The New York Times is such a pathetic ballwasher for fascists, if Hitler had set up Auschwitz in Central Park they would have said it “raises questions” about land use codes.
Perhaps you have heard that the Alaska Senate campaign of Mary Peltola has been CAUGHT! red-handed doing something that isn’t illegal, is maybe a tad unethical but in a world where Roger Stone runs free fuck you, and besides, because of Alaska’s ranked choice voting system, there is a zero percent chance it will have any effect on the outcome of the race.
And yet now, because of the New York Times’s sloppy “Hillary’s emails”-style reporting, Donald Trump is calling for criminal investigations, so is the Republican Alaska governor, and Trump’s lipstick-out-pomeranian attorney general Todd Blanche is almost certainly going to try to use this to stop the election from being certified, should Peltola win. You know, since he’s already openly interfering in Alaska’s election.
The New York Times’s screaming headline, like it’s actually an important story, says “Inside Democrats’ Secret Effort to Stack Alaska’s Ballot.” Whoa, that’s nuts! The subhed explains that “Operatives aligned with Mary Peltola, the Democratic nominee for Senate, spent months recruiting candidates to peel votes from Senator Dan Sullivan, the Republican.”
Sounds ratfucky. Illegal? Nah.
The article claims that it was the work of the Peltola campaign to find and recruit more “Dan Sullivans” for the ballot, to make it harder for the incumbent Republican Senator Dan Sullivan to win, or at least to muddy some waters. And they found one! Also they tried to find some more spoilers with all different names, probably people named “Carl Salmon” or “Becky Halibut” or something. Or Gerald Heikes, another registered Republican who will be on the ballot, after they got the original fourth guy on the ballot — who would have been a spoiler for the Democrats — to withdraw.
They claim the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee (DSCC) was involved. Both the campaign and the DSCC deny it.
In paragraph eight, they admit that this is not illegal and also not uncommon. But, the Times seems to protest, it’s Democrats! Unfair!
In paragraph nine, they explain that their main source is literally a campaign aide who got fired in August. (She isn’t their only source, but she’s their main squeeze.)
In paragraphs 17 and 18, they explain that the former aide, Elisa Rios, had tried to retract all her statements, but the New York Times wouldn’t let her, presumably because now the New York Times is ratfucking a Democrat, and they haven’t had an erection like this since they and the rest of the media were using Rudy Giuliani’s farts and an already-debunked, Breitbart-funded book to attack the Clinton Foundation.
In paragraph 19, the Times explains that they didn’t want to let Rios retract her claims, because you don’t just dangle something like this in front of the New York Times and then take it away, Elisa.
In paragraph 32, the Times explained that Alaska’s nonpartisan primaries make it pretty darn easy to add spoiler candidates to the ballot, like this newfangled “Dan Sullivan” they found, if that is even his real name, his real name is probably “Joann Walleye Pollock.”
In paragraph 33, they explain that:
Republicans have also taken advantage of this system. When Ms. Peltola ran for re-election to the House two years ago, the state Republican Party backed an effort to help a Democrat — an inmate who ran his campaign from a New York prison — stay on the ballot.
We’ll let you have some time to find the all caps New York Times article about that one.
You can read the whole thing if you want, it’s kind of funny. As our headline suggests, it actually shows Democrats playing hardball, playing dirty, and you know what? If MAGA doesn’t like it, they can get on their hands and knees and rub their faces around in it, because go fuck yourself.
One thing the Times article fails to mention entirely is that Alaska’s ranked choice voting system means that this won’t fucking matter no matter what. If Peltola wins 50 percent of the vote, she fucking wins. If nobody wins 50 percent, the candidate with the fewest votes is eliminated, and that person’s votes go to whoever their voters chose as their second choice. And so forth until it’s two candidates and one of them outright wins.
Unless you think there is somehow a chance that Fake Dan Sullivan ends up in the final head-to-head with Peltola — in which case you’re fucking stupid — then this changes nothing, nada, nunca, goddamn fuckin’ NOPE.
(CNBC wrote about this too and didn’t do much better. It saw fit to mention the ranked choice voting, noting that if somebody ranked Fake Dan first and Real Fake Dan second, then their vote would end up with Real Dan if it went to round two. But it didn’t really explain it, and that’s why goddamned Wonkette is a more thoroughly respectable news organization than the goddamned EVERYBODY ELSE, fucking membership drive ongoing.)
Remember that this is what Alaska’s ballot looks like this year:
In order for this scheme to work, in any way, then the assumption would be that enough Republican voters were so stupid that they ranked Fake Dan in the first round and ignored the one that loudly says “(Registered Republican) Incumbent” entirely.
Do Republicans believe their voters are that stupid? Yes. When a reporter asked JD Vance about this, and if it’s “insulting” to voters for them to suggest that none of them can goddamn read the words above, he said voters were too “busy” to understand ballots. We guess they’re too busy to learn how to read in Alaska, in general.
This story is literally absolutely 100 percent nothing.
Except that it’s worse than nothing because Donald Trump’s little bitch Todd Blanche is already trying to attack, thwart and pre-overturn the Alaska election, and this just adds more fuel to the fascists’ fire.
Here comes Stupid Hitler to take a break from bragging about his dementia tests to just lie to his pigfuck followers about it. He is screaming and lying that Democrats “illegally searched for” (lie) a Fake Dan to “defraud” (lie) the election. He’s demanding Mary Peltola be kicked off the ballot and prosecuted.
Quick question: Are we to take this to mean that ratfucking elections is illegal now? Or is it just illegal if Democrats do it?
Please advise, Dementia Hitler and New York Times.
The Republican governor of Alaska has ordered an investigation into whether any crimes were committed, which we guess they can call off since this Wonkette post just solved that pickle for him.
If you are one of the 604,771 registered voters in Alaska, we trust that you are not too stupid to read the ballot, but if you are a Republican who gets confused easily, we think it’s best to just not vote for any of the Dan Sullivans, lest you accidentally pick the wrong one.
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If Republicans had done the same thing, the NYT reporters would likely have sat on the news so they could publish it in a moneymaking book 2 years later.
The Alaskan Supreme Court decided on this matter in June and ordered Dan J Sullivan to be placed on the ballot.
https://alaskabeacon.com/2026/06/29/alaska-supreme-court-rules-dan-j-sullivan-eligible-to-run-for-us-senate/
Case is closed, NYT can suck it.