Republicans Enter 5 Stages Of Durham Flop Grief. Stage 1: LIE. Stages 2 Through 5: LIE MORE.

Consistency is key.

As the Durham investigation bellyflops over the finish line, the reek of copium is strong in the air. Over at the Wall Street Journal , the editorial board is claiming a moral victory over an FBI that “failed to uphold their important mission of strict fidelity to the law.” That's a quote from Special Counsel John Durham, who failed to cite a single violation of the law by the FBI in his entire 316-page report . Nevertheless, the Journal sniffs that Durham's output is "far more comprehensive than anything issued by original special counsel Robert Mueller" in his piddly 635-page production.

Yes, okay, if you're being technical , Mueller indicted, convicted or secured guilty pleas from 34 people and three companies, while Durham only got one guilty plea after the DOJ's inspector general discovered that a line prosecutor had doctored an email. And, okay, Durham's only two indictments led to rapid jury acquittals. But isn't the whole point of criminal prosecutions getting to say mean shit about your political opponents in your filings without actually having to prove it? Bill Barr has assured us that is the case!

Over at the New York Post , they're taking a performative victory lap around the kiddie pool, claiming that Durham's fapfic novella "proves federal law enforcement was weaponized by shielding the Hillary Clinton campaign and persecuting the Donald Trump campaign."

"Despite the damning evidence, most of the media are treating the Durham report as a 'nothingburger,'" huffs opinion writer James Bovard. "FBI racketeering repeatedly rescued Hillary Clinton."

Because it's fun to say stupid shit for money.

In 2019, Attorney General Bill Barr tasked federal prosecutor John Durham with finding proof that the investigation into connections between Trump's 2016 campaign and Russian election interference operations were part of a dastardly Deep State plot. MAGAworld rejoiced, sure that mass arrests were soon to follow. Even as late as 2021, former Director of National Intelligence John Ratcliffe was promising Maria Bartiromo "many indictments" from Durham's investigation.

But it's a tough sell to prove that it was illegal to investigate a campaign where the candidate called for Russia to hack his opponent, his son met with a Kremlin lawyer promising Russian dirt, the campaign manager passed polling data to a Russian spy, a campaign operative bragged that Russia was going to dump damaging info to help the campaign, and then Russia actually did hack his opponent and strategically dumped the data. So after a year of playing hokey pokey with himself, plus six months of flying around Europe trying and failing to get the Italians and the Brits to put one in and shake it all about with him — left or right, Johnboy's not picky! — Durham pivoted to trying to pin it on Hillary Clinton.

 What if she masterminded a plot to get the FBI to investigate Trump? 

She didn't. But what if she had? Wouldn't that be something? Over at Who Funds the Federalist, they're going with the drunk history version and calling it a day.

“"I have a hard time looking at this ^{{Durham report}}^ and coming to any other conclusion than that the FBI has to be defunded, because this wasn’t one or two rogue agents. This happened from the very top." @FDRLST CEO @seanmdav”

— The Federalist (@The Federalist) 1684198755 

In reality, Durham came up empty and had to content himself with pretending that the FBI was super mean to Trump because it opened a full investigation into him and didn't go balls to the wall on a Russian rumor that Clinton was out to get Trump by saying he was colluding with a foreign power. Never mind that James Comey was blabbing every damn day about Hillary's stupid emails. Also, HOW MANY TIMES DID TRUMP TALK ABOUT THAT BULLSHIT URANIUM ONE STORY?

This leaves congressional Republicans in a bit of a pickle. They've been promising their supporters for years that Durham would rain down righteous vengeance on Hillary and the Deep State, and now they have to go home and admit that, after four years controlling the White House and the DOJ, it's not happening.

Nothing for it but to return to first principles!

That's right, they're gonna lie their asses off. 

“I’ve never been a reactive “lock ‘em up” type. But this Durham report is a lock ‘em up moment. We should be looking for statutes that apply to these egregious violations of public trust. If they don’t exist, it’s time we create them so it never happens again.”

— Dan Crenshaw (@Dan Crenshaw) 1684286425 

Golly, if only someone with the power to issue an arrest warrant were on the case! Or if not, maybe the congressman knows someone whose actual job it is to write laws so he can address this very real and pressing issue!

Note that Dan Crenshaw is not looking to create new statutes to stop a sitting president from inciting a coup. But that sounds positively reasonable compared to Tommy Tuberville, the guy who managed to make Jefferson Butterbeans Stars-n-Bars Sessions seems smart by comparison.

“Sen. Tommy Tuberville (R-AL) tries to sell the Durham FBI report about the Trump-Russia investigation as a smoking gun: “If people don’t go to jail for this, the American people should just stand up and say, ‘Listen, enough’s enough. Let’s don’t have elections anymore.’””

— The Recount (@The Recount) 1684260175 

"I can’t even talk about it. You know, it’s so bad," the senator complained to Newsmax's John Bachman. "But if people don’t go to jail for this, American people should just stand up and say, 'Listen, enough’s enough. Let’s don’t have elections anymore.'”

Because if we can't jail our political enemies, then what even is the point of democracy?

And now, having added the Durham complaint to the endless list of grievances the GOP base believes it has suffered, they'll all move on to the next gay Disney character or mixed race cereal mascot. Always be hustling!

Catch Liz Dye on Opening Arguments podcast.

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