Nigel Farage Fake-Quits Parliament To Evade Investigation, Must Now Run Against Bloke Wearing Rubbish Bin On Head
Maine Democrats rush to naturalize and nominate Binny McBinface to run against Susan Collins.
Back in 2017, The New Yorker’s Adam Gopnik argued that maybe the American Revolution against Great Britain was a bad idea, in an article summed up by the perfect headline, “We Could Have Been Canada.”
Look north to Canada, or south to Australia, and you will see different possibilities of peaceful evolution away from Britain, toward sane and whole, more equitable and less sanguinary countries. No revolution, and slavery might have ended, as it did elsewhere in the British Empire, more peacefully and sooner. No “peculiar institution,” no hideous Civil War and appalling aftermath. [...] We could have ended with a social-democratic commonwealth that stretched from north to south, a near-continent-wide Canada.
I’ve been thinking about that idea a bit, especially after listening to this terrific “On the Media” podcast interviewing the hosts of “The Rest is History,” offering a British perspective on the American Revolution and how our two countries have evolved since then.
The hell with Donald Trump taking over Canada; the other way around would make the world a much nicer place. (I suppose now ICE will start trying to deport me even though I was born in Oregon, another formerly-British territory.)
The other big advantage of remaining in the UK Commonwealth, of course, is that we might have a multi-party parliamentary democracy, which 1) allows for quicker disposal of a head of state who’s flat out terrible, and 2) invites more raving loony* candidates to seek office, such as “Count Binface,” a character played by comedian Jonathan Harvey. Count Binface will be the only person running against creepy fascist Nigel Farage in an upcoming by-election (what the Brits call a special election).
It’s a pretty clear choice for voters in the Clacton district in southeast England. Unlike the racist, anti-migrant Farage, Count Binface is only pretending to be garbage.
Assuming he can get the 10 nominating petitions he needs to get on the ballot, this would be Count Binface’s second run for office this year, after his unsuccessful run in Makerfield against a candidate who was already serving as mayor of Manchester. Binface tells the Sky News reporter in this video, “I believe elected mayors should serve out their terms before they're eligible to stand for Parliament,” and by golly we like him for that. (Count Binface received a respectable 95 votes, just 68 votes behind the “serious” Liberal Democratic candidate.
*We should note that Count Binface is not officially affiliated with the Official Monster Raving Loony Party, which is why we didn’t capitalize it.
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Farage is the leader of the far-Right Reform UK Party, and in his role as the leader of the campaign for Brexit, a sort of John the Baptist for Trumpism and its weaponized racism. Unfortunately, Farage’s head remains attached to his neck. He triggered the by-election Tuesday by suddenly “resigning” from his parliamentary seat in an effort to short-circuit an investigation by the House of Commons Standards Committee into millions of pounds of donations from “friends” including crypto bro Christopher Harborne (£5 million, or $6.7 million in real money) and from “George Cottrell, a political ally who was convicted of wire fraud in the U.S. in 2017.”
This raises a serious question for the Special Relationship between the US and Britain: Why hasn’t Donald Trump pardoned this Cottrell fellow?
Not surprisingly, Farage is trying to run the Trump Playbook, insisting that the investigation into his hinky donations is a mean witch hunt by the “establishment” that just wants to ruin him and the UK, claiming that if he’s reelected by his constituents, that will prove he’s innocent because why would anyone elect a crook?
“The establishment has now decided that they can’t beat us fairly... they have chosen to use foul means,” Farage said, having earlier described scrutiny of his finances as an “establishment hit job.”
Virtually all of the serious British political parties quickly announced that they wouldn’t legitimize (or legitimise) Farage’s sleazy stunt by putting up a candidate to run against him, leaving Count Binface the only candidate willing to stand up for democracy against the (alleged) crook Farage. As Binface (and under a previous identity, “Lord Buckethead,”) Harvey has run against three prime ministers and other candidates for office, using his gravitas as an “intergalactic space warrior” to mock political stupidity and clichés by turning both up to twelve or even thirteen.
He pledged on social media to be “a unity candidate and to build at least one affordable house,” which is one of his favorite/favourite campaign promises. In a beautiful moment of stonefaced going along with the bit, BBC Breakfast anchor Sarah Campell interviewed Binface, who also promised to pursue his agenda of “nationalizing Adele, bringing back CEEFAX [a pre-internet news-text service], and of course moving the hand dryer in the gents’ toilet in the Crown and Treaty pub Oxbridge to a more sensible position.”
Look upon his works, ye Silly, and weep!
When Campbell asked Binface if he’d ever actually been to Clacton, he sensibly replied “No, because I understand from the current incumbent that is part of how you do the job. So, I deliberately stayed away. Is that how it works?”
Hell yes. The people of Clacton have an opportunity to tell Nigel Farage to GTFO in the funniest way possible. Count Binface doesn’t need to win, he only needs to rack up a substantial protest vote in order to make a joke of Farage’s insistence that he’s a victim of establishment politics or the “deep state.”
As for Farage’s attempt to disrupt the investigation into him, his resignation does put a temporary end to it, but if he’s reelected to Parliament, it can be reactivated. For that matter, the investigation by the Standards Committee can continue even if an MP quits, if the members decide it’s “appropriate and proportionate” for the alleged offenses/offences. And even if he somehow wins against Count Binhead, Farage could still be the subject of a recall byelection a few months later, because Britain takes democracy seriously.
In conclusion, we urge the voters of Clacton to declare Bindependence from that wanker Farage while we draft this petition to be admitted to the Commonwealth.
[CNBC / BBC / Reuters / Guardian]
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“We Could Have Been Canada.”
Or we could have been India.
OT-
Whomp whomp.
Pay the fuck up, asshole.
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