RFK Jr. Has Threesome With Snakes, Doesn’t Even Get To Keep A Penis
He always likes to keep a penis.
Huh, well, OK, here is the secretary of Health and Human Services, talking in his usual burps while he attempts to seduce two snakes that are, it would seem, already fucking. Did the snakes invite him to play? Does not appear that way. Is RFK Jr. at an orgy club for snakes? Not one where humans are allowed.
In this video, you see Count Von Batshit pick up two snakes — non-venomous black racers — in a corner at Dr. Mehmet Oz’s house in Palm Beach, Florida, on the patio. You know, because that’s what snakes like. Especially when they are fucking, which is what somebody in the background, Dr. Oz we think, suggests is happening.
When Kennedy tweeted this video, he said that his wife Cheryl Hines was “cheerleading” his penis-wrangling of the snakes. Which must be why she says, “Why? Bobby, no.” As one of them is biting him, because he keeps messing with it and annoying it, she says, “OK, OK. Honey. Honey. Let it go.” Also “Oh my God” and Bobby, please!”
But no. Bobby did not let it go.
Maybe he wanted to keep a penis, for his collection of animal penises. (Snakes have two of them.)
Maybe he wanted to put it next to his raccoon penis.
RFK Jr. likes to keep a penis when he dilly-dallies with nature.
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Because the New York Times likes to write full articles with headlines that can be seemingly answered by watching the video above for one second, we may now peruse Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Keeps Picking Up Snakes. Is He Doing It Right?
Yes, what a burning question. Is RFK Jr. good at snakes? Well, he’s not Rob Rausch, if that’s what you’re asking. (He’s not Rob Rausch in more ways than one.)
The experts the Times spoke to agreed that the snakes in the video were currently fucking. The article notes how RFK Jr. grabbed the snakes near their tails, which a perfunctory awareness of snake shapes would suggest makes it real dang easy for the snakes to bite the shit out of you, which, as we noted, happens in the video. The article notes that RFK Jr. does this while wearing socks. (He wasn’t wearing jeans, though, because he wasn’t at the gym.)
One expert they spoke to, a man named Bruce Ireland, gave RFK Jr. a 9.6 out of 10:
“If it were me, I would bend at the knees a little more, try to get a little lower to the ground,” said Mr. Ireland, who gave Mr. Kennedy a 9.6 out of 10.
“He got them both, and he did it in a way that the snakes appear not to be injured,” he said. “Really, the only way to do it is go in like a bowl of spaghetti and just hope you get them both up.”
Just hope for the best!
Another, a herpetology professor named Sara Ruane, said, “I commend anybody who handles or catches a snake that does not include bashing it on the head with a shovel.” But she doesn’t give him quite a 9.6, because of how he just grabbed their tails, instead of supporting their sweet little currently fucking bodies:
“I don’t know that I’d say it’s the best snake wrangling I have ever seen, but it is far from the worst,” she said.
Another thought from Mr. Ireland:
“The impressive thing was his shirt stayed tucked in. If that was me, man, I’d be plumber-cracking all over the place.”
That is not a snake-handling technique comment!
Also, New York Times, are we supposed to pick up snakes that are busy trying to make love? Just asking.
The BBC includes a quote from the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, about whether you should pick up two snakes, fucking or not fucking, whether or not you want to keep a penis:
“Give snakes a wide berth and admire them from a distance,” the agency said in a Facebook post.
“Resist the urge to pick it up - even our nonvenomous snakes can give a solid bite,” it added.
Especially if you try to keep a penis. Snakes don’t like that. Even though they have two. The second one is not a spare, Jesus Christ.
This has been a post about science and nature.
Here is Rob Rausch if you don’t know who he is (he just won the latest season of The Traitors, he is precious, and he plays with snakes):
[BBC]
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That boy ain’t right in the head. Leave animals alone, for fucks sake. Literally.
So in 2026:
The white house is half knocked down
There’s a live fight happening on the front lawn
Gunshots are everywhere
Half the workforce is drunk
The crazy uncle is out back grabbing snakes looking for a penis to collect.
Congrats America on becoming Alabama