THAT’S INTERIM US ATTORNEY [HIC!] BOXWINE TO YOU, MISTER!
Jeanine Pirro, go home. No, just go home.
CORRECTION! Ed Martin did not invade the Capitol on January 6, that anybody has any evidence of. He only just helped organize the rally that led the pigs to invade the Capitol on January 6. Our bad, and carry on!
Stellar news, everyone!
Donald Trump, in a sign of the absolute disdain in which he holds his job, this country, the institutions of the government, and the criminal justice system, has done the absolute funniest thing ever: He appointed a well-drunked Fox News host to be the interim US attorney in DC.
We know what you’re thinking: But Pete Hegseth is already busy at the Pentagon! How can we expect him to double-fist jobs like this?
But no, silly, we mean the other well-drunked Fox News host!
Yes, Trump literally is sticking Judge Boxwine AKA Judge Jeanine Pirro over there. YES.
Everybody put on your Gallagher plastic wrap, the judge is about to slosh out her ruling! Surprise, it’s Merlot!
This is of course happening because the Senate wouldn’t confirm batshit Ed Martin and his stupid white guy MAGA face as the US attorney for DC, which demonstrated that Donald Trump’s threats have become hollow in Washington, and his dictator dick shriveled up and puny. He couldn’t even muster up the spirit to send the flying monkeys after Thom Tillis when he announced he wouldn’t support Martin!
We’re sure Tillis will act responsibly and treat the Judge Boxwine appointment with the same disgust as …
Oh for fucks sake.
But doesn’t it bother Tillis — who is so mad at Ed Martin because he was one of the pigs who invaded the Capitol on January 6 organized the rally before the invasion of the Capitol (updated, our bad!) — that Judge Boxwine is an election denier who thinks the January 6-ers were like “soldiers in the Revolutionary War”?
Guess not. We guess Tillis has used up his one allotment of Republican courage for the year and is back to being a coward.
Pirro’s appointment is as the interim US attorney for DC, so she gets to serve 120 whole days. So if you were praying for the funniest confirmation hearing ever, we are sorry. What happens after that? Fuck if we know.
One of our favorite things about Judge Boxwine is her way with numbers, like when she said 59 percent of Black people in South Carolina were Republicans, or that there were 63 million abortions per year before Roe was overturned. (Too many!)
We also thought it was a hoot that time Pirro demanded Joe Biden issue a travel alert FOR THE WHOLE WORLD, to keep EVERYBODY from coming here. “None of you are coming here anymore! We’re done with everybody!”
Such a Crabby Appleton, get off her lawn! And while you’re at it, go buy Mama another box of Franzia!
Last night on the Stephanie Ruhle show on MSNBC, former US attorney Joyce White Vance explained of Boxwine that “on paper she does have some qualifications,” and that was the last vaguely nice thing Joyce Vance said about Judge Jeanine.
For all the reasons Judge Boxwine at the US attorney’s office in DC is an absolute joke, Matthew Gertz from Media Matters put together a nice thread:
But we are choosing here to look at the bright side of why Judge Jeanine could be the funniest and best appointment ever.
Here are some PROS:
She has indeed held a job once or twice, Joyce White Vance, even in this same field! It’s right there in her name, JUDGE Boxwine. Order in the [hic!] court!
She won’t even probably pretend to make dumb promises like “I will never have a sip of alcohol again” like Secretary Shitfaced did, like LOL Homey do not PLAY THAT.
She already has an SNL character! Has a US attorney for DC ever been famous enough to have an SNL character? We bet not. Central casting!
Anyway, turn out the lights at Fox News on your way out and fix you a truckful of road drank, Judge Jeanine! You’re going to Washington!
As for Ed Martin, Trump gave him a soft place to land too. Trump’s most excitable dicklicker at the DC US attorney’s office gets to go and vie for the spot of biggest Trump dicklicker at the Justice Department, to which we say good luck, bud! Look at all the jobs he gets to do there:
A guy who literally pals around with J6-ers gets to be the director of the “weaponization working group” and the “pardon attorney.” Cool.
Making a mockery of and taking a giant piss-n-shit all over everything that ever made America decent and good is the point, folks.
The Trump regime makes so much more sense when you accept that.
Can’t wait for Judge Boxwine to have SO MUCH FUN in her new [slosh! hic!] job.
Evan has a side project called The Moral High Ground, you should check it out and subscribe there too!
Follow Evan Hurst on BlueSky!
Follow Evan on Facebook.
I think at this point, the only RWNJ TV personality that *doesn't* have a maladministration position is Rosanne Barr. Kevin Sorbo and Scott Baio don't count because they just don't.
Like seriously, this guy is so intellectually lazy, that if he hasn't seen them on the boob tube he can't be bothered to learn about them.
So glad we got rid of DEI and went back to the merit based system where the only qualification is Drunk Fox News host who kisses Trump’s ass.