It is safe to say that no matter how dumb you were this weekend — maybe you got too drunk or spent too much time in the sun without applying and reapplying sunscreen — you didn’t do anything as dumb as start a trade war with Canada. So you’re already way ahead of Donald Trump.
Being Trump, he started this war in the dumbest way possible. First, the US went to Trump’s go-to negotiating move of introducing onerous demands into a delicate negotiation at the last minute. Then when the Canadians were rightfully pissed off enough to walk away from the negotiating table, he slapped new tariffs on about $20 billion worth of Canadian products.
Then on Monday morning, President Brainrot decided to take his trade war with Canada to another level, sort of:
Cool, neat. Monday’s tariffs are on top of the 50 percent tariffs that kicked in on Saturday after negotiations for a trade deal collapsed. We’re sure this latest move will thrill America’s Chamber of Commerce, which had reportedly been begging Trump to not get into a trade war with Canada because it will be so harmful to American businesses and consumers.
A new temper tantrum is, we suppose, the logical next step after three days of the US whining that Canada cratered the latest round of trade negotiations, while Canada stared back, steely-eyed, elbows up, before telling the United States to fuck off.
Speaking of elbows up, one product Trump is slapping a tariff on is hockey equipment. Might this lead to increased equipment costs for NHL teams, which in turn leads to an increase in ticket prices, which in turn leads to a collapse of team economics in the US, which then leads to a weakening of rosters for American teams, thus strengthening Canada’s NHL teams and putting one of them in position to finally bring the Stanley Cup back north of the border for the first time in over 30 years?
That sound you just heard is fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs breathing in new hope.
Anyway, that was the weekend.
What were some of America’s last-minute dumb demands? One was telling Canada to take all its fancy French language and shove it, because in North America we speak Amurican, dangnabbit.
Well, sort of. The province of Quebec has some rules about French language requirements for products sold there, which ensure “French appears on packaging and in documents supplied with products, including instructions, warranties and owner’s manuals.” US companies don’t love this one, because it means added expenses to produce French-language packaging and whatnot separate from the English language labels that can be used everywhere else in Canada.
Granted, we are simple-minded about issues like this. But to us, this is just the cost of doing business in an export market (Quebec) that is worth $21 billion a year to American companies. Add an extra loonie to the cost of your French-language bottles of Prell and cartons of Marlboro Golds and call it a day.
This is an important cultural issue in Canada. It is particularly important in Quebec, where French is the official language. Quebec has a restive separatist movement and about one-quarter of Canada’s total population. Canadians, as Prime Minister Mark Carney said in a speech on Saturday, consider this an issue of sovereignty. So, you know, maybe for the sake of our relationship with Canada and its internal politics, we could just shut up.
But no, the US had to make this last-minute demand, and Carney cited it as one reason he ordered his trade negotiators to return to Ottawa. He gave part of his speech in French, which was a perfectly reasonable thing to do but probably still had American xenophobes flipping their goddamn lids.
Carney was obviously pissed, even as he spoke very calmly. He’s in a good position, as he has spent the last year and a half positioning Canada to make economic common cause with other countries in recognition of the fact that the United States has gone from being a trustworthy partner to sucking donkey balls.
Why Trump wants to go to economic war with a guy who is both an incredibly accomplished international banker AND played college hockey is beyond us. Or would be beyond us, if we didn’t know that Trump is one of the dumbest humans alive.
Besides, Mark Carney can read a calendar. He knows we have elections in 10 weeks and Republicans are already looking at massive losses. Trump, no matter what he thinks, needs Carney way more than Carney needs him.
At the end of the day, the trade war with Canada comes back to Donald Trump being a fucking idiot.
Sure, you can get into the nitty-gritty of this industry’s supply chains or that bridge’s toll collection. You can yell about fentanyl or dairy products or auto manufacturing or who isn’t helping the United States embarrass itself by losing a war it started with Iran.
But all these conflicts ultimately fall under the rubric of Donald Trump being a fucking idiot. He does not understand economics, trade deficits, interdependence, or international relations. He cannot comprehend that other nations have both agency and pride. That all his bullshit about making Canada the 51st state landed like the Hindenburg with America’s longtime ally does not even remotely register in that nest of wet newspaper and dead rats that passes for his brain.
All he knows is that in his mind, America is getting ripped off somehow, in some undefinable way. It’s as if we pulled the dumbest drunk from his stool in the sleaziest, most low-rent dive bar in Queens and installed him in the White House.
OPEN THREAD.
Support Wonkette, which has always loved Canada, buddy.
What is even the point of this dumb fucking Canada thing? Like nobody actually thinks the US is going to invade and make them the 51st state and only the most brainrotted MAGA American thinks it's even a possibility, so what are they trying to accomplish with this? Is it really just as simple as Dementia Donny said a stupid thing once and now the entire party has to go along with it because they can't say "Ignore him, he's senile"??
Funniest social media post I've seen all day: "People are talking about Melania, Natalie and Trump like it's some modern day 'Dangerous Liaisons' when it's more like two insane seagulls fighting over a rotting piece of chicken in the Dollar Store parking lot."
I just need to share this, because I am having a really hard time today.
I suffer from depression. This year has SUCKED really bad. I have had a couple of months-long depressive episodes. I thought I came out of one a couple of weeks ago. I have been feeling REALLY good. Like, happy to be alive, wanting to get out of the house and do things, wanting to actually cook nice dinners for myself, etc.
Then, this morning I woke up and I felt the pit in my stomach that is there when I have a depressive episode. And it has just gotten worse all day long.
The world feels more cruel and less stable than I remember it feeling throughout my life (I am 49 years old). It genuinely feels like we are on the verge of collapse, and I don't know what to do. I am scared about the world my kids will enter when they finish school and launch into adulthood.
I am sitting here ruminating on everything - how I hate my job but can't afford to leave it; how I don't even know what else I'm qualified to do if I could leave my job; how my marriage ended and I feel like a loser and a failure; how I am barely keeping my head above water financially; how I am an accountant, but I am drowning in debt; how I'm scared to be alone for the rest of my life; how I feel like I have nothing to offer either a friend or a romantic partner.
And I called the vet to make an appointment for my dog, and I got an AI agent. It was so off-putting and creepy. Then I remembered I could make an appointment at the vet's website, so I hung up and did that instead.
I'm so frustrated. I felt so good yesterday, and now I'm here. I hate having depression. I'm grateful to have this community where I can write stuff like this, because I know there are people here who will understand.