Kevin McCarthy Quitty Quitty Chicken Dinny, Because Eric Swalwell Was Right About Him
Kevin McCarthy Quitty Quitty Chicken Dinny, Because Eric Swalwell Was Right About Him
Girl BYE.
Well, that took long enough.
Kevin McCarthy has announced in an op-ed in the Wall Street Journal that after he goes home for Christmas he’s never coming back and you can’t make him. He says he has to leave “to serve America in new ways,” which is a really weird euphemism for “masturbate by myself until the sands of this earthly hourglass run out.”
Below, we will excerpt the most important parts of Kevin’s op-ed, just kidding let’s move on.
Here is an important message from Kevin:
Sounds cool, oh wait that’s from May.
The last significant thing Kevin did in Congress is he punched a Tennessee Republican in the kidneys. At some point during the past year, Eric Swalwell called him a pussy. At another point this year, it took him like one million votes to get elected the least important House speaker in human American history, because what Eric Swalwell said. A few minutes or months later, he was ousted as speaker by a collection of dime-store dildos led by Matt Gaetz, because what Eric Swalwell said.
After Trump lost the election, Trump was sad and refusing to eat (OR ANGRY AND INSISTING TO EAT!) and Kevin went down to Mar-a-Lago to hold him and snuggle him and pet him, because what Eric Swalwell said.
When Donald Trump was president, Kevin used to separate out all the red and pink Starbursts for Trump, because what Eric Swalwell said. (Also because he’s stupid and we guess didn’t know you could buy only those.)
Before Trump was president, Kevin admitted out loud on tape to Paul Ryan and a bunch of other Republicans that he believed Trump (and former Rep. Dana Rohrabacher) were somehow controlled by Vladimir Putin. “There’s ... there’s two people, I think, Putin pays: Rohrabacher and Trump,” said Kevin. “Swear to God,” he added.
But that didn’t stop him from ultimately becoming one of Trump’s most slobbering devotees, because what Eric Swalwell said.
Those are the only important things that have ever happened in Kevin McCarthy’s career, and probably his life.
Marjorie Taylor Greene is being absolutely hilarious about this:
Hahahahahahaha “Hopefully no one dies.” Also her math appears to be off by one, but they probably don’t teach that at CrossFit. And remember how close she and Kevin suddenly got while he was running for speaker? She’s likely having a really hard day, bless her heart.
There will be a special election to replace him. It’s a fairly Republican district — Bakersfield (R+16) — so don’t get too excited.
But for today let’s just make fun of Kevin McCarthy and be happy that in a few weeks, we will never have to know what he is doing ever again.
Eric Swalwell is free to buy some billboards in Bakersfield calling him a pussy, though, that’s just good clean fun.
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
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According to the list of characters in the credits the actual spelling is "Felisha". I'm just striving for historical accuracy, and it also makes me fun at parties.
McCarthy will be replaced by a young crazee bomb thrower who'll try to out-crazee the Crazee Caucus, because that's seen as the fastest route to the riches rightwing media promises.
And the constituents of that district will be just as well-served as they were before.