Oh So Now Sandwich Beatings Are Legal
Another flawless victory for US Attorney Boxwine.
He admitted he beat the Border Patrol Gestapo idiot with a sandwich.
“I did it. I threw a sandwich,” said former DOJ employee and admitted sandwich hurler Sean Dunn, about that time he brought a sandwich to a fascism fight and did it on camera.
He threw the sandwich longways, it was maximum blunt force salami action, there was mustard involved, but on Thursday a DC jury looked at that video and told US Attorney Jeanine “Boxwine” Pirro that they didn’t see any sandwiches in that video, your mom is a fuckin’ sandwich, now go away and call your mommy the sandwich and cry about it.
If you’ll remember, grand juries in DC have been telling Boxwine to fuck off — and other grand juries have been telling Trump’s fascist US attorneys to fuck off all across this land! — but yet Boxwine has not been fucking off. When she tried to indict this particular ham sandwich (salami hoagie) with a felony, they said fuck off, so she brought it back as a misdemeanor.
The case has been going this week, Wonkette recapped it here.
The sandwich “kind of exploded” upon contact, said the victim of the violent salami pounding Gregory Lairmore during the trial. “I could smell the onions and mustard.”
But the sandwich had not exploded, it turned out, upon cross-examination by defense attorneys.
“That sandwich hasn’t exploded at all, has it?”
“It looks like a little bit is coming out towards the bottom,” said the victim, who remembered the salami coming toward his bottom.
The sandwich was still in its wrapper, thanks to how the victim was wearing a bulletproof vest.
But seriously, though, US Attorney Boxwine, you’re nailing it.
NBC News, which enjoyed writing its report on this far too much for a serious news organization, notes that the jury ate sandwiches while it was deliberating yesterday, which is probably prejudicial somehow. They note that the jury discussed this single charge for several hours, as if we hadn’t all seen the video and agreed it was hilarious.
Anyway, Salami Braveheart is glad he was acquitted, but says don’t call him a hero. Does he think maybe he got acquitted of dickslapping that fed with his salami because maybe DC residents aren’t big fans of being federally occupied by Trump’s army of fascists? “Perhaps,” he said.
CNN notes that, during trial, his lawyer Sabrina Shroff said that Dunn was particularly enraged that night because he had just left a Latin LGBTQ club, and he was worried Trump’s Nazis were about to raid it. That might have worried us too, had we witnessed it.
Dunn said more after the verdict:
“That night I believed that I was protecting the rights of immigrants,” Dunn said. “And let us not forget that the great seal of the United States says ‘E pluribus unum.’ That means ‘from many, one.’ Every life matters no matter where you came from. No matter how you got here, no matter how you identify, you have the right to live a life that is free.”
Print that on a hoagie wrapper and make Stephen Miller smell it.
US Attorney Boxwine, who is a serious person*, responded to the jury’s verdict:
“As always, we accept a jury’s verdict; that is the system within which we function. However, law enforcement should never be subjected to assault, no matter how ‘minor’. Even children know when they are angry, they are not allowed to throw objects at one another,” Pirro said in a written statement.
Factcheck, a jury in DC actually just said it was fine.
So.
*Objection! Assumes facts not in evidence!
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“ if the sandwich did not split,
you must acquit”
Mmmm, "salami hoagie."
Now THAT'S "assault with a deli weapon" I can appreciate!