Trump Announces Concepts Of A Trade Deal With OH HEY LOOK, NEW POPE!

Summarizing the news of the past several hours.

Evan Hurst

May 08, 2025

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Suddenly it is a big day of news that all happened at once!

And somehow it’s not all bad news?

There is a new pope. Donald Trump has pulled the nomination of controversial dickwit loser Ed Martin to be US attorney for DC. You know, the guy with the Nazi friend! And the 150 appearances on Russian media! And the sloppy boner for Elon Musk and the threats to prosecute anybody who hurts Elon’s or Trump’s feelings!

Also, Trump announced a trade deal with the UK that isn’t shit, news that has been totally overshadowed by the other things, mainly the pope thing.

Let’s go in whatever order we want:

Yesterday, Republican Senator Thom Tillis said he wasn’t voting for Martin, which meant the nomination wouldn’t make it out of the Senate Judiciary Committee, and Majority Leader John Thune was like “Well I guess that’s the way the J6 sympathizer crumbles!” (Paraphrase.)

When Trump was asked about it, he said oh well, he likes Ed Martin but he guesses senators will have to vote with their hearts and their brains, which meant basically Ed Martin was fucked, and also that Trump is now a completely lame duck loser. Grow a spine, man! Where’s that fighting spirit that terrified Joni Ernst and Tillis into voting for Secretary Shitfaced?

It’s sad when your trifling tinpot dictator comes down with a case of the “I Can’ts.”

Trump announced that Ed Martin was getting the shaft this morning, saying he had somebody else who was gonna be JUST GREAT, so Marco Rubio, enjoy being the new US attorney in Washington DC, along with all your other jobs!

Marco Rubio Has All The Jobs, And Also None Of The Jobs

Evan Hurst

May 2

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Anyway, right about the same time that was announced, white smoke blew out of the Sistine Chapel, revealing that Ed Martin had been chosen as the new pope. Wait! No. That’s not it. Ed Martin is still a loser and some other guy is the pope.

But how do you know it’s a GUY, Wonkette?

Wellllllll … we just have this inkling.

So that’s that. The pope reveal party is kind of like a gender reveal party, except with popes. They pick out their pope name — may we suggest Carl? There should be a Pope Carl — they put on a poping outfit, and they go out onto the Loggia of the Blessings and show themselves to everybody.

Lots of people had been hoping the new pope would be a guy called Cardinal Pizzaballa, for obvious reasons, but nah. Maybe Pope Pizzaballa will be next time.

This new pope is …

AN AMERICAN-BORN POPE! Cardinal Robert Francis Prevost! He will be Pope Leo XIV. Most of his life and career have been spent in Peru, but he is from Chicago. Definitely known as a moderate.

MSNBC reports that the last Pope Leo, the 13th, is considered the father of Catholic social justice. MAGA is gonna hate him. TV is saying he’s a lot like Francis in some ways, but not all the ways? It doesn’t sound like he’s quite as gay-friendly as Francis, but maybe not terrible?

So that’s that!

Watch shit if you wanna watch shit:

Oh, and last AND DEFINITELY LEAST Donald Trump has been babbling all this morning and last night about how there was a YOOOGE trade deal coming, he was going to announce it, a big beautiful trade deal that might even score your daughter a third doll under the Christmas tree this year?

Anybody who knows anything about anything knew there would be no actual trade deal announced, as such things take a long time to negotiate, they often have to be approved by governments and parliaments and so forth, it’s not like “TA-DA!”

And it wasn’t. The country? The United Kingdom. The new trade deal? Nothing, despite how Trump is lying on Truth Social and saying it’s a deal. He admitted in the Oval Office that the details aren’t worked out yet. The prime minister of the UK? On speakerphone, because bitch please, Keir Starmer is not getting on an airplane for this.

The agreement with the United Kingdom is a full and comprehensive one that will cement the relationship between the United States and the United Kingdom for many years to come. Because of our long time history and allegiance together, it is a great honor to have the United Kingdom as our FIRST announcement. Many other deals, which are in serious stages of negotiation, to follow!

Neat! We’re going to “cement the relationship between the United States and the United Kingdom for many years to come”! Wait, did it need cementing? And didn’t we have a trade deal with … ? Oh fuck off.

Economist Justin Wolfers explained on Twitter:

Wolfers: Trump's "big" trade deal is with the UK: - It's a framework not a deal - They're our 11th largest trading partner - They're only 3% of US trade (97% to go) - They *already* charge average tariffs of only 1% (limited upside) It's a photo op, with little macroeconomic significance

Cool.

At most it could be called a concept of a trade deal, like whatever you write down on your Trapper Keeper during the first meeting about “should we do some trades?” But sure, whatever! The stock market rallied! Whee! Photo ops! Dumbass media like Axios is putting “trade deal” in its headlines, even though literally the first line of Axios’s article says it’s merely a “framework.”

No word on any of the other 89 trade deals that were supposed to happen in the past 90 days. But we bet they’re coming!

All these things happened in the past hour or two. And because of the whole pope thing, literally nobody is talking about Trump’s fake trade deal anymore, so consider your dick stepped on, Mr. President.

Evan has a side project called The Moral High Ground, you should check it out and subscribe there too!

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