Why Does Trump Need 22 Specialists To Show Him Dementia Test Camels?
Trump has set a new record for specialists!
Here’s a weird one for you in the chronicle of Donald Trump’s ongoing health scares and hand bruises and apparently rapidly advancing dementia. Trump has reportedly set a new record for how many specialists looked at him a few weeks back, the last time he went to Walter Reed for his routine dementia tests/cankle exam/to have his anal glands expressed like a shih tzu.
Twenty-two. That’s how many.
Is that normal, oder … ?
The Washington Post reports on this figure, comparing it to HW Bush seeing five specialists in 1989 and W seeing 12 on his first checkup as president. And sure, when you are the leader of the free world, we imagine there are certain times where they really want to get under the hood and make extra certain there are no surprises lurking beneath.
Trump, of course, is not the leader of the free world, because the free world wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire. But any casual observer can tell there’s a lot wrong under his hood. So on one hand, it makes total sense that every specialist in the building would want to come by and look at how gross and fucked up his body and brain are.
Of course it leads us to ask what else the White House is lying about.
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And they are lying. Jonathan Last stated the obvious after Trump’s confused, agitated, and angry Meet The Press interview when he wrote that “The president’s medical team is about as trustworthy as Vladimir Putin’s. No credible explanations have been given for any of his obvious physical problems. There are no explanations for frequent medical appointments. His health records are only selectively released. His physicians tend to be Rasputin-style quacks.”
Likewise, in response to this news, Trump’s spokesfluffers are polishing his sack, releasing statements that say things like “The involvement of multiple specialists reflects a comprehensive, multidisciplinary evaluation consistent with best practices for executive-level medical care.” Sure, giant wanking motion dot gif, whatever.
“We have nothing to hide,” [an] official said.
Haha, OK. That must be why some of these specialists came from Harvard, Duke and other faraway places. You know a man’s brain and body are healthy when doctors start getting on airplanes to come gawk at them.
Meanwhile, a real doctor:
“It is an extraordinary number,” said Jonathan Reiner, a longtime cardiologist for former vice president Dick Cheney. “What specialties do they represent? Why so many?”
Doing more comparisons, the Post notes that Trump’s 22 break even his own number from last year, which was 14. Joe Biden in his last year in office saw 20. And thanks to Jake Tapper, it is now legal to admit that Joe Biden was very old.
Trump is turning 80 this weekend, or 140, or 9,000, making him the oldest, deadest president who ever lived. He falls asleep everywhere, including when he is ruining basketball games nobody wanted him to go to in the first place, where his very presence makes the team lose. (The Knicks broke the Trump Curse in Game 4 last night, coming back to beat the Spurs by one.)
Why all these specialists? Why all the dementia tests? Why the MRI back in the fall? Why is he going to the doctor every five seconds? What are those cankles? Why does his hands look like they’re about to literally fall off his body into a pile of ash and mucus on the floor?
And oh my God, what is that smell? (At least that is what we imagine lots of White House staffers are asking under their breath.)
These are the real questions, and the American people deserve answers.
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And all the specialists were strong and right out of central casting, and called him "Sir" with tears in their eyes (which I think might have been related to the odor).
1. General Practitioner
2. Hepatologist
3. Cardiologist
4. Gastroenterologist
5. Dermatologist
6. Psychiatrist
7. Another Psychiatrist
8. Another Psychiatrist
9. Another Psychiatrist
10. Brain Surgeon
11. Ronnie Jackson
12. Phrenologist
13. Mehmet Oz
14. Veterinarian
15. Osteopathologist
16 Neurologist
17. Nephrologist
18. Podiatrist
19. Phil McGraw
20. Marcus Welby
21. Witch Doctor
22. Cryologist