Usha Sat On The Couch
Mazel tov to them.
Well, well, Usha Bala Chilukuri Vance and her husband JD have announced they are expecting a fourth child, a boy, in late July! That means either Usha spatchcocked herself on a wet spot on the couch, got an embryo transplanted, or that she and JD Vance engaged in penetrative vaginal sexual intercourse with his penis and/or a turkey baster sometime in mid-September. Right around when Charlie Kirk’s widow stroked JD’s hair!
And after their romantic family vacations getting booed together in Vermont and the Cotswolds.
From Vance’s X account:
Yr Wonkette was once well-known as a bit of pregnancy expert! That whole thing comparing embryo size to a fruit or food, I invented that, personally weighing and measuring each fruit against fetal growth charts. Then my publisher licensed the rights to the pregnancy calendar section of my book to BabyCenter, and they took my copy, expanded on it, then went on and acted like they thought of that idea first. They did not! Such is nonfiction copyright law.
My expertise also included consulting for Ok! magazine on baby bumps, such as on Britney’s with what turned out to be Jayden. The trick is detecting lower-ab smoothness versus a dunlap, when a lady’s gut flab just done lapped over her pants. Anyway, Usha’s fetus is about the size of a mango, has teeth and eyebrows, and given her small frame and abdominal muscles that have been stretched and kicked at by three previous babies, at 18-20 weeks the bump is probably starting to get noticeable.
And Usha is also 40 years old, and JD is 41, OOOF. Women in the US have worse pregnancy outcomes than anywhere else in the developed world because of crappy prenatal care, but advancing maternal age is a big part of it too. The risks of complications like stillbirth (fetal death after 20 weeks) start steadily going up as one ages past their 20s, accelerates after 35, and then from ages 40-49 the risk of stillbirth becomes double what it was at 30. And other complication risks go up too, like pre-eclampsia, chromosomal abnormalities, and gestational diabetes. JD’s dusty old sperm also gifted the baby a higher risk of conditions linked to genetic abnormalities like schizophrenia, autism, and congenital heart disease. Old sperm like his is even linked to a higher risk of pregnancy complications in the man’s partner regardless of the woman’s age! And, if fetal death unfortunately does happen, not passing the fetal tissue can kill a woman from sepsis.
But Usha lives in abortion-happy Washington DC, and here the Vances are bragging about the EXCELLENT CARE she is getting from military doctors, so all you terrified pregnant people in shithole states can suck it. Thanks to Pete Hegseth, military hospitals also aren’t allowed to intervene unless it’s an emergency situation to save a woman’s life. In practice, that is subjective — just exactly how close to death does a woman have to be before doctors are willing to take the legal risk of removing a dead/dying baby? Wrong calls have already horrifically killed women and inflicted on dozens of others suffering and/or permanent injury in no-choice states thanks to draconian anti-abortion laws pushed by Usha’s old-sperm-shooting husband.
The Vance kids Ewan (8), Vivek (5), and 3-year-old Mirabel do not have to worry about mommy being killed by a dead sibling, though, the regime cares about Usha Vance! And she and the kids will always have protection so they won’t have to worry about getting dragged out of cars and locked up with no due process by ICE officers trying to make quota who refuse to look at their IDs, because they have a foreign vibe. The only moral foreign vibe is MY foreign vibe!
It was a foreshadowing courtship, Usha and JD. They met in 2010 at a discussion titled “social decline in white America” at Yale Law School, and became partners on a writing assignment. Vance was immediately smitten: “She seemed some sort of genetic anomaly, a combination of every positive quality a human being should have: bright, hardworking, tall and beautiful.” (Genetic anomaly, what a choice of words!)
At first Usha was more interested in studying than in James David Hamel, though he’d eagerly confessed his love on their first date. But after he had a bad job interview and pitched a bitch fit, running out of their hotel and into the streets of DC, Usha ran after him crying and so worried, and told him he could never run out on her like that again. And thus the dynamics of their codependency began!
The man later to be known as JD Vance wasn’t a rabid “they’re eating the dogs, they’re eating the cats” racist back then, either. Obviously. His pre-VP-selection dossier tracked his comments as a “never Trump guy” who “never liked him,” believed Trump’s sexual assault accusers, and fretted that Trump’s popularity was fueled by “racial resentment” and was “leading people into racially ugly attitudes” and “pulling them in a more racist direction.” He’d pooh-poohed the border wall and the “Muslim ban,” called Trump supporters “idiots,” and agreed there was some truth in Hillary Clinton’s statement that Trump supporters were a “basket of deplorables.”
REMEMBER WHEN?
But in 2011 Vance met Peter Thiel when he spoke at Yale, and decided to get into Silicon Valley venture capital kind of law. In 2013 Vance moved to San Francisco to work in a biotech startup Thiel had invested in, and in 2014 he married Usha in an interfaith Hindu and Christian ceremony in Kentucky.
Somewhere in there he also authored the foundational myth of himself, Hillbilly Elegy, which came out in 2016, and also in 2016 Thiel hired Vance as a principal at Mithril Capital, a venture capital firm Thiel had co-founded, where Vance picked investments like Rumble and the Hallow prayer app. In 2019 Thiel backed Vance for his own VC firm, Narya Capital. Then in 2021 Vance entered politics as a Republican candidate, said he was all wrong about Trump, and disavowed all his past statements. When Vance said Trump was America’s Hitler, he reckoned he didn’t mean in a bad way!
His marriage has got to be so fucking awkward for the replacement-theory white supremacists, though. And what did Usha think about JD publicly wishing that she would convert to Christianity, even though he married her in an interfaith ceremony, do vows mean nothing any more? It’s got to be awkward for their kids at school. The Vances send them to Catholic school in DC, surely diverse, and are letting them choose their own religion, which seems progressive of them. Though to hardcore MAGA, “anchor baby” Usha and the kids will never be real Americans because of the color of their skin. Not even if Usha renounces the “flute God” and becomes a dipped Baptist and dips the kids too.
Could MAGA go for the Vances and a “genetic anomaly” first lady after Trump is gone to wherever he will eventually go, and forget about how they sneered that Kamala Harris was going to make the White House smell like curry? Why not, hypocrisy is a feature.
Still, it’s got to be extra hard for the kid named Vivek. Was he named after Ramaswamy?
Anyway, here is hoping for a healthy and safe delivery for Mrs. Vance, even though she and her husband endorse other women being sentenced to death for the crime of being pregnant.
May their baby be so adorable it melts all the racists’ frozen little hearts, and they embrace multiculturalism and denounce the terrorism of brown people on our American streets, AMEN.
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In a perfect world, Vance Kid IV will grow up to be a fabulous drag queen called "Warm Pleatherette."
I feel sorry for that child and all of jd's children having to grow up in that household.