Who Will Be Kamala Harris’s VP Mystery Date?
Stud or dud? Or even a lady?
FOR FUN TIME PURPOSES ONLY! FOR GIVING YOU YOUR FANTASY BASEBALL DREAM TEAMS AND SOMETHING AROUND WHICH TO COMMENT!
Conventional (heh) wisdom holds that for her vice president, presidential Democratic nominee in waiting Kamala Harris needs to pick a dry white guy from a swing state, to balance out the spiciness of maybe being the first lady president ever and also of color. Harris needs somebody who’s bland as a bowl of grits, they say, but who still brings something to the table. But that’s not how your Wonkette does. Wonkette’s different. Wonkette’s a cool mom(myblog)!
Just for funzies, who are the top potential contenders, in no particular order? Let’s see!
Behind door number one, it’s the governor of Kentucky, Andy Beshear!
Pros: He was somehow able to win three statewide races as a Democrat in deep-red Kentucky, first as attorney general and then twice as governor. Being from a rural state, he’d fricassee and deep-fry hillbilly cosplayer JD Vance in a debate (but then again, that’s a really low bar). He’s already coming out brawling: “What I can tell you is JD Vance ain't from here ... He has the nerve to call people from eastern Kentucky lazy.”
Cons: In spite of his popularity in Kentucky with a whopping 62 percent approval rating, it seems unlikely he’d help Harris pick up the state’s eight electoral college votes. Trump beat Hillary Clinton by nearly 30 percent there in 2016.
Door number two, Arizona Senator Mark Kelly!
Pros: Former Navy combat pilot, AND an astronaut, very badass and butch. His wife Gabby Giffords survived being shot in the head, so he can speak with extra authority about gun control and the threat posed to the country by the violent-lunatic Right. Arizona borders Mexico and he’s criticized Biden for not securing the border enough, which could help the ticket re-brand and sing those anti-immigration songs that voters are apparently so desperately longing to hear.
Arizona is a swing state, and its 11 electoral college votes would be nice to have. It’s got a Democrat governor, Katie Hobbs, who could appoint someone to fill Kelly’s Senate seat until 2026, so Democrats wouldn’t have to sweat about losing it.
Cons: Arizona has fewer electoral college votes in play than, say, Pennsylvania.
Behind door number three, it’s North Carolina Governor Roy Cooper!
Pros: A popular two-term governor from a Southern swing state with a meaty 16 electoral college votes, tempting! Then there’s how since 1986, Cooper has never lost an election, so his charms are ample and he carries an extra-lucky opossum foot. He managed to get the state to expand Medicaid and used his veto power to temper Republicans’ ugliest bills, like the the-government-checking-your-genitals-before-you-use-the-bathroom one. Because of term limits, he’ll be out of a job on December 31 anyway, and it would be nice to upcycle him.
Cons: North Carolina’s Republican supermajority means that Cooper spent most of his time vetoing the disturbed shit that Republicans sent across his desk, and daring them to override it. Important work, but would it count to voters as an accomplishment? Also, he’s 67, so if the vibe the ticket is going for is “young,” it would be a better look to have someone who wouldn’t be starting the job older than retirement age.
And door number four! It’s Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro.
Pros: He’s the popular governor of a swing state with 19 electors, and relatively young, at 51. Yes, 51 is young, people! And fresh and sexy! He has a 57 percent approval rating as governor, and some darn good accomplishments, like automatic voter registration, terminating crisis pregnancy centers, and getting that collapsed bridge on I-95 re-opened in 12 days.
Cons: Josh Shapiro is Jewish and there’s a lot of anti-Semitism in this country, if you happened to not have noticed. Could middle America handle it? Also he’s only been governor since 2022, and Some People Are Saying it would be better if he had a longer track record than that.
Door number five, why not a lady? Why not the wolverine queen, Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer?
Pros: She’s got all the bonafides! She helped Democrats flip both chambers in the state Legislature for the first time in four decades, and signed the death warrant on the 1931 abortion ban. She signed into law a bill that would eliminate the asset test for anyone needing food assistance in her state. She was the near-victim of a foiled kidnapping plot by anti-vaxx loons, so you know she can take the heat. Michigan is a swing state with 15 electoral college votes, which would be nice to have.
Cons: Two ladies on the ticket? Independent white men’s balls would shrink to the size of raisins.
But while we’re talking ladies, how about Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar?
Pros: She’s good at calling out bullshit, and spoke out about how Amy Bony Carrot’s confirmation hearing was a scam. She grilled Brett Kavanaugh on if he’d ever been blackout drunk. She’s a sensible lady with infrastructure plans
Cons: Two ladies on the ticket? Conventional wisdom says independent white men’s balls, after shrinking to the size of raisins, would crawl back into their abdomens. Minnesota is a historically blue state, so Harris would not gain much with the addition of the Klob.
Door number we forget, it’s Mayor Secretary Vee-Pee Pete? He’s starting to sound like the Prince of Wales with all those titles!
Pros: He’s Midwestern Nice, so nice, too nice, oh no what just happened, he’s got a broken bottle in his hand and Fox News just got glassed! He’s the very very best at going on TV and cutting through the lies and talking points, never getting flustered, with that nice Indiana smile. He’s got a sweet stay-at-home husband and adorable fam.
Cons: Dems are having a rare moment of U-N-I-T-Y, and the “McKinsey consultant” is hard for Lefty friends to swallow. And can America handle First Gentleman AND Second Gentleman-The-Gay-Kind? We would frankly adore to find out!
And one more, Wes Moore! The guapo Governor of Maryland.
Pros: He’s 45 years young, a sexy Zaddy who pardoned 175,000 potheads. A Rhodes Scholar with a master’s in international relations from Oxford, and was a captain in the army. Military experience would be nice! He got the Port of Baltimore re-opened in an incredible 78 days after that fucking boat downed the Francis Scott Key Bridge, plus his children are adorable.
Cons: Maryland is as solid blue as it gets, its 10 electoral college votes are already safely Harris’s. And like Josh Shapiro, he’s only been governor for two years, not much time to have a track record. Also racists would lose their fucking minds.
Anyone else who should be on this list? Watch this space!
Something I was saying on the wonk zoom last night. VP Harris is now dominating the news cycle. She has created excitement, it will help turn out young people like never before. trump can not add to his voting base but VP Harris will. When I heard the announcement my first instinct, my incredibly strong gut feeling was we just won the election. The VP choice won't matter too much except to drive more media attention.
Best meme yesterday: Kamala on the phone, saying "Hello? Hello? Is this is Midwestern White Guy Emporium?"