Trump Just Up Here Talking About Arnold Palmer's Nine-Iron, We Mean His Dick.
Is this guy even going to make it for 16 more days?
Rolling Rock is now brewed in New Jersey, but the former president’s brain was fermented in Latrobe, Pennsylvania, this weekend, hoo boy! He desperately needs to flip the state to win, so he made his strongest pitch: two hours of rambling and cursing in a plexiglas chamber, and a 12-minute monologue rhapsodizing about the career of golfer Arnold Palmer, who died in 2016. Complete with an assessment of the size of the man’s baloney pony, which Trump claimed golf pros saw when they took group showers together. That’ll charm the swing voters!
Who ever suspected that the PGA Tour of Trump’s imagination was so homoerotically steamy?
“Arnold Palmer was all man. He was all man. And I say that with all due respect to women, and I looove women,” he said in that icky, horny growl he uses sometimes. “But this guy, this guy, this is a guy that was all man, this man was strong and tough, and I refuse to say it, but when he took showers with other pros, and they came out of there, they said ‘oh my God, that’s unbelievable.’ I had to say it. I had to say it. We have women that are highly sophisticated here. But they used to look at Arnold, they’re so bad.”
Here’s Trump’s whole speech, if you really want to watch it (seriously, though, you really don’t).
He also claimed he out-drove Palmer, one of the top five golfers of all time.
“I felt so good because I was hitting it a little bit longer than Arnold, but he was, by this time, 75, 76, and I’d hit it four, five yards past him.”
I assume golf was what he was referring to, anyway.
Trump also claimed he chitchatted with “Bibi” Netenyahu. “Bibi called me today, and he said ‘it’s incredible what’s happened,’ and I said ‘it’s incredible,’ but he wouldn’t listen to Biden, because if he did, he wouldn’t be in this position.” Holy Logan Act violation! Well, throw it on the pile.
He rambled that he was surrounded by big guns, and that the guys holding the guns looked like Arnold Palmer. Paging Tom of Finland!
He complained about his hair. “I’m looking at my hair up there, let’s see, oh, I don’t like it, I don’t like it, excuse me, I’m going to re-comb my hair, I’m going to re-comb my hair [...] let’s keep it. Let’s keep it the way it is, we’ll trudge through.”
He lied that Harris kicked people out of her rally “when they started talking about a certain subject” as a “knock on religion.” “If you’re Catholic, you can’t vote. […] That administration has been persecuting Catholics.” (Joe Biden is Catholic.)
He crowed about how he “won that big case in Florida.” “That was the big one!” Yes, it was, and if any one of us had stolen a single one of the documents Trump had squirreled away in his Florida shitter and refused to give them back, we would be in prison for life, thanks for the reminder!
He mocked the pronunciation of Fulton County DA Fani Willis’s name, and called her “Fanny.” (It’s like “Fah-ni.”) He moaned, “‘tariff’ is the most beautiful word in the dictionary. More beautiful than love.”
He said Elon Musk was “the founder of the black hat.” “Look at that black hat. Do you know who the founder of that black hat is? Elon.”
He gave a shout-out to Willie Mays, who died in June.
He called Kamala Harris a “shit vice president.”
“You have to tell Kamala Harris that you’ve had enough, you just can’t take it any more, we can’t stand you, we can’t take it, you’re a shit vice president, the worst, the worst.” There were children in the audience, but I guess curse words and fantasizing about a guy’s donkey dick in the shower are fine as long as no pride flags are involved?
His rambling went on for two entire hours.
How did certain news outlets frame and sanewash this two hours of compete batshittery? Let’s make some Axios bullet points!
Politico: “Trump appears energetic in scattered Pennsylvania speech”
Aren’t they some little Pollyannas, always looking on the bright side! They conceded that yes, he’s rambling, but, “still, the former president — who gains vitality from his rallies — appeared energetic.” It’s true, he was not literally asleep, so there is that?
New York Times: Posted Michael Gold to live updates,
“Donald Trump opened his rally at the Arnold Palmer Airport in Latrobe, Pa., with a 10-minute monologue about the golfer for which the airport is named and who grew up here. In the most pivotal battleground state, with Election Day in just 17 days, the former president spent the entire opening telling Arnold Palmer golf stories, before finally launching in on the border.”
Our bold. Golf stories! The longer story, once people had yelled at them enough, did seem to at least concede that Trump is progessively losing his fucking mind:
“At a Pennsylvania Rally, Trump Descends to New Levels of Vulgarity: The G.O.P. nominee repeated crude insults, and his supporters relished each moment. But the display could alienate swing voters.”
“Mr. Trump has always enjoyed shocking people, and in addition to cursing volubly, he enjoys talking about sex and men’s and women’s looks.
But in the past, he had refrained, for the most part, from being overtly crude publicly as a candidate or as president. Now, however, as he makes his third run for the White House and has become visibly angrier since Ms. Harris joined the race, there has been a notable uptick in such behavior.”
And more!
Washington Post: “Trump fixates on Arnold Palmer as ‘all man’ in showers during profane rally: Turning his attention to his rival after a meandering start, Donald Trump used profanity to insult Vice President Kamala Harris.”
CNN: “Trump’s closing pitch to voters begins with profane attacks and a lewd story about a Hall of Fame golfer”
Associated Press: “Trump kicks off a Pennsylvania rally by talking about Arnold Palmer’s genitalia”
Finally, the AP just whomps it out there, like LBJ!
Back in the real world, Palmer’s daughter Peg says that her father didn’t like Trump. In 2018, she told The Sporting News,
One moment stands out in my mind. My dad and I were at home in Latrobe. He died in September, so this was before the election. The television was on. Trump was talking. And my dad made a sound of disgust — like 'uck' or 'ugg' — like he couldn't believe the arrogance and crudeness of this man who was the nominee of the political party that he believed in. Then he said, 'He's not as smart as we thought he was,' and walked out of the room. What would my dad think of Donald Trump today? I think he'd cringe.
Don’t we all, Peg. Don’t we all!
>> Paging Tom of Finland! <<
And this was the moment when my loud and sonorous laughter shook the mousepad so severely that Substack registered a like for this post without my clicking a thing.
Full disclosure: I thoroughly enjoy profanity and dick jokes as much as your average Wonker. However, I'd rather not see someone who supposedly represents this country on the world stage be a vulgar, rambling, insane piece of flaming garbage. But maybe that's just me.