New Conspiracy Theory Just Dropped! It’s Drones!
Everybody from MTG to Roseanne Barr and Larry Hogan is getting in on the action.
It’s the conspiracy theory sensation sweeping the nation! Drones!
They’re a little bit chemtrail, a little bit UFO. The specter of drones in the skies is freaking out everybody from Marjorie Taylor Greene to Larry Hogan to every rando nutjob on Xitter. Since the first sightings on November 18, calls to the FAA have exploded, and expanded to other states. Italian space lasers? Aliens? The Chinese? Santa Claus’s elves checking on who is being naughty or nice? Probably it’s Project Blue Beam!
Have you heard of that one? Hoo boy, buckle up and strap on your tinfoil! This theory, made up by a Quebecois conspiracist named Serge Monast in the ‘90s, posits that there’s “a plot to facilitate a totalitarian world government by destroying Abrahamic religions and replacing them with a New Age belief system using futuristic NASA technology and involving a faked alien invasion or fake extraterrestrial encounter meant to deceive nations into uniting under a world government.”
Oh, well, that must be it, then. That’s what Roseanne Barr and Alex Jones think, anyway. Jones even thinks some kind of holograms will be involved. Maybe Tupac will hop off a spaceship and tell us all to obey the New World Order! Matt Walsh is sure it is aliens, because aliens apparently have nothing better to do than watch the Wildwoods rollercoasters in December.
Even Dotard is getting in on the action.
“Mystery Drone sightings all over the Country. Can this really be happening without our government’s knowledge. I don’t think so! Let the public know, and now. Otherwise, shoot them down!!!”
Yes, shooting at things in the sky when you don’t know what they are, what could go wrong? Rep. Jeff Van Drew, New Jersey Republican, is convinced the drones are coming from “a mothership” from Iran that is “off the East Coast of the United States of America.” Whatever it is, “we aren’t being told the truth,” he fussed on Fox News. “They are dealing with the American public like we’re stupid.” Uh, no comment there. Maybe it’s George Clinton and Parliament-Funkadelic here to force the boys to make some noise and put glides in their strides and dips in their hips, wouldn’t that be nice?
For a mothership, this one sure has been mighty shy. And why would these mothership drones/fake aliens/destroyer of Abrahamic religions be interested in New Jersey, of all places? And not, like, somewhere where a lot of people could better see and appreciate their New World Order-bringing glory? Why are they only seen at night, in very blurry photos? Does no one in the state of New Jersey have a decent camera? Really not getting the light-year-groovin’ job done, there, mothership. Swing the chariot lower and loosen up that booty!
Also, if you’re the New World Order and want to freak everybody out, why take the extra steps with the religion and the alien encounter stuff? Why not just be like “we’ve got a mothership connection and ubiquitous drones, so bend the knee before we pew pew pew vaporize y’all, mkay?” Why does this World Order give a shit what anybody’s religion is, so long as they get the adrenochrome to keep their alien skin smooth and supple, or whatever it is that they want?
So what are these drones really?
Probably planes. White House National Security Council spokesman John Kirby says that’s what most of them are. And sweet new Democratic New Jersey Senator Andy Kim, the guy who went around with a trash bag cleaning up the Capitol at 1:00 a.m. after the January 6 attack for Trump, did a little bit of investigating of his own. He looked at the lights, he shot video, and used public flight tracking tools to reference flight data, and spoiler, they were planes.
The Twitterverse was grateful! Just kidding, he got comments like “Yup.. just as we thought: You’re a gigantic pussy.” And “one red light one spraying, and another one surveiling (sic) - they are moving in groups - what are they spraying?” (Sigh, planes trail vapor.)
And some of them are stars! Former Republican Maryland governor and loser for Senate Larry Hogan confused the constellation Orion with mystery vessels, yowza yowch cringe! A whole lot of this seems to be folks like Hogan who apparently do not get out and look at the night sky too often.
Oof, that community note. “The stars at the 39 second mark are recognizably the constellation Orion. From this you can determine that the bright lights behind the trees are the stars Sirius and Procyon. No anomalous objects are apparent in this video.” Just one big dumb melon head.
And some of the objects may be actual drones! Radiation-detecting drones have been a thing for at least six years. Maybe they’re checking out Three Mile Island over there for leaks? That would be a good thing. Also, there’s nothing illegal about hobbyists flying drones at night, and if I were a jerkass kid with a drone I’d sure be right out there launching that thing to watch idiots crap their pants about it. Where there have been dicks with drones, police have acted fast: two men were arrested in Boston over the weekend and charged with trespassing for flying a drone “dangerously close” to Logan International Airport.
But seems like every couple of years (or more lately, every couple of weeks) there’s some freakout about things in the sky. Remember 2008 when Texans were convinced that some alien craft “as big as a Walmart” was being escorted by military planes over Stephensville? Bill O’Reilly even featured it on his stupid “O’Reilly Factor” show. In May we had sentient hairbrush Rep. Anna Paulina Luna flapping her yap in a House Oversight Committee meeting, claiming the government is covering up UFOs. And Charlie Kirk has been on the fake-alien-invasion thing for a while.
Well, if it does turn out to be an alien invasion of adrenochrome-sucking New World Order somethings, we sure will feel silly for making fun of these idiots. But until we see some little green asses out here demanding fealty, we’re going to be sticking with the planes and stars theory, for now.
[Daily Beast archive link / NBC - John Kirby / NBC - Drone Arrests]
I don't know about drones, but there can never be too much Mothership Connection.
I live in NJ and can say that I have precisely zero interest in these "drones." Say they are actual drones and they are surveilling me- first, I'm not enough of a narcissist to think they are surveilling me qua me, and second if I'm in your view, go fucking nuts, it'll be a pretty boring few hours of watching a mom pick up and drop off her kids at school while yelling at them to take their goddamn backpacks and maybe just once shut the fucking car door behind them, Amazon deliveries and dogs shitting in the yard. I love how people have all this energy to get worked up about nothingburger nonsense like this but when it comes time to actually care about *real* issues they can do something about with some reasonable engagement like voting (not voting for a fascist grifting orange twatwaffle)....they leave a cloud of vapor behind them they disappear so fast.