Who's Ready For The Rapture?
You know, it really couldn't come at a better time.
According to a whole lot of people on the internet, and the prophetic dream of one South African pastor (and subsequently many others), either Tuesday or Wednesday of this week could be the day when all of the most faithful Christians in the world get vacuumed up into heaven and leave the rest of us down here to do God knows what. It will coincide with Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year — which, I have to say, seems a little rude.
Three months ago, in a YouTube video that has now been viewed over 550,000 times, Pastor Joshua Mhlakela explained that “The rapture is upon us, whether you are ready or not. I saw Jesus sitting on his throne, and I could hear him very loud and clear saying, I am coming soon,” adding that “He said to me on the 23rd and 24th of September 2025, I will come back to the Earth.”
I like that it’s going to be a two-day affair. After all, you wouldn’t want a rush job on the apocalypse.
Since then, many other prophets on YouTube and TikTok have said that they, too, have seen signs and had visions that confirmed to them that this is happening. Like this lady Briana, who is now my everything, whose daughter’s request for Alexa to play songs from iCarly resulted in her hearing this cover the cast did of Diddy and Skylar Grey’s “Coming Home,” which I guess reminded her of how much Jesus loves human trafficking?
Also too, she had a dream about Jesus asking her “Are you ready to get wet?” and since then, her tree has been raining. She’s had some trouble catching it on video!
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Well, if that’s not a sign, I don’t know what is.
There’s also this lady on TikTok offering hot rapture tips, and no one seems to be able to tell if it’s satire or not.
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It probably is not, since the rest of her videos are pretty Jesus-y.
This lady, who I’m not entirely unconvinced is not the same lady as the other two, but with an Australian accent, says her kid went to heaven to visit her aborted baby twins, who informed him that the rapture was a-coming.
Here’s another lady who might also be those same other ladies but with a hat? Anyway, she looked at her dashboard the other day and saw that it was 7:26, which for sure means that the rapture is coming.
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Something fell on this girl’s car while she was talking about the rapture. Was a it a person? Did they accidentally start too soon?
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Again, she kind of looks like the other girls, and I’m starting to wonder if there isn’t some Orphan Black situation going on here.
There’s this guy, who is very upset at the “mockers and scoffers” who haven’t even bothered to ask God if the apocalypse is nigh.
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Then there’s this fella, Brian, who is happy that we are “taking screenshots” of those who are about to be raptured and mocking them, because that way, once they are raptured, there will be a record of all of their claims, now proven to be true.
This gal, Melissa, is going even further, and leaving us all some dollar store Bibles complete with notes about how we can be saved.
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Here is Melissa again, wearing a Charlie Kirk T-shirt and listing how (other than cleaning her house and, we assume, wearing clean underwear) she is preparing for the rapture.
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I like that the list includes protein balls, anointing oils and putting her utilities on autopay. So thoughtful, Melissa!
From what I can tell from this Jack Chick comic about the apocalypse that lives rent-free in my head, we’re supposed to take the mark of the beast and then ride around town in guillotine-mobiles threatening to behead the slightly less faithful Christians who are still here and hoping to get saved, so that they can reject said mark and be saved.
Personally, I find this to be a bit of an imposition. Like, they’re the ones who believe in the death penalty, let them do their own beheadings if they want to impress Jesus so bad.
Still, now that I think about it, this really could not have come at a more opportune time. I mean, just think of how nice and relatively peaceful it will be without anyone trying to force a theocracy on us or force us to have babies against our will. Plus, we’ll pretty vastly outnumber all of the secular misogynist anti-LGBTQ+ folks out there — though maybe not in the UK, where there do seem to be a weird number of transphobic atheists — so that will be nice and peaceful.
Let’s just hope that all of these folks remember to register their pets at AfterTheRapturePetCare.com, so that we can take care of all of their pets. And also to give us all of their money, handbags, shoes and dresses ahead of time — you know, just to avoid creating chaos.
PREVIOUSLY ON WONKETTE!
"I saw Jesus sitting on his throne."
How many times have I heard, "Jesus Christ, close the door when taking a shit.". I had no idea.
“Are you ready to get wet?”
Ahhh. The eternal question to ask a young christian woman, I guess...