STUFF HIM IN A COUCH, COACH WALZ! Your VP Debate Liveblog!
Time for Tim Walz to make El Butthair Vance run laps IN HELL.
Good evening! You ready for this?
Get your snacks, read the preview, get your liquor, say a prayer, and get ready to play your VP debate drinking game.
THE RULES:
Drink every time Tim Walz is from Minnesota.
Drink every time JD Vance’s approval rating goes down another full point because he’s such a creep and everybody hates him.
Call the cops every time JD Vance is a creepy pervert. Tell them, “there’s a stranger on my TV.”
JUST KIDDING, no cop-calling, you heathens.
If you say we told you to call the cops, you’re on your own.
Drink every time either candidate on the stage makes sweet love to some living room furniture, with their donglus.
Hooray, you’re drunk!
OK let’s do this. Starts at 9 p.m. ET. Liveblog starts sometime around then. OR DOES IT?
9:00: Well here we go. We are watching the CBS News debate on MSNBC, because that’s we like to watch things, because we are one of those people.
First question is from Margaret Brennan, and it is ehhhhhh, what about that Middle East? Can Israel shoot shit at Iran? Tim Walz gets the first question, he’s a little jumpy to start out but let’s let him get his legs. He’s noting that pretty much every national security person who has ever worked with Donald Trump — INCLUDING JD Vance — has said Trump unfit for leadership.
JD Vance is just staring at him, with those perv Nazi eyes.
9:06: JD Vance answers the question by saying hi, I’m the Hillbilly and this is my Elegy. I am likable! I am not gross! Look at my penis! Any couch fuzz on there? NO.
Says Trump was an effective deterrent to the world. (You know, because Trump licked dictators’ balls and gave them whatever they wanted.)
9:10: Oh hey, JD Vance, Donald Trump pulled out of the Iran nuclear deal, is this his fault, and which of your personalities would like to answer?
JD Vance says President Vice President Kamala Harris should have fixed Iran when she was president of vice president.
9:11: Now Hurricane Helene. Kind of shows us that climate change exists, and like literally most people agree!
JD Vance says he saw a sad picture today and he’s from Appalachia.
Says he and Trump support clean air and clean water, but LOL WHATEVER, climate change PSHAW!
Tim Walz notes that Donald Trump thinks climate change is a hoax and simultaneously thinks climate change will create “beachfront property.” Walz says it’s not a false choice to fight climate change and create jobs and become an energy superpower for the future.
9:16: Vance lying and pretending that Trump hasn’t said climate change is a hoax. This would be a neat time to do some factchecking, but NAH.
Here’s some info on the truth about American manufacturing and so forth.
9:17: Walz getting his stride talkin’ about farmers and shit.
9:19: Time for immigration! JD Vance gets to go real Nazi now. He says we have a border crisis because Kamala Harris made one.
Build wall! Do deports!
He’s trying to do the buttoned up, non THEY’RE EATING YOUR PETS version of this, pretending he and Trump aren’t monsters. Says if we would just go back to Trump’s policies, everything would be better.
Tim Walz says it’s not true that Kamala Harris using children as drug mules.
Notes that there was a huge bill on the table created by JD’s colleague James Lankford and endorsed by the Border Patrol and so forth. JD Vance’s running mate killed it because he needed immigration for one of his Nazi campaign issues.
9:24: JD Vance is indeed a good debater.
Next question: hey, what about how all these people actually support mass deportations?
Walz pivots to Springfield because it’s bullshit that anybody is talking about this without mentioning the Nazi blood libel campaign Vance has been leading against immigrants.
Walz says he believes Vance wants to solve immigration — LOL — but when he’s hanging around with the wrong crowd i.e. Donald Trump it ain’t gonna get solved!
9:27: JD Vance and Tim Walz agree that each other wants to solve the border, but their stinky running mates don’t. :(
BOOM, Tim Walz dropped the first Bible verse, AUTOMATIC WIN.
Now JD Vance is mad because Margaret Brennan factchecked and said the migrants in Springfield were legal, and JD was like GRRRRRRRR NO IT DOESN’T COUNT BECAUSE I DON’T LIKE THE WAY THEY GOT LEGAL, KAMALA KAMALA KAMALA and Margaret Brennan audibly rolled her eyes and cut their mics.
Anyway, economics question!
9:31: Walz currently talking about how Trump’s tariff boner is stupid, tax the wealthy, etc.
JD Vance says some of Kamala’s economic plans sound pretty good! BUTTTT since she was the vice president, which as we all know is the most powerful position in the universe, she already did all her plans, and now the border is open and the houses are too expensive and FROWNY.
Says Trump’s plans are great, because remember how great things were when he was … ?
Says stinky economists have PhDs but NOT COMMON SENSE.
9:35: TIM WALZ PRO TIP: If you need heart surgery, go to the Mayo Clinic, not to Donald Trump. Go to the experts! Says Kamala Harris’s first day in office she had to clean up after Trump’s COVID failures.
JD Vance says ewwwwwwww experts, only Donald Trump had the courage to listen to people who aren’t experts.
JD Vance says he loves his children and he hopes they’re in bed, but … something about pharmaceuticals in our bodies from people who hate us? OK dude.
9:38: MARGARET BRENNAN: Tim Walz said he went to Tiananmen Square, but DID HE?
TIM WALZ: Minnesota knows when I went to China! Sometimes I’m a knucklehead! But I’m an electable knucklehead!
This conversation is stupid.
9:40: Tim Walz says it’s good to travel and understand the world, maybe Donald Trump should have come to China with him and learned something about it.
Now JD Vance! You think Donald Trump is America’s Hitler, or you used to, or nobody really knows! Maybe you just think it’s a compliment now!
Also you have said that you thought he was a failed president on economics. Now you will say something different.
You have two solid minutes to lie.
9:44: OK, abortion!
Tim Walz, do you love to do abortions in the ninth month? Walz redirects to how it was Donald Trump who overturned Roe, with his tiny hands and his illegitimate judges.
9:46: Project 2025. National pregnancy database. All the scary shit these Republican Christian fascists actually want to do.
Now JD Vance is going to lie and pretend he’s some kind of moderate.
9:47: JD Vance knows a lady who had an abortion. I love ya, lady at home who had an abortion!
Americans just don’t trust Republicans on abortion! He wants us to be “pro-family,” i.e. to have babies and buy houses for their babies! You know, the ones everybody is forced to have.
Tim Walz is responding to the gross notion that the right to control your own body should be based on whether you live in a good state or a fascist state. Says if Amber Thurman from Georgia had lived in Minnesota, she might be alive today.
Now JD Vance is pretending he doesn’t support a national abortion ban.
9:51: JD Vance will earn women’s trust back so he and Donald Trump can do to them as they will.
That’s what he’s saying.
9:52: JD Vance is just lying about what Minnesota’s abortion law says. Says he wishes Amber Thurman was still alive because he “wish[es] a lot of people were still alive.”
Tim Walz recentering it — it’s about women being able to make their decisions, with their doctors, everybody else mind your own fucking business. Says when kids are born in Minnesota, they get healthcare, they get food. JD Vance just insists that Tim Walz legalized letting babies be born in Minnesota and then just killing them.
Ugh, this debate is tedious.
9:59: And we’re back! JD Vance is against all reasonable gun laws, is it OK to hold parents accountable for their kids having guns or nah? JD Vance the very reasonable man says it depends. JD Vance the loving father has children, and he is not a creepy father. JD Vance says his heart goes out to people who have to deal with “all this stuff.” (He means dead children.)
Now he says ILLEGAL GUNS RUN BY MEXICAN DRUG CARTEL BECAUSE KAMALA.
And increase security in schools. Common sense. Bipartisan.
Tim Walz’s turn, and he’s talking about good common-sense gun solutions.
These two men are having a contest over who can say that they believe the other guy feels the same way they do about one issue or another. Vance shook his head and agreed it was awful when Walz said his son had witnessed a shooting at a community center.
“I believe the senator is sincere …”
“I appreciate what Tim said … “
Some of the punditry that’s going to come out of this is that people wish all the debates were like this, and that, kids, is a win for JD Vance.
10:05: Why did Tim Walz change his mind on an assault weapons ban? Uh, because he sat with Sandy Hook parents.
Walz doesn’t want to stigmatize mental health (Vance brought up mental health), and Vance nodded his head in agreement.
This is weird.
10:07: Why are you giving free money to people for down payments for houses? Walz says one big problem is that people view housing as a commodity, not as a basic need. Talking about the GI Bill and VA loans where you can buy no-money-down, and how successful as that is for getting people into stable housing.
We’re sure JD Vance will appreciate many things Walz said, and then say something with subtle Nazi undertones, but in a reasonable voice.
10:09: JD Vance says don’t blame immigrants for high housing prices, blame KAMALA HARRIS for making immigrants jack up the housing prices.
10:10: JD Vance says houses are expensive because of illegal immigration and not enough drill-baby-drilling.
10:11: Tim Walz wants to know if we are going to drill-baby-drill on the same federal lands as we’re building new houses. Also notes that federal lands are there for a reason, are protected for a reason.
Walz wants to Vance to tell him which economists are saying houses are expensive because of immigrants?
Vance says there’s a Federal Reserve study, but he admits that some of why houses are expensive is Kamala Harris.
10:14: Walz also wants to know what regulations JD Vance wants to get rid of that would make housing more affordable. The ones about fire safety? What?
Anyway, it’s healthcare time.
“Concepts of a plan!”
10:15: JD Vance says of course he has concepts of protecting people with pre-existing conditions. Says everybody makes fun of Trump’s “concepts of a plan” comment at the last debate, but Trump only said that because it would have been boring to introduce a health plan during a debate, like snooooooooze.
Now JD is talking about how Trump worked in a bipartisan way to save Obamacare LOL, fuck.
10:17: Tim Walz is like hahahaha no, I was actually there when Obamacare was created, and JD Vance, YOU ARE NO OBAMACARE.
10:18: Now Walz is on fire talking about this, says if Trump was one of his 4th graders and said he had “concepts of a plan,” he wouldn’t have gotten away with it. Is currently tearing apart the Trump/Vance plan to let insurance companies pick and choose who they cover.
Oh also he reminded everybody that Trump was trying to repeal (and not replace) Obamacare, which only was saved because of the courage of John McCain.
10:20: JD tried to get a zinger by accusing Walz of loving the individual mandate. (Which was a good law.) Walz notes that um, you idiot, that’s how insurance risk pools work.
And we’re moving on!
Childcare.
10:23: Walz preaching on how pro-business paid family medical leave is. We bet JD Vance is going to say he mostly agrees and forget all about how he thinks women should just stay home and birth babies and take care of family members.
He’s talking about his wife now.
Something something options for family care, something something. Tim Walz nodding his head along, agreeing again, because these guys are agreeable guys!
Loooord.
10:29: This debate is the sanewashing of JD Vance and everybody is participating.
OH FINALLY, we are going to talk about democracy and fhow Donald Trump mounted a coup to try to overthrow the government and overturn the results of the 2020 election.
JD Vance has said he would NOT have certified the 2020 election, and would have let the coup proceed. Would he support a coup this year?
JD Vance says we need to solve Kamala-flation and Kamala-housing prices. “I want to answer your question, because you did ask it.”
Vance is just flat-out lying and saying the only things he and Trump have ever said is that people should peacefully debate their differences. Says the real threat to democracy is … lol … wait for it …
CENSORSHIP.
It’s people stopping being friends with people because they’re MAGA fascists. It’s tech companies doing censorship.
He says he’s really proud to have the support of normal mainstream Democrats like RFK Jr. and Tulsi Gabbard LOL good Lord.
“Kamala Harris is engaged in censorship on an industrial scale.”
This is fucking insane. This is the JD Vance we all know.
10:33: Tim Walz says uh no, glad we’ve been so nice to each other today, but Donald Trump did try to overthrow the government and overturn an election, and his people did attack the Capitol. Says to deny what happened on January 6 is unacceptable.
“When this is over, we need to shake hands and the winner is the winner.”
JD Vance gets to respond, so he can lie. Says Trump totally peacefully gave up power, on January 20! You know, after the coup attempts had been exhausted!
JD Vance says Democrats are the real election deniers because they said 2016 was stolen because Russians bought “500,000 dollars of Facebook ads.”
That is not what happened in 2016.
Tim Walz tries to get JD Vance to acknowledge that Trump lost the 2020 election. He won’t do it. Walz says Vance’s response is a “damning non-answer.” (He said some weird bizarre shit about Kamala censoring COVID misinformation, which did not actually happen.)
Glad this debate is ending with Tim Walz saying a bunch of times that Trump lost in 2020, and making JD Vance sit through that.
10:38: Walz says America has a choice this election between who’s going to honor democracy and who’s going to honor Donald Trump.
We’re at commercial, so let us quickly say TIP YOUR BARTENDERS, as liveblogs are extremely expensive and if you want them to still exist, please become a paying subscriber.
One more segment!
10:44: Closing statements! This’ll be canned stuff. Walz says Trump’s first inaugural address was about “American carnage,” and then she showed us that for four years. Says JD Vance has made clear that he’ll stand with Trump.
“Kamala Harris is bringing us a new way forward.” Is bringing back joy. Etc.
Vance says nobody talked about energy (yes they did) and he wants people to be able to turn on their heat, because of Kamala Harris. He wants people to be able to eat food, and they can’t, because of Kamala Harris. He wants to know why Kamala Harris hasn’t used her time as the vice president of the world to fix all the things. Etc.
JD Vance closes by saying he’s rooting for everybody whether they vote for him or Tim Walz. Because he’s such a normal good guy!
OK, good debate, everybody! Let’s memoryhole this forever.
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I've already muted it. Vance is creepy to even just listen to.
Making a martini when I get home, and prepping a truly crazy martini for Friday.