Trump Has Cunning Plan To Win Inaugural FIFA World Cup UN Peace Prize
Just make the head of FIFA the UN Secretary General. Easy peasy!
You know that feeling of wanting a good thing to go on forever, like how you feel after a big fun event like a joyful family Christmas, a sixth date where you realize something wonderful might be unfolding, or an epic road trip to another city to see a movie that’s nothing but cat videos? That’s apparently the kind of warm glowy feeling Donald Trump has about the recently concluded World Cup, where he injected himself into the final match’s championship ceremony, got booed loudly, and had to be dragged off the stage by FIFA president Gianni Infantino to stop him from photobombing the Spanish team’s victory.
The Guardian’s liveblog of the final match and the celebration featured a now-viral caption of a photo of Trump and Infantino standing off to the side: “Gianni Infantino carefully explains to Donald Trump that he is not part of the Spanish national team.” We don’t want to get in copyright trouble, so we have recreated the moment in this fair use version.
Anyhow, what we are saying is that Donald Trump loved the World Cup so very much, even though he’s completely oblivious to the fact that virtually nobody else who loves the World Cup loved him. Which is the only possible explanation for this weird New York Post EXCLUSIVE scoop claiming that Trump wants to reward Infantino for the wonderful 2026 Trump World Cup in Trump America by making Infantino the next secretary-general of the United Nations.
The Post claims that a “source close to the president” — maybe it was “John Barron!” — told the tabloid about Trump’s plan, revealing that the Great Man thinks Infantino “is respected by everyone around the world, and recognizes he has a special ability to bring people together.”
Sure, sure, everyone thinks that, sir!
Especially all the fútbol fans who were booing Infantino as enthusiastically as they booed Trump, thanks to the FIFA president’s compliance with the US authoritarian leader’s suggestion that FIFA might want to put the kibosh on the one-game suspension of US player Folarin Balogun, so Balogun could play in the match against Belgium. The US lost that match, precluding the possibility that the record books would need a Trump Corruption Stank Asterisk if the US had progressed further in the tournament thanks to Infantino’s little favor to Trump.
The Murdoch Post does at least acknowledge that Infantino is an unlikely candidate to replace current UN Secretary-General António Guterres, who will retire at the end of December. For starters, a candidate for the position would need to win the support of the 15-member UN Security Council, and then a confirmation vote in the General Assembly. There are already six candidates for the job, all of them actual diplomats, although a Trumpian insider supposedly dismissed the field as “lame.” Not a one of them has ever flown on Trump’s jet, for instance.
Picking another European to succeed Guterres, who’s from Portugal, would also mess with the informal “soft geographic rotation” of the secretary-generalship, in which a candidate from Latin America or the Caribbean is supposed to be chosen next. But when has Trump ever given two shits about any other norms?
Also, there’s the minor detail that it’s still “unclear if Infantino wants the job and to what extent Trump has discussed the topic with him.” And the other minor detail that if Infantino were to somehow become the UN head, he’d lose his $6 million annual salary and have to get by somehow on a slightly more humble $418,000. As far as anyone can tell, Infantino just wants another term as head of FIFA.
Still, the Post found at least one person who’s super-enthusiastic about the idea, if it’s really an idea at all. That would be “Paolo Zampolli, the Italian-American businessman and diplomat serving as Trump’s special envoy for global partnerships,” who also just happens to be a personal friend of Infantino, too.
Zampolli gushed about what a great choice his friend would be:
Zampolli said Infantino “would do a great job” and is “liked by everybody” — describing him as potentially bringing fresh energy to the massive bureaucracy and using sports to build new bridges and inspire the world’s young and poor populations.
“There is some similarity” between the roles of FIFA president and UN secretary-general, said Zampolli […]
“At the United Nations, you have to deal with 193 member states. In FIFA, there are over 200 members [and] Gianni’s great record shows he knows how to manage.”
Why no, this does not at all sound like someone desperately trying to fluff up their two years working at McDonald’s into a résumé line claiming they were a “rising management candidate at a Fortune 500 Company.”
Also, for laughs, the Post piece reminds us that Trump is no fan of the UN at all, and that he’s tried to set up his own club for world leaders, the “Board of Peace,” which appears to exist only to funnel money from corrupt national leaders to the corrupt leader of the USA. Fun times! We are really impressed by all the peace breaking out all over the world thanks to that august body.
As Euro News points out, the six current secretary-general candidates are all serious people who have never laved Donald Trump’s taint with their tongues, so their years of experience in governing and international diplomacy may give them some advantage.
One of the best-known candidates is Michelle Bachelet, the left-wing former Chilean president and ex-UN High Commissioner for Human Rights. She is a distinguished politician with decades of diplomatic experience, but could nonetheless prove divisive thanks to her outspoken criticism of authoritarian governments.
Chile's conservative new government, led by José Antonio Kast, withdrew its support for her, but Bachelet remains in the race, as her candidacy is still backed by the like-minded leaders of Mexico and Brazil.
Also among the more famous candidates is the current director general of the International Atomic Energy Agency, Mariano Grossi, nominated by his home country Argentina, mainly thanks to his diplomatic role in the talks to ensure the safety of the Zaporizhzhia Nuclear Power Plant amid the war in Ukraine.
The other four candidates include other diplomats and government officials from around the world, but none of them has ever hosted a reality TV show, so their qualifications are largely unknown.
We don’t really think this story is likely to go anywhere, since UN procedures seem fairly well-insulated from the injection of Trump-style celebrity campaigning. Trump might nonetheless get a hair up his ass and decide to start shouting about it at every opportunity, threatening to deport any UN delegates who don’t support his guy.
Plus, there’s some potential amusement to be had if Infantino took the job seriously and tried to use his friendship with Trump as a means of talking seriously about climate policy or reducing international tensions. Trump might then whine about what a weasel Infantino is for betraying him.
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Infantino is my pick to be head of Krogers' produce division. The man knows his red chard.
"One of the best-known candidates is Michelle Bachelet, the left-wing former Chilean president and ex-UN High Commissioner for Human Rights. She is a distinguished politician with decades of diplomatic experience, but could nonetheless prove divisive thanks to her outspoken criticism of authoritarian governments."
Sure, Jan, people who criticize authoritarian governments are the divisive ones, and not the authoritarians themselves.