Trump Maaaaaay Not Do TOTAL EXONERATION Press Conference After All. Sorry If You Got A Babysitter Already.
Who among us (we did) saw this coming (we saw this coming)?
We called it. Again.
Yesterday, Wonkette had a jolly little post about poor Axios, having a panic attack and about to throw all its bullet points out the window, because it was freaked out over Donald Trump’s busy schedule. Court dates! Campaign events! Five things on his schedule in two weeks! What kind of meta-human can pull off such a feat!
Of course, one of those events he definitely didn’t have to go to, and another one Wonkette rated as “Likelihood of Trump canceling: We are guessing high.” Why? Because it was some dumbass MyPillow-esque press conference at Bedminster, announced on Truth Social, where Trump was allegedly going to BLOW THIS WHOLE THING WIDE OPEN!
This was the one where Trump said he had a “CONCLUSIVE” and “Large, Complex, Detailed but Irrefutable” report on election fraud that would result in “complete EXONERATION,” at which point all people everywhere would drop the charges against Trump. (Detailed but Irrefutable? We are beyond trying to figure out what kind of illiterate babbling rodent taught that man to speak English.)
This was the one where his announcement ended with him typing “RIGGERS” in all caps, and everybody was like “so that was obviously a typo.”
Well, you are going to be shocked all the way out of your pantaloons, because ABC News is reporting that the Bedminster Total Exoneration press conference might not be happening.
So relax-ios, Axios! Trump’s schedule for getting booked in the slammer is clearing up quite nicely!
ABC News says the event is “now very much in doubt,” according to its sources. They say literally all his legal advisers are saying now might not be the greatest time to stand up before God and man and lie about voter fraud and stolen elections some more. They’re saying it could “complicate his legal problems.” Some of the lawyers are telling him outright to fucking cut it out, goddammit.
Not long after Trump announced the very real press conference that was definitely going to happen, Maggie Haberman reported on it like it was a real thing. Said it was 100 pages long. Said it had been “in the works for many weeks.” Said it was put together partially by Liz Harrington, that one Trump spox who somehow comes off as stupider than all the rest, because she’s just such a wackjob. Haberman reported that Harrington was a real “true believer in the former president’s lies about a stolen election.”
For Christ’s sake.
Hey, perhaps the press conference will go on and Liz Harrington’s fingerpainting will show all the fraud, and since it is so Large, Complex, Detailed but Irrefutable, Trump will be TOTAL EXONERATION and Fani Willis will drop the charges.
Perhaps.
Or perhaps Trump’s Monday is free as a fucking bird, and he might want to enjoy what few of those kinds of days he has left.
In other, semi-related news, Trump was so busy this morning that he took time to fake-tweet at “Fox & Friends” whining that they always use that one unflattering picture of him.
You know the one. That one picture where he looks ugly, like he doesn’t have a chin. The one where he looks like a mound of topsoil and drag makeup had a head-on collision with a dump truck full of syphilitic bullfrogs barebacking in a giant vat of orange paint.
The camera got his bad side that day, OK?
Guess it’s illegal to take a bad picture now, huh libs.
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
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RIGGERS?
Really, TFG? RIGGERS?
The polite term is REGROES.
OT: My Dark Brandon coffee mug has shipped!