesn’t see an errant booby or peener and immediately fall into a life of insatiable sluttery, never to return home to his family again.
It’s a fucking national security threat.
All because this lunatic is so scared of his own natural sexual urges that he’s making his son babysit his internet browsing time to prevent him from becoming history’s most prolific masturbator.
Fuck.
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Kelly Johnson Wishes Y’all Knew What A Sweet Teddy Bear Christian Extremist Lunatic Mike Johnson Really Is
Even pushing aside the extreme fucking weirdness of making your son your official Penis Patrol, it probably isn't great that the Speaker of the House has given some shady 3rd party access to his entire digital life. I'd bet hacking Covenant Eyes is child's play for a foreign intelligence service. Even if they can't get to US intel, I'd bet money there is something worth blackmailing this weirdo over in there somewhere.
You mean God didn’t make Nancy Pelosi speaker back in the day? Damn! I thought that was the best thing God had done in millennia!