Matt Schlapp’s CPAC Team-Building Exercises Sound Fun, If You're Into Exorcisms
No. Just no.
OK so you know how CPAC conservative family values hero Matt Schlapp and his Christian wife Mercedes “Mercy” Schlapp are having a fucking shitfit this week? There are new allegations that say Monsieur Schlapp tried to yank additional peens besides the one in the ongoing lawsuit from the former Herschel Walker staffer who says Schlapp tried to pummel his junk without his consent. Oh yeah, and we just found out Schlapp reportedly tried to settle with that dude.
This whole time Schlmatt and Schlmercy have been pretty sure this is a coordinated attack on them from the Daily Beast and Dark Lord Satan himself, who is definitely real and not just a character from an extremely long children’s fantasy book called “Holy Bible.”
Oh No, The Daily Beast And Its Lover Satan Are Chasing Perfect Christians Matt And Mercedes Schlapp
Oh. My. Lord. They have been on Twitter posting pictures of their favorite saints and begging those saints to rain down hell on the Daily Beast. It’s so deranged. “Our Lady of Guadalupe, strike down the BEAST,” tweeted Schlmatt. “St Michael the Archangel take down the beast,” tweeted Schlmercy, with a bit less flair and punctuation.
We guess all this has put people in the mood to spill more Schlapp Schlecrets to (natch) the Beast. Now Roger Sollenberger is bringing us the story of that time last year when Matt Schlapp got a priest to come in and do exorcisms to get all the demons out of the CPAC offices.
Why? Because some people resigned. And you know why they quit? Tell you in a sec.
It was spring of 2022 and thus began the weirdest fuckin’ teambuilding exercise ever:
[O]n an afternoon in spring 2022, CPAC employees at their offices in Alexandria, Virginia—about eight miles from the fabled staircase featured in the 1973 horror classic The Exorcist—found themselves suddenly in the presence of a Catholic priest.
Hello, Father.
The priest, sources said, sprinkled holy water around the CPAC premises and blessed all the staff, regardless of their faith.
That’s predatory and extremely on-brand.
As part of the rite, according to these people, the priest placed a medallion above doors in the offices and explained that it would help ward off evil spirits.
Or your money back!
Again, this was spring of 2022, before the allegations came out about Schlappy Squirrel, so it’s possible the demon-repelling medallions are faulty. (They’re still there. Daily Beast has a pic.)
The people who quit working for CPAC, thereby tipping the Schlapps off to the presence of evil schlpirits, quit because they had been asking for more money, and CPAC kept saying no. Apparently Matt was truly fucking garbage to these employees.
“Everyone disrespects what the Schlapps did to them. They left because they couldn’t get money,” one of the people told The Daily Beast. “Matt has said, ‘everyone is disposable,’ and says that they can always find someone else to do the job for that much.”
So they did that thing where a bunch of employees say fuck you and quit on the same day.
(Demons made ‘em do it, we reckon.)
Oh my fucking God, the Beast’s sources’ accounts of this CPAC pin-the-tail-on-the-demon scavenger hunt are insane.
[One] source described the 2022 event as “the weirdest thing I’d seen,” and yet another said, “I had no idea what was going on.”
Multiple sources with knowledge of the event said the rite included a prayer circle in Schlapp’s office, which one person described as performative and inauthentic. “Like a show,” this source said.
“As the priest made his way through the office, spritzing holy water room to room, employees nudged him towards Matt’s office,” this person said. “The way he had treated junior employees, it seemed to us like he was the one who needed it the most.”
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha goddammit, this is the best Daily Satan article ever. We are going to injure ourselves laughing.
The Beast reports that it’s not just their anonymous sources blabbing about schlexorcisms at CPAC. They point us to a tweet from this year where David Safavian, CPAC general counsel, actually tweeted that they had just done an exorcism at the office:
Totally normal.
In response to this story Schlappy and Schlercedes are being the same even-keeled grownups they’ve been up to this point. Here’s part of their latest statement:
“CPAC is being terrorized by a demon self-described as The Daily Beast,” the statement, attributed to Matt Schlapp, said. “The good news is the leadership of CPAC knows how the epic battle against the Beast ends. I’d short the stock.”
OK, so even if you take the Revelation and the rest of biblical prophecy seriously, there are approximately one million interpretations of what those texts mean. Regretfully, FUCKING ZERO of them involve the online news website called The Daily Beast.
Matt also weighed in on Twitter:
“[T]he Daily Beast is running a story accusing us of being Roman Catholic and praying,” he tweeted. [Yes, it’s just about that. Nothing more. - Ed.] “Just a warning to the bad guys: Angels do carry swords and Beasts have much more significant problems w global warming.”
And now we are running a risk of injuring ourselves laughing again. Does Matt Schlapp think he is an angel in this story? Or does he think there’s a big hot sexxxy broad-shouldered angel with a sword up there in the sky fighting for him? Does it have the same “To Catch A Predator” haircut Matt Schlapp has?
Questions, we have multitudes.
Then there was Merschledes:
“Americans are dying of fentanyl, children are being sex trafficked, and violent crimes are happening in our cities while Satan’s publication is writing about exorcisms,” she tweeted. “Daily Beast is a joke.”
Reminder: Her family values conservative Roman Catholic husband is accused of sexually abusing/making unwanted sexual advances at men. Forsooth, even as Americans are dying of fentanyl and Mercy Schlapp is making racist Republican dogwhistle noises on Twitter about violent crime, her husband is accused of doing those things.
Not by the Daily Beast.
By other conservative men.
Fuck, these people are nutcases.
Can’t wait for the next story Satan tells us about them.
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.
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Satan has my full support in this instance.
*fetches cheerleader pompoms*
>>“As the priest made his way through the office, spritzing holy water room to room<<
Okay, the image of a fully bedecked priest sashaying around the CPAC offices spritzing holy water out of an atomizer like it's Chanel No. 5 is quite possibly the gayest thing I've read today.