Would Somebody Let This Poor Republican Congressman Watch Some Dove Soap Commercials?
These people are normal and not even lunatics a little bit.
If you weren’t aware, the Republican-controlled House of Representatives held TWO important hearings yesterday on behalf of the people.
In James Comer’s Oversight Committee, they helped poor Lauren Boebert, who was confused and thought a recent Supreme Court ruling had rendered every rule ever made by any government agency UNCONSTUTITIONAL! She was so sure of it. The sound of the EPA administrator laughing at her is worth making into your ringtone.
In Jim Jordan’s Judiciary Committee, they had a hearing to sell some advertising for Ben Shapiro’s Daily Wire, or at least Jim Jordan was auditioning to be Shapiro’s new sexxxy ad sex-ecutive. Just try to keep that WAP dry, Ben Shapiro! You probably … can.
This was one of Jordan’s hearings about the whole world conspiring to laugh at white conservatives and refuse to sit with them at the lunch table, which is illegal and unconstitutional and “anti-trust” probably. “Collusion in the Global Alliance for Responsible Media,” Jordan called it, like a real congressman.
That’s why you had Actual Ben Shapiro in the House, being his regular old charming self and telling Eric Swalwell which activities of the weenus are sins. But that wasn’t that interesting, and frankly, Shapiro’s pocket protector was ready for that exchange. He’s used to talking about how all sex is icky and forbidden.
It’s also why you had this poor Republican congressman, Michael Rulli from Ohio, who went on the strangest rant because he hasn’t seen any Dove soap commercials in 20 years.
Remember that recent special election in Ohio, the one where the Republican still won, but the Democrat overperformed expectations by about 20 points, even though the Republican was extremely well-known in the district, and the Democrat was a waiter who spent approximately 20 bucks on his campaign? Michael Rulli is the boy wonder who got to go to Congress out of that race.
Poor Rulli explained that his family has owned grocery stores since 1917, so he knows what Dove is. He said his mom used to like it. He said his family uses Irish Spring now. Just a normal family that’s tribal about cheap, shitty soap.
But he’s been trying to think, when is the last time he saw a Dove ad? He can’t figure it out, we guess because Dove doesn’t advertise on any of the weird media his family watches. “At least 10 or 15 or 20 years!”
“If I was responsible to my shareholders, and I had to go there and I had to answer to them if I’m doing the best job possible for […] the protection of the brand!” This is conservatives’ sad argument for why companies are doing crime when they refuse to advertise on Nazi and fascist channels. That they are doing wrong by their “shareholders.”
“We never see a Dove soap ad! Ever!” exclaimed Rulli, like a serious man upset about a serious thing.
Poor guy just wants to watch Dove commercials.
The hearing also produced this bizarro clip where, as Aaron Rupar notes, Jim Jordan literally sounded like he was trying to be Ben Shapiro’s ad rep.
Does Unilever advertise on Ben Shapiro’s Daily Wire? Do the witnesses’ other companies advertise on Ben Shapiro’s Daily Wire? It has 50 million viewers in 90 days! It has 13 million followers!
What is Unilever’s target market, 18 to 48 women? Ben Shapiro, do any 18 to 48 women watch Daily Wire? WELL DO THEY?
Ben Shapiro said 65 percent of his listeners are 18 to 44, and 25 percent of those are women.
Which is a funny statistic in and of itself. But we already knew he was a ladies’ man.
WHY WON’T YOU SELL SHITTY SOAP TO THE ANTISOCIAL NAZI AND FASCIST WOMEN WHO TUNE IN EVERY DAY TO BEN SHAPIRO AND THE SEXLESS OAF MEN WHO WORK FOR HIM?
WHY WON’T YOU?
WHY WON’T YOU?
It is a conspiracy.
These are very serious people and definitely not lunatics, and when the American people don’t vote for them in November — yes even if Joe Biden insists on remaining old — we should all remember to act surprised and yell “RIGGED!”
[videos via Heartland Signal / Aaron Rupar]
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It's abundantly clear that Mr. Rulli never watched Steven Universe. Dove had a whole tie-in ad campaign promoting mental health and self-care, featuring Stevonnie, the Gem Fusion of Steven and his friend Connie.
https://www.dove.com/us/en/dove-self-esteem-project/our-mission/steven-universe.html
https://youtu.be/MKohUwlaWA4
Can't imagine why Dove never ran that on Newsmax or Breitbart.
With apologies to Prince, this is what it sounds like when idiots cry about Dove.