If you are like most patriotic Americans, you have probably asked yourself at least once in the past week if Mike Johnson, the new House speaker Republicans just unanimously chose, is actually just Michele Bachmann in drag. And you know what? We haven’t seen Bachmann and Mike Johnson both in the same place, so maybe.
More evidence for the yes column? Turns out Mike Johnson’s wife — the one he’s “covenant married” to — runs a Christian counseling practice that espouses prehistoric lunatic beliefs, such as that being gay is in the same category as bestiality and incest.
Remember Marcus Bachmann and his Christian counseling service? Maybe Marcus Bachmann is just Kelly Johnson in drag, you don’t know.
HuffPost has the details about Kelly Johnson’s psycho bigot “counseling” practice, called Onward Christian Counseling Services. She appears to have pulled the website down, but before that, the practice’s 2017 operating agreement was linked on the site, and here’s some of what it said (HuffPost grabbed the operating agreement, you can read it):
The agreement states that Onward Christian Counseling Services is grounded in the belief that sex is offensive to God if it is not between a man and a woman married to each other. It puts being gay, bisexual or transgender in the same category as someone who has sex with animals or family members, calling all of these examples of “sexual immorality.”
“We believe and the Bible teaches that any form of sexual immorality, such as adultery, fornication, homosexuality, bisexual conduct, bestiality, incest, pornography or any attempt to change one’s sex, or disagreement with one’s biological sex, is sinful and offensive to God,” says the eight-page business document.
This agreement also refers to “pre-born babies” and says the company is committed to defending and protecting all human life, “from conception through natural death.”
Wow, definitely sounds like a professional counseling place full of professional adult counselors, where they help people and don’t scar them for life even a little bit.
HuffPost underlines just how extremist it is to have a document on your website dated 2017 that says those things, reminding us of memories many people probably have repressed of Rick Santorum waxing poetic about “man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be,” back in 2003 when the Supreme Court struck down sodomy laws. In 2017, we were two years into being a country with full marriage equality, which is insanely popular.
It was bugfuck to be saying that shit 20 years ago. Now? Um, let’s just say we don’t think people who write things like that on their counseling websites are fit to be counseling anyone.
A lot of people are talking right now about the quote Kelly Johnson’s covenant husband Mike gave Fox News the other night, where he had some responses to people pointing out what an unhinged religious extremist he is. He told Sean Hannity, “Go pick up a Bible off your shelf and read it ― that’s my worldview. That’s what I believe, and so I make no apologies for it.” Of course, he left out the part where he interprets it through the lens of conservative white American Christian bigotry. You can find all kinds of messages in scripture, depending on how much of a piece of shit you are and what you’re looking for.
We see what Mike Johnson is looking for.
(Mike Johnson also whined about the Supreme Court’s marriage equality decision to Hannity, saying SCOTUS had “changed the definition of marriage that had been used by every human society for 5,000 years.” Which just goes to show you how fundamentally ignorant conservative Christians tend to be of actual history, even in their own Bible. Of course, Johnson has thrills up his leg for the fake history taught by fake Christian historian David Barton, so it’s not surprising.)
HuffPost notes that Mike and Kelly Johnson do a podcast together called Truth Be Told, and if you want to hear the episode where they jizz-splain how excited they were the week Roe v. Wade was overturned, it’s right here. HuffPost says they have done 69 episodes so far, so if you wanted this blog post to end with a hilarious sex covenant boning joke, you may now write one in the comments.
[HuffPo]
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I'm shocked, shocked I tell ya, that a Dakota State Senator arrested for traveling to Europe to rape a child was not a Democratic Drag Queen but a retired GOP School Counselor who had the lege reimburse him for his child-raping trips. https://news.yahoo.com/federal-charge-says-former-north-164102570.html
Time to feed the hogs
“Go pick up a Bible off your shelf and read it ― that’s my worldview.”
So if you run into Mike Johnson and he’s wearing mixed fabrics, well, you’re going to have to pick up a rock. It’s what God says!