Living In Fontana, Got A Kitchen For His Farm. Tabs, Thurs., Jan. 9, 2024

Morning news roundup and things to read!

Tabs gif by your friend Martini Glambassador!

Morning news roundup! Things to read! I said that already you guys.

Trump wants us to talk about how studly and manly and rapey he is about Greenland and grabbing it by the pussy without consent. He doesn’t want us talking about Jack Smith and the report on Trump’s stolen national secrets. And Merrick Garland needs to grow one (1) pube on at least one ball and release the fucking report already, or it will never ever see the light of day. (The Bulwark)

Dok talked yesterday about how failed mayoral candidate billionaire Rick Caruso blamed Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass for the hydrants not having water and also being Black. Well, update: The hydrants did have water, but after three million gallons they ran out and couldn’t be refilled because they were pumping water to fight fires at lower elevations, WHY DIDN’T KAREN BASS FIX PHYSICS. Fucking Rick Caruso you piece of shit dick. (LA Times)

Yeah okay. Joe Biden was in Los Angeles attending a briefing and promising federal help for LA.

Hours earlier, Republican President-elect Donald Trump, just days away from being sworn in on Jan. 20, blamed “Newscum and his Los Angeles crew” for the unfolding calamity.

That’s neat. (LA Times)

TIMELY! How Trump will “feast” off the climate crisis. I’m too sickened to read this one right now. The tab shall live to stay in my browser another day. (Mother Jones)

Enough Senate Democrats are cosponsoring the Laken Riley Act — which requires deporting anyone who shoplifts, even if they’re not convicted or even charged, because a white woman very sadly got murdered — that it moves forward. You don’t need to smash the filibuster if you’ve got John Fetterman and eight others voting with Republicans! I don’t know what happened to our newest Manchin/Sinema. Not ableist, serious question: Did his stroke cause a personality change? Or did the pro-Palestinian folks mad at his stance on Israel hurt his feelings enough that he’s just completely Elon Musk fashing out? That guy was not a centrist. That guy was a Bernie guy. (Inquirer)

That one guy who had the biggest cache of homemade bombs the government has ever seen, used Joe Biden’s picture for target practice, and had previously blown off his own hand? A judge thought better of a different judge’s $25,000 bail for him (so effectively $2500 with a bail bond) and said FUCK NO. (CourtWatch / Order)

Why are Elon and the Bros going full Nazi, and why is Trump their number one fella? (Paul Waldman)

The judges are feeling frisky, overturning all the rules and regulations we said they would after Loper Bright v. Raimondo. (Law and Chaos)

I’m so old I remember when History’s Greatest Monster Bill Clinton met with Obama’s AG, Loretta Lynch, on the tarmac, and it was so shocking that James Comey had to do the Comey Letter or whatfuckingever. Anyway, Alito and Trump shooting the shit and claiming they didn’t talk about anything they oughten lolooololoololol. (ABC News)

Callback to a thing you didn’t know we were calling back to: This true crime from the comments about a lady “doing things she oughten.” CRIME. TRUE. OUGHTEN. I still haven’t even read this tab but I am so in love with “she worked from home, so to speak.” Oh HAZEL! (Knoxville Today)

Here are the frackers who bought Cabinet positions. Good for them. Like when I was unemployed and bought me a job at “Wonkette.” (Involved considerably less murdering the world, but goals are goals.) (Revolving Door Project)

I have done this LA River kayak trip! It was wonderful! (Reasons to Be Cheerful)

I have changed our SAN DIEGO WONK PARTY to Thurs., Feb. 20, 6-8 p.m., because I really want to meet Werewolf and that day works better for him. Sucks to be the rest of you having to get somewhere in San Diego at 6 on a Thursday! :D Where will it be? Still don’t know yet, we’ll figure it out soon! NB: Orange County, thinking about seeing you on Tues., Feb. 18, before we finnnnnallllly take the girls to Disneyland (we were supposed to take them in 2020 and then PANDEMIC), or maybe I won’t! Make the case for why I should buy you drinks, in my email or in the comments!

I’ve got my California home on my mind, obviously. This is my late, lamented friend Chris Gaffney who used to launch into this song as soon as I walked into the bar without my even asking. “Met your brother yesterday/He's a loser. Living in Fontana/Got a kitchen for his farm.”

“Looking for a man who wouldn't love you if his life depended on it,” who, ME? Not anymore ;)

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