Lauren Boebert Ejacs ... Ejects Herself Into Different Congressional District

Low favorability ratings have her groping for relevance.

Lauren Boebert, the rootinest’, tootinest, handsiest grandma in all the Western Slope of Colorado, has chosen to ejaculate herself from her seat in Colorado’s Third Congressional District.

Sadly for simple human decency (but luckily for comedy), this does not mean she is leaving the House. No, Boebert has decided to run for retiring Rep. Ken Buck’s seat in Colorado’s Fourth District, thus adding “carpetbagging” to her illustrious resume, where it will take pride of place alongside her other two skills, handjobs and shooting [heh] things.

Which, arguably, are the same skill. It’s just a question of which bodily fluid you’re covered in afterwards.

Boebert made the announcement in a video shot (heh heh) in what is either her kitchen or an IKEA showroom:

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PREVIOUSLY!

Lauren Boebert Kicked Out Of Theater For Acting Too Lauren Boebert-y

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The video ended when the plumber stopped by to fix her sink.

Boebert’s announcement hits all the high notes for the wingnut Stations of the Cross. Is Boebert still dedicated to stopping “the socialists and communists from taking over our country”? You bet. Raising the specter of “Hollywood elites” buying this seat? Sure thing. Those left-wing dark money groups really chafe her.

Has this been a “challenging year” for Boebert? Yes, she admits to having “made my own personal mistakes,” which we can only assume means she forgot to moisturize before heading out to see Beetlejuice: The Musical.

Those of you who are “30 Rock” fans will enjoy her pronunciation of the word “rural” around the 2:45 mark.

Strategically, this move makes a fair amount of sense for Republicans. Boebert barely squeezed out (HI-YO!) a victory in her 2022 re-election run, beating her Democratic opponent, Adam Frisch, by a mere 546 votes, despite her deep-red district being rated as either Strong or Likely Republican by election forecasters.

And that was before her infamous sexxxytimes at the theater. Now, Cook Political Report has CO-03 rated as a Republican Toss-Up.

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Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice! This Is The Post With The Lauren Boebert 'Beetlejuice' Updates.

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Frisch is running again in 2024, when Democratic turnout will likely be higher thanks to the presidential race being on the ballot, and early polls were already causing Boebert’s team to worry. And her national profile was already a huge fundraising boost to Frisch. (He’s outraised her this cycle three to one.)

In her announcement video, Boebert of course blamed “Soros,” “Hollywood,” and “Aspen donors” for inundating her opponent with cash in an effort to buy her seat. Hey, whatever gets you there! (Ironically this could also be said about Boebert’s shenanigans at that performance of Beetlejuice.)

Boebert’s message for these three electoral demons? “They can go pound sand!” And if there is one thing everyone knows, it’s that Lauren Boebert can take a pounding.

Boebert has a better chance of election in CO-04, where retiring incumbent Ken Buck won his last race by almost 25 points. The Republicans have no margin for error with their very narrow House majority, which they lose if the Democrats pick up a mere four seats. And this is a presidential year, which tends to favor Democrats, especially when the presidential candidate is an incumbent. So they are shifting Boebert to a more winnable seat — although the primary is already quite full there, and we say Boebs loses it outright — and focusing on someone with less baggage for CO-03.

Much less baggage. We’re talking “Guy leaving the Denver airport without his luggage because the airline sent it to Tokyo” levels of less baggage.

Boebert ends her video this way:

“May God continue to bless you. May he have his hand over our great nation.”

May God also continue to make it this easy for the joke writers and the snark blogs.

[Washington Post / YouTube]

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