Todd Blanche Tongue-Bathes Dear Leader’s Scrote In New Ballroom Filing
Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life, eh Todd?
Did Donald Trump dictate his latest ballroom filing directly into (acting) Attorney General Todd Blanche’s eager bird hole this weekend, maybe after Trump missed Don Jr.’s wedding because he hates him, and after Trump’s latest close call with “something scary happened outside”? (A crazy person shot a gun outside the White House gates. They are dead now. The patient is being dramatic about it, as usual.)
We don’t know if Todd Blanche received the message directly, or if there was tongue involved. But we imagine he wouldn’t mind if there was tongue involved. Hairy 79-year-old Trump tongue, yum, Todd’s favorite. (And he will GET MAD if you notice.)
It’s also possible that Todd has trained ChatGPT to rewrite his otherwise shitty lawless dumbass “never will be viewed as a serious lawyer again” court filings in Donald Trump’s illiterate dementia cadence, which would save Todd a lot of tongue. (Unless that’s his favorite part.)
Point is, after the scary incident of this weekend, which could have been avoided entirely if Trump loved Don Jr. enough to go to his wedding, there is a new filing about BALLROOM, and it is embarrassing like the other filings about BALLROOM Todd appends his name to, and this is very serious business, so please do not laugh.
It begins:
On Saturday night, May 23rd, a shooter once again sought to murder the President, his family, and his staff at the historic White House complex.
OK, we just told you not to laugh, but yet we feel like we already can hear the judge laughing.
Also, are judges impressed when the very first line in a filing is a lie, or at least an extreeeeeeeeeme stretching of the truth? Because if this weekend’s events are what’s considered “trying” to kill Trump and his whole family, then these “tries” are not very serious.
For one thing, what dumbshit thinks Donald Trump’s family is at the White House with him?
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So melodramatic, so flowery, so ridiculous:
We submit this urgent filing to update the Court on a second attempted assassination on the President within a single month. Last night, shortly after 6:00 p.m., an armed assassin approached a White House security checkpoint near 17th Street and Pennsylvania Avenue, professionally pulled a high caliber gun from a bag, and opened fire in the exact direction of the White House. Brave Secret Service officers returned fire
They professionally pulled the gun out, and aimed in the exact direction of the White House! They could have hit anything, if they had not been professionally immediately killed!
This second attack on the President this month
Wait, what was the other one? Oh, the thing at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, where there was a gunman on a whole different floor and they chose the brilliant strategy of starting to shoot in a room the president wasn’t in? We forgot.
underscores the critical need for top level, state of the art security at the White House, including the Ballroom, a knitted, unified, cohesive part of the East Wing Project, which is vital for National Security, and is being constructed to ensure that the President can perform his constitutional duties in a safe and heavily secured facility
Was Trump performing special ballroom duties at the time of the incident this weekend? Does the ballroom bunker have a special toilet better equipped to handle Trump’s cacophonous Big Mac shits? Is he planning to stay down there all the time?
When completed, this highly knitted, integrated, and unified Project, which is a singular and vital National Security facility, will provide a “SAFE HAVEN” from attackers such as the one last night
Love court filings that include random ALL CAPS like that, and we bet judges do too.
The filing goes on to note that if they had been having an event that night and if there had been a tent, the shooting could have hit the tent, and tents cannot stop bullets, only ballrooms can.
would have been easily in range to reach a tent (in all cases made of plastic or canvas, which has virtually no ability to stop a bullet, unlike the walls of the Facility under construction, which has the highest degree of bullet stoppage
As we said. We really can’t paraphrase this thing to make fun of it, it is self-parodying.
The temporary tented structure is also vulnerable to water and flooding when it rains in that the White House is built on wetland, and the grounds are inordinately wet. Over the years, many an evening has been ruined by even moderate rain.
And then Donald Trump might get his hair wet, in which case he REALLY won’t make it to Junior’s wedding.
The under construction East Wing Project, which is on time and under budget
Todd Blanche said to the judge, who definitely cares.
includes state of the art security features to repel all attacks against the President, his family, his staff, and esteemed visitors. These include a heavy steel, drone proof roof, missile resistant and drone proof columns, bullet, ballistic, and blast proof glass, Military grade venting for air conditioning and heating, and much more.
Cats on the roof with lasers.
Together, the entire Facility, which includes bomb shelters, a state of the art hospital and medical facilities, Top Secret military installations, structures, and equipment, protective partitioning, and other features
If Donald Trump would capitalize “military” and “facility” and “top secret,” TODD BLANCHE will capitalize “military” and “facility” and “top secret.”
This meritless Lawsuit has been a great attack on our Country in that the Military, Secret Service, and Law Enforcement are not happy that all of these Top Secret features have been revealed to potential enemies, criminals, and all others
We are sure the Military, Secret Service and Law Enforcement will find some way to cope.
including the fact that there will be a major drone port and Government sniper facilities on the heavily secured roof of the Ballroom
Oh boy, the Military, Secret Service and Law Enforcement is definitely not going to be happy that Todd Blanche With His Tongue In Donald Trump’s Colon is blabbing EVEN MORE ballroom secrets, like right now!
The Ballroom’s rooftop will serve a crucial strategic function for the security of the entire White House complex and beyond, including a drone port and key location for rooftop snipers who will protect the White House and the entire Washington, D.C. area, as a whole.
The snipers are going to protect the whole metro area? Those are some pretty neat snipers!
Doesn’t the fact that this weekend’s gunman was killed forthwith sort of obviate the need for a laser cat sniper ballroom with an underground state-of-the-art presidential diarrhea throne? Just asking.
Unlike virtually every similar structure in America, the Ballroom’s rooftop will include no air conditioning, venting, or similar facilities—It will be hermetically sealed to prevent malign forces from contaminating the circulating air, thereby threatening the lives of those inside
What fucking spy movie did Trump and Todd watch before they wrote this?
And were the highly professional gunmen this weekend and at the WHCD fixin’ to unleash poison gas?
All of these and other specifications would have been kept secret, as is appropriate, but have been forced to be revealed to stave off the Court’s dangerous injunction.
Before you know it, Todd’s going to have to put the blueprints on TikTok!
Indeed, the longer this frivolous litigation persists, the more our National Security will be jeopardized
“Our national security” = “the United States’s jumpy little easily terrified little pantshitting dictator.”
Once again, the Government reiterates the necessity of drone deterrence, vantage points for rooftop snipers, bullet, ballistic, and blast proof glass, impenetrable steel, missile resistant columns, Military grade venting, and other protections, acting, in addition to everything else, as a protective shield for everything below, which were to remain secret aspects of the security at the White House but now, because of this meritless and dangerous lawsuit, have been divulged to all.
Todd’s going to start drawing Trump’s penis next.
The entire building is hermetically sealed—not just the Ballroom, not just the Oval Office or the West Wing, and not just the Residence, but the entire East Wing Project.
Already said that.
The 18 acres on which the White House sits are a secure area, and without the construction of this great Project, the President cannot safely conduct the business of the United States.
Every other president managed it, but this one’s a real pussy.
The Project is vital for National Security, and is an invaluable gift from President Trump and many patriotic private donors who have given Hundreds of Millions of Dollars to build this Project, and support our Country, for the benefit and protection of all future Presidents, their families, staffs, visitors, and others.
Literally nobody asked for it, and the next Democratic president will tear it down or turn it into the world’s largest wokegender abortion clinic, but sure, whatever. “Invaluable gift.”
In light of the recent attacks against President Trump’s life—including two attempts in less than a month—the injunction entered by this Court for the benefit of a strolling woman …
A strolling woman. It’s all for her.
who filed suit against the East Wing Project long before she knew what was going to be built (This is a woman who is a known serial plaintiff throughout Washington, D.C.), and who has absolutely no standing, must be immediately vacated, and this suit, which is a complete embarrassment to our Country, must be dismissed. This is a terrible, tremendously harmful case to the United States of America, and all it stands for!
Judges love it when filings end with a “!”
This has been a filing from the Justice Department of the United States of America on behalf of the president.
Those things didn’t used to be punchlines, but they are now.
[filing]
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This is the kind of thing 8 years old boys into superheroes and spies cook up. "This is gonna be my base, and it's gonna have computer controlled guns on the roof. And a hangar for a super stealth jet fighter, and robot guards, and tanks too!"
To be fair, LBJ famously complained about lack of ball room when he was President.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nR_myjOr0OU