King Charles Reminds Everyone Who's The Boss (Of Canada)

The King and Ai-yi-yi.

It’s easy for Canadians to forget our head of state is an old British dude who doesn’t actually live here and gets his power directly from the will of God.

The government even seems touchy when explaining the arrangement with the head of the Church of England and a big bunch of other things: “We do not swear allegiance to a piece of cloth (office), a document (a constitution) or a political entity. Rather we swear allegiance to a person who embodies our collective values as a people.”

Whether we like the person or not.

But while the country’s status as a constitutional monarchy may seem like a dusty anachronism in the 21st century, we all saw how well America’s celebrated system of checks and balances fared when tested beyond the manufacturers’ recommended guidelines, and it may come in handy to have a scepter within reach for “break glass in case of emergency” situations.

Especially when it belongs to someone the maniac making emergencies everywhere called a “beautiful man, a wonderful man” while accepting an invitation for yet another unnecessary state visit to the UK.

King Charles III made his first hop across the pond as dread sovereign last week to give the traditional throne speech to open Parliament after the election, the first time since his mom did back in 1977, quite possibly just to get away from the Sex Pistols for a bit. The whole point of having a wildly expensive Governor-General is to be available to stand in for the Crown for pomp and circumstance stuff, but apparently new Prime Minister Mark Carney thought the message wouldn’t carry quite the same weight with the racist Trump regime coming from an Inuk woman, Mary Simon, as it might from her boss with the gold hat and posh accent whose ex-wife looked a little bit like Ivanka.

Also Simon doesn’t speak French, much to the Quebecois’ annoyance, which the King switched to after delivering one of the more eyebrow-raising lines:

The Prime Minister and the President of the United States have begun defining a new economic and security relationship between Canada and the US, rooted in mutual respect and founded on common interests, to deliver transformational benefits for both sovereign nations.

A “new economic and security relationship” is certainly one way to describe an officially illegal trade war and bonkers annexation threats.

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He then changed languages to address his reluctant francophone subjects while also denying Fox News a clip, not unlike how adults spell out certain words they don’t want a toddler to understand:

In parallel, the government is working to strengthen its relationships with reliable trading partners and allies around the world, recognizing that Canada has what the world needs and the values the world respects. Canada is ready to build a coalition of like-minded countries that share its values, that believe in international co-operation and the free and open exchange of goods, services, and ideas.

The translated fiable (reliable) was French chef’s kiss perfect although sain (sane) would’ve been funnier, and it wouldn’t be a surprise if the speech provided by the Canadian government was written by Carney himself given the precision of the language and his growing reputation as a micro-manager. Which was mostly just a rah-rah rehash of campaign promises and an awkward acknowledgment of the stolen Algonquin territory the King was speaking on. You might recall how Carney successfully buttered the taco by calling El Jefe “a transformational president” in their first face-to-face meeting in the White House a couple of weeks ago without specifying if it was for better or worse.

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Canadians generally weren’t all that fired up by the King’s speech, which wasn’t nearly as dramatic as his grandfather Colin Firth’s declaration of war with Germany, and an Angus Reid poll found 83 percent of us “didn’t care” who delivered it. Charlesmania didn’t exactly sweep the nation two years ago, not least because the septuagenarian nepo baby’s coronation didn’t come as any great surprise. Plus a lot of young people think he might be a bit of a dick after watching the hit Netflix series “The Crown.” (No spoilers in the comments as I’m still on season five and don’t want to find out what happens next!) But not everyone wants Charles in charge of them.

Fun fact: It isn’t considered treason in Canada to conspire to kill the prime minister while it is the king or queen. The relationship with our royalty is very different than it is with LeBron or Queen Bey. There’s even a rarely enforced law against doing anything to “alarm His Majesty” that’s punishable by up to two years in the dungeon, and things that must currently alarm the man include his recent cancer diagnosis, whatever awful family secrets the ginger son who looks nothing like him might spill next, and the certain wrath of British citizens for inflicting a second state visit from Grampa Hitler on them.

If any country learned the lesson about appeasing Nazis, you’d think it would’ve been England.

The PM has already expressed his disapproval of a potential Royale with Cheeto summit meeting, telling Sky News that Canadians “weren’t impressed” with the invitation made back in February when the UK’s Prime Minister Keir Starmer bent the knee in Washington. It’s hard to imagine many Brits will be dancing in the streets either.

Normally a second-term US president would just get a quick chat over tea and crumpets minus the pageantry. Although the sick old man making a transatlantic flight for a one-day visit seems more like a personal favor (or apology) to his former governor of the Bank of England than it does an official duty he could’ve easily said no to for health reasons, so who the hell knows what goes on behind closed doors.

With any luck Skookum Chuck™ will impress upon the dumbfuck — as someone who can relate to being born into a life of unimaginable luxury — how much easier it is to just be a symbolic head of state and let minions do the heavy lifting. Otherwise it’s super weird that the Royal Family, having excommunicated Prince Andrew for being a sex pest, would roll out the red carpet for yet another frequent flyer to Epstein Island.

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Although, speaking as both one of His Majesty’s loyal subjects and a distant relative of Sir Ian Fleming, there’s hope the invite was instead inspired by a meme that made the rounds during a previous visit.

[The Daily Mail / The Crown Society of Canada / Sky News / Bluesky]