When In Doubt, Just Make Up A Weird Story About Ted Kaczynski
Did you know we went to summer camp together?
Donald Trump has really been going through it over the last week, what with everyone wanting to know what’s in the Epstein files even though he’s repeatedly told them to pay no attention to the pedophile behind the curtain. Perhaps that is why, when speaking at the Pennsylvania Energy & Innovation Summit, he ended up telling an entirely fabricated story about his uncle and Ted Kaczynski.
“I have to brag just for a second,” Trump said. “Because when I first heard about AI, you know, it’s not my thing, although my uncle was at MIT, one of the great professors, 51 years, whatever. Longest-serving professor in the history of MIT.”
Not true! He was there for a long time, but not true,
“Three degrees in nuclear, chemical and math.”
Trump’s uncle was an electrical engineering professor with none of those degrees.
“Kaczynski was one of his students — do you know who Kaczynski was?”
That would be Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber, who did not actually attend MIT.
There’s very little difference between a madman and a genius,” he added.
“I said, ‘What kind of a student was he, Uncle John?’ Dr. John Trump,” the President of the United States said, ever so wistfully. “He said, ‘What kind of a student? Man,’ he said. ‘Seriously good. He’d go around correcting everybody.’ But it didn’t work out too well for him. Didn’t work out too well.”
John Trump died in 1985, Kaczynski was not identified and arrested until 1996.
Now, granted, with degrees in “nuclear, chemical and math” it is entirely possible that Uncle John Trump figured out time travel, or how to jump from dimension to dimension. Did you know there is an entire subreddit of people who think their “Mandela effect” experiences mean that they’ve somehow jumped from an alternate universe to our slightly different universe? Several of those people think that they remember Kaczynski dying 20 years ago and Unabomber being spelled Unibomber, which doesn’t actually make any sense because the reason he was called UNABOM by the FBI was because he was bombing Universities and Airlines. Duh.
Now, that’s a possibility! But it’s also a possibility that Trump — madman/genius that he is — is just 5D chess-ing all of us!
You see, according to certain Trump superfans, he is constantly playing 5D chess and every single thing he does that seems bad, or everything he says that sounds like a lie, everything he says that sounds completely batshit, is actually part of a meticulous plan to … I don’t know, do something else. Something genius! This is why, contrary to what one might think, most QAnon folks are on Trump’s side with this whole Epstein thing. Yes, the people who have spent the last decade freaking out over imaginary pedophile rings are now the ones defending Trump’s decision to not release the files, which he and they both believe are fake Epstein files created by the Obama and Biden administrations for the purpose of taking Trump down and then. And then they really did the nefarious part, by not releasing them!
Others claim that he’s doing it in order to trigger the Streisand Effect to make people talk about them more and trick Democrats into demanding their release, which is what they need to take down the cabal. For reasons.
Here, let this incredibly smug woman, MelissaRedpill, explain it all to you.
So perhaps — perhaps! — he is telling bizarre stories about Ted Kaczynski so that we talk about that instead of Epstein, while simultaneously trying to Streisand Effect Epstein. Whatever, don’t ask questions! Trust the plan!
It’s not a bad idea, actually, and I’m considering using it myself. Like, the next time I get stopped by Jehovah’s Witnesses on the way to the supermarket (how is this even a thing now?), I will just start talking to them about my good pal Ted Kaczynski. Some weird guy talking to me at a bar while I’m trying to read literally every single thing about people who think they were not born in this dimension? “Well, let me tell you about the time I went to summer camp with Ted Kaczynski and we made friendship bracelets!”
It’s perfect! And it doesn’t have to be just Kaczynski either. Surely relatives who would like to inquire about my personal life would love to hear of my time in the Manson family.
Of course, that may not always work. I once met a guy who said he went to prison with Ted Bundy and I had a lot of questions for him … which in retrospect does seem like a bad idea on my part. (He didn’t seem especially murdery and he knew my cousin, so probably it was fine?)
Still, it’s not a bad tactic to have in one’s arsenal, as the combination of time travel and palling around with sociopaths is bound to shut at least a few annoying people up. Turns out you can learn something from anyone, even a madman.
PREVIOUSLY ON WONKETTE!
When I got my triple PhD in acting, physics, and axe murdering from Berkley School of Actioneering I was highly qualified and went to work on a little-known Fox sitcom with Ted Bundy called "Married with Cuckoos." We split atoms and our crass antics annoyed our uptight French neighbors, the Curies.
When you write about me, please note that I'm not a lunatic.
Jake Tapper crucified Biden for less