Steve Rogers Is Super Mad at Canada Right Now

No, not Captain America, sorry.

Donald J. Trump has a lot of strange fixations — sharks, windmills, Kristen Stewart's love life, ad nauseam — but one of the most incongruous is his long history of encouraging comparisons to Superman. The Man of Steel and the man of STOLLEN obviously don't share much in common, with one standing for “truth, justice and the American way” and the other generally wiping his ass with that sort of thing. Presumably he prefers Supes to Marvel's star-spangled counterpart Steve Rogers simply because the Last Son of Krypton is a heck of a lot stronger than the First Avenger.

It would’ve been funnier if his favorite superhero was Hawkeye since he is apparently the best one at golf.

But, as the Crash Test Dummies point out, Superman never made any money for saving the world from Solomon Grundy (or anyone else for that matter), and what sort of sucker would do it for free anyway? Clark Kent even works as a lowly reporter for fake news outlet the Daily Planet instead of doing the obvious thing of forcing humankind to worship him as a god. Kal-El is also literally an illegal alien who snuck into the US although he is white so it's probably ok. Like it is with Melania!

While it's no doubt super important to him that Dean Cain, top contender for Worst Superman Ever, swapped his red boots and cape for a red MAGA hat, it must get under Trump's wafer-thin skin that one of his bigliest critics is Hollywood A-lister Chris Evans, who of course is best known for portraying Rogers, aka Captain America, the living embodiment of American exceptionalism. And also its exceptional ass.

Trump likes ALL-CAPS, not all Caps, and it's easy to imagine his reaction if he ever finds out the new one is not only Black but doesn't even have special powers. It might be some small consolation to at least have a different Steve Rogers with a military rank aboard the Trump train.

Old white guys named Steve Rogers DO kind of all look alike

Lt. Steven Rogers is a former naval officer, failed New Jersey gubernatorial candidate, and Trump campaign advisor who now runs something called Campaign4America, a right-wing think tank grift farm that's very upset about Canada's role in not helping to make America great again and would like you to please send them money.

To wit:

Many Americans are seeing Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and his supporters in Parliament embracing what we believe to be policies similar to those enacted by the Chinese Communist Party.

Campaign4America supports the Truman & Reagan Doctrines that were enacted to fight communism and support freedom and liberty on a global scale. Hence, it is our duty and obligation to support U.S. policy against the spread of communism, here in the United States and in other nations.

Regarding Canada, we see the Trudeau government slowly sliding down a slippery slope toward authoritarian rule and enacting polices that should be of great concern to our government. And it is important to note that numerous members of the European Parliament have publicly shared this concern.

As Americans, we have a duty and obligation to our nation to “Say Something” when we “See Something.” And what we see happening in Canada is very troubling and requires us to “Say Something.”

Clearly Lt. Rogers could learn a thing or two from Mr. Rogers about how to be a good neighbor. Apart from the absurdity of a Trump fanboy claiming to be worried about the slippery slope to authoritarianism, it's worth pointing out Trudeau actually got a standing ovation after addressing the European Parliament about growing threats to global democracy, and the concerns in question were expressed by a small handful of anti-vaxxers upset by Canada's response to the pandemic and Trucker Convoy. Two of them were from members of Alternative für Deutschland, a German far-right party with ties to actual Nazis. You know, the people Cap enjoys punching in the comics.

Exhibit A (Timely/Marvel)

Lt. Rogers also appears regularly as a guest on OAN — and if the common term for these jerkoffs isn't already “oanists” then I can’t even anymore — and last month sent a letter to the governors of all 13 states bordering Canada asking them to support a resolution by congressional shitheels Mike Kelly (R-PA) and Ryan Zinke (R-MT) demanding Joe Biden and Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas do more to crack down on the northern border. Maybe build a giant moat full of alligators although they probably wouldn't survive the cold.

Border officials say 85 percent of encounters with people on the suspected terrorist watch list — roughly 430 people — at last count happened at northern border crossings compared to only 15 percent via Mexico, up from 34 percent in 2021. This is admittedly an alarming statistic although drawing attention to it runs the risk of ruining the Right's favorite narrative that the southern border poses the current greatest threat to America. It's entirely possible some bad actors (probably not Dean Cain though) have figured out the world's longest undefended border is the easiest way to slip in undetected, but it's also possible a large number of people have been put on the watch list for stupid reasons. Who even knows what might get you red-flagged nowadays? It could be for having a morning-after pill in your possession, carrying a copy of the Quran, following Taylor Swift on Instagram or being caught wearing a Black Lives Matter shirt. The possibilities are endless.

Fun fact: The US Border Patrol was first established to tackle illegal immigration in 1924, which as it happens was around the same time a young Jewish boy named Joe Shuster moved from Toronto to Cleveland with his family. We'll never know if all their paperwork was in order but one thing is certain: America never would’ve gotten Superman if he hadn't.