Liz Cheney's New Book Sounds Like A Banger

Stocking stuffer!

Nov 29, 2023

Liz Cheney wrote a book, y’all, and it is full of exactly the kind of humiliating shit Liz Cheney is in a position to know and you’re in a position to find out.

We didn’t think Kevin McCarthy could be humiliated more, but Cheney writes that after January 6, Donald Trump was so sad he wasn’t eating, and therefore My Kevin had to go down to Mar-a-Lago to be with him. To comfort him. We imagine this means Trump could not eat Hamberder. He could not even have ketchup on the table to throw at the wall.

CNN had scoops yesterday:

Reading from the book:

CHENEY: Mar-a-Lago? What the hell, Kevin?
McCARTHY: They’re really worried. Trump’s not eating. So they asked me to come see him.
CHENEY: What? You went to Mar-a-Lago because Trump’s not eating?
McCARTHY: Yeah. He’s really depressed.

And when your friend is depressed, you go to their ugly south Florida mansion and let them blubber about how the election they lost was rigged. It’s what friends are for. (Remember how he used to pick through and separate out the pink and red Starbursts for Trump when he was in the White House?)

This clip describes a call Cheney was accidentally part of on January 4, where she heard Trump surrogate idiots making plans for January 6. And Cheney writes that McCarthy told her two days after the election that he understood he had lost the election. “He knows it’s over. He just needs to go through the stages of grief.” McCarthy went on TV that day and said, “President Trump won this election.”

(Denial, anger, bargaining, bargaining, bargaining, overthrow Republic, incite terrorist attack against Republic, bargaining, denial, anger, denial anger denial anger denialangerdenialdenialangerdenialanger.)

Cheney wrote that one of the stages was apparently tweeting.

So this is all awesome. If the voters of Wyoming are going to replace Cheney with an anthropomorphized local news Facebook comments section, she might as well jot down some thoughts about what she just endured.

In the book, Cheney writes that her former Republican colleagues are “enablers and collaborators” who were “willing to violate their oath to the Constitution out of political expediency and loyalty to Donald Trump,” according to CNN.

We’re delighted to learn she’s sharing inside scoop on new Christian extremist lunatic creep Speaker Mike Johnson, specifically on what a beta cuck he is when Trump is around. She writes that he “appeared especially susceptible to flattery from Trump and aspired to being anywhere in Trump’s orbit.” That really does track. Oh boy, that tracks.

Indeed, Cheney writes of the time when Johnson was one of the main architects of the plan to steal the election for Trump, how he would seem to admit privately that his so-called legal arguments for overturning the vote were horseshit:

“When I confronted him with the flaws in his legal arguments,” Cheney writes, “Johnson would often concede, or say something to the effect of, ‘We just need to do this one last thing for Trump.’”

What a needy, pathetic little boy.

And of course Cheney is spilling tea on how Republicans are 100 percent aware that Trump lost the election, how on January 6 before the MAGA terrorist attack, folks were being encouraged to sign sheets in the GOP cloakroom to register that they were on board with objecting to the electors from specific states.

“Among them was Republican Congressman Mark Green of Tennessee,” Cheney writes. “As he moved down the line, signing his name to the pieces of paper, Green said sheepishly to no one in particular, ‘The things we do for the Orange Jesus.’”

Humiliate them.

There’s even an account of one Republican representative — unfortunately unnamed — who after January 6 told Cheney he knew Trump deserved impeachment, but he was scared for the safety of his wife and baby if he followed his convictions. (The MAGA Republican party, everyone! They’re fucking un-American traitors and thugs.)

“I absolutely understood his fear,” Cheney writes. “But I also thought, ‘Perhaps you need to be in another job.’”

And then there was this moment of woke mind virus from Republican Rep. Mike Turner of Ohio, after a long February 2021 caucus meeting where everybody yelled at Cheney for having integrity and doing it in public: “Well, I just got to spend four hours listening to a bunch of men tell a woman that she wasn’t taking their feelings into account.”

(In the same meeting, Rep. Mike Kelly of Pennsylvania whined to Cheney, “It’s like you’re playing in the biggest game of your life and you look up and see your girlfriend sitting on the opponent’s side!” The women in the room shouted, “SHE’S NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND!”)

What an embarrassing shitshow the Republican Party has become.

CNN includes this pic of McCarthy and Trump on January 28, 2021, during Trump’s Mar-a-Lago hunger strike, courtesy of the Save America PAC:

Regarding that photo:

Cheney reveals that other Republicans were also “angry and disgusted” at McCarthy’s visit to Trump. She writes: “Some mocked him, circulating the Trump/McCarthy photo along with the clip from the movie Jerry Maguire where Tom Cruise tells Renée Zellweger, ‘You ... complete … me.’”

LMAO. Guess some Republicans do have a sense of humor.

We’ll finish here the way CNN’s excerpt finishes, with these passages from the end of Cheney’s book, warnings for 2024:

“Trump has told us that he thinks the Constitution can and should be suspended when necessary, that what happened on Jan. 6 was justified, that in a second Trump presidency he would seek retribution,” Cheney writes. “The assumption that our institutions will protect themselves is purely wishful thinking by people who prefer to look the other way.” […]
“We have also now learned that most Republicans currently in Congress will do what Donald Trump asks, no matter what it is,” Cheney writes. “I am very sad to say that America can no longer count on a body of elected Republicans to protect our republic.” […]
“Every one of us — Republican, Democrat, Independent — must work and vote together to ensure that Donald Trump and those who have appeased, enabled, and collaborated with him are defeated.”
Cheney concludes: “This is the cause of our time.”

You know, unless Joe Biden is old or [insert other surely very important whining here].

The book comes out December 5, just in time to stick it in your Trump-loving uncle’s stocking and watch him seethe.