Well, it seems like America’s Secretary of Hair And Makeup hit a snag with his goal of personally measuring the testosterone of every man in the United States Armed Forces, but he’s come up with a new trick for luring only the hottest guys in the whole military into the same room with him and whatever social or personal lubricants he is or isn’t keeping around him at all times these days.
The Wall Street Journal reports — we’re sorry, America, this is so fucking embarrassing — that Hegseth is casting a net into the sea for hot Army and Navy and Marine and Air Force guys to stand around him while he makes his “State of the Force” speech about how all the wars he’s started and lost are going. (Bad, they’re going bad. He’s not very experienced with military stuff.)
We guess he thinks this will distract from what a horrific and shameful embarrassment of a man and a military leader he is. Or maybe he just likes to have hot dicks around him. Whatever.
Again, this is Rupert Murdoch’s Wall Street Journal, which could decline to publish humiliating stories about Donald Trump’s secretary of Defense, if it wanted to.
The Pentagon is asking commanders to nominate troops to attend Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s “State of the Force” address this September, and says the servicemembers must meet waist-to-height requirements and exhibit “impeccable” grooming standards.
Whites only, no fats, no femmes, if we had to guess. Wait, yes, that’s the “waist-to-height requirement” part.
And they have to do their hairs the way Pete likes. On their heads, their faces, and probably their pubes too, but we guess the military will have to wait for that important speech from Pete.
Point is, Army guys like Pete are FORD TUFF, and also they really get off on the men behind them having that sort of Tom Of Finland aesthetic.
It’s not gay if you say WARFIGHTER!
WSJ continues:
Candidates, who will also have the opportunity to work out with the secretary …
“The opportunity.”
Is the “opportunity” in the room with us right now?
If that is an “opportunity” you are looking to pursue as a member of the US armed forces, two things:
We hope every member of the US armed forces right now understands how hilariously temporary Secretary Shitfaced is.
Aim higher.
So anyway, yeah, Hegseth is going to jerk off and priss for the troops the same way he did a year ago when he summoned all the generals who are superior to him in every way to fly across the globe so he could sassafras around the stage about hairstyles. It will happen September 30, two weeks closer to the beginning of MAGA’s humiliation in the midterms, and closer to Hegseth’s first date with a war crimes tribunal. (Be sure to trim your pubes for that one, Pete!)
Not sure if he’s demanding every general show up this time, or if he knows he’s blown that load for good. But he wants hot guys.
According to an email dated Tuesday and sent to Army commanders, the Pentagon is looking for servicemembers who fit certain “physical standards,” to attend the event: passing the Army’s waist-to-height ratio and the Army fitness tests, and having “impeccable grooming and uniform standards (no exception).” Other commands throughout the military received a similar version of the message, officials said.
In related news, Republican Rep. Thomas Massie — the one who sometimes has integrity — has filed eight impeachment articles against Hegseth. Among other things, they include starting and continuing the war against Iran illegally, abusing his power and more:
The articles of impeachment against Hegseth include ignoring laws that minimize civilian casualties, administering an "unlawful war" in Yemen, ordering extrajudicial killings, suppressing free speech and kidnapping a sovereign leader — alluding to the U.S. capture of Nicolas Maduro early this year.
Because he filed it as a privileged resolution, it forces a vote in the House, within two days. He didn’t give Speaker Mike Johnson or other Republican leadership a heads up, because he was worried they’d try to fuck him over and prevent him from doing it.
Well, about that! At press time, the House had just canceled its votes and decided to go home, instead of staying for the vote that literally the rules say they have to take. See you after the midterms!
Massie’s resolution isn’t good for Hegseth, though, obviously, which is why they’re scared to stay in town to vote on it. Especially with at least one Republican senator starting to talk openly about how he needs to be fired, and a whole lot more murmuring about what a joke he is.
But hey, maybe if all the guys behind Shitfaced when he gives that speech have really big white dicks and rock-hard abs, everybody will forget about what a fucking little loser bitch he is and nobody will want to impeach him anymore and all the other guys at the Pentagon will stop calling him “No Tab Pete.”
OPEN THREAD!
[ABC News]
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"Federal officials acknowledge that President Donald Trump’s planned triumphal arch will unavoidably harm historic sites if built as planned, but they say the project must move forward, according to a National Park Service document and emails obtained by The Washington Post.
Trump’s 250-foot-tall proposed arch would be built in Memorial Circle, a traffic roundabout tucked inside Washington’s boundaries near Arlington National Cemetery. Historic preservationists, veterans groups and others have called on the administration to shrink the monument’s planned size or build it elsewhere, warning that the towering structure would overshadow the cemetery, interrupt the solemn corridor that was intended between the cemetery and the Lincoln Memorial, and create other disruptions.
National Park Service officials agree that the arch would adversely affect the cemetery, the Lincoln Memorial and several dozen other historic sites.
The NPS proposal says that since the harms cannot be avoided, federal officials would pursue efforts that they contend would mitigate the arch’s impact, such as creating new signs and webpages to explain the project to the public."
https://archive.ph/Mqn3c
“State of the Force” speech
Wait, is this a regular thing or just something Major Yarbles wants to do in front military dudes from central casting?