Your Democracy Super Bowl Packing List!

Going to the DNC? Here's what to bring!

By TheWxResearcher - Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=140856651

Mmm, Chicago in August. If you’ve ever enjoyed a steam room in a gym that is redolent with the scent of charred meats and the guttural yells of brawny people just enjoying a casual pile of sausage for third breakfast whilst clad only in CVS-brand thong underpants, you have basically been to Chicago (a perfect city) in August (a month). But since Wonkette is America’s most famous travelblog, it feels only right to provide some coaching on WHAT TO PACK FOR YOUR DNC! (After you let us shove beer and bacon down your gullets.)

FYI, yr Wonkette will be in our apartments and also in a lovely rented loft that looks like it was purpose-built for a single-season early ‘00s nighttime soap about cool twenty-somethings working in advertising and doing fucks. Your situation, alas, may be rather different.

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JOIN US!

Sunday, In The Bar, I Think It Will Be August 18!

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But whether you’re bunking three to a room with the drunken colleagues from your nonprofit, or forced to sleep on a rollaway cot while your fellow congressional staffer gets the bed because their back hurts (JOIN THE CLUB, DARRYL), or living it up in a deluxe suite on the 55th floor of some skyscraper hotel because you run a K Street lobbying firm and you’re so rich, these packing tips are for YOU!

ULTIMATE CHICAGO PACKING LIST FOR DNC ATTENDEES ET AL.

Water — Have you heard? H2O is the cooling treat all the girlies love! Even though the air will be mostly made of water, you will need this life-sustaining fluid. Bring your reusable water bottle and fill it up at appropriate stations. But also bring cash for street vendors hawking water, just in case the line inside the joint is too long at the water bar or whatever the fuck these liberal cult leaders decide is the best way to hydrate their disgusting acolytes (drinking your Tr*mper grandma’s tears doesn’t count, as they’re mostly made of Werther’s Originals and Chateau Diana).

Your photography equipment of choice — This city is photogenic as all get-out. It’s shiny and beautiful and full of architecture and a bigass lake and 18.5 miles of walkable lakefront trail, plus various parks and the such. Take some time to see the pretty stuff, if you can.

Your meds — You’re on them. Bring them. You may have a prescription for cannabis, but don’t bring that on the plane with you. If you get your hands on some here and then go to O’Hare and are like, “Oh, shit,” the great news is there are cannabis amnesty boxes at TSA and you can toss it in there. (We all wonder where it goes, and we all make the same dumb joke, so feel free to also make that dumb joke about the TSA staffers who smoke it all every night lololololol.)

A better idea? Get rid of your cannabis before you head back to O’Hare or Midway.

A cute little fan — These can be of the coquettish old-fashioned variety, the sturdy church type, or the sort that you charge via USB port and then wear around your neck.

Cash — Sometimes you will want to buy adorable and/or useful things. Sometimes you will simply want food or booze. Many Chicago restaurants and bars only accept cash. I know that’s weird to those accustomed to relying on a debit or credit card, but it makes more financial sense for them.

SPF (and a hat) — The sun, it burns us! Here is more info from the Skin Cancer Foundation, a small and hardworking nonprofit. It can happen to people with any skin tone, and we must take care of our stunning human bodies!

An appetite for COMEDY — Obviously you will want to attend The Paper Machete on Sat., Aug. 17, from 3 p.m. to 5 p.m. (doors open at 1) at the historic Green Mill in Uptown! It’s a long-running weekly live magazine and the home of avian puppet op-ed columnist Chad the Bird, recently praised by the New York Times. The illustrious

Robyn Pennacchia

and I recently attended this show, and we loved it! It’s always packed, so arrive early. The lineups aren’t announced until the day before, but there is a rumor that I will be performing, although I cannot confirm or deny this thing that is listed on my website already.

Your insatiable appetite for independent bookstores — WE HAVE SO MANY. Here are a mere 46 of them out of a possible kajillion million billion trillion zillion.

Prophylactics — I don’t care what you people do with your consenting adult friends in the many fine alleys of Chicago, but I will remind you that there is no age limit on contracting a sexually transmitted infection! While there is thankfully much less stigma placed on such a situation today, it’s still not a walk in the frickin’ park, even if you get it while walking in the frickin’ park. So wrap it up, or whatever! You’re gonna get horned up for democracy and I simply won’t have you suffering as a result.

Tummy stuff — We eat here. We eat a LOT here. As you will recall from your favorite internal family systems documentary, “The Bear,” the food here is perfect. You will want to try all or most of it. But if you need your organic peppermint tea or your Tums to make your stomach feel better, bring it with you! When I travel for fun or profit, I like to pack some Imodium just to save myself the trouble of having to search a random Walgreens whilst shitting my entire ass at 3 a.m. I am, after all, a lady.

Masks — Getting the coco on the plane, the train, or the convention floor sounds gross and not-fun. Bring your masks and maybe some extras for somebody who forgets and then is like, “Wait, being around all these people is kind of gross and also I have underlying health issues so I need one of those, thank you.”

Now as Dawn’s California hippie mom used to say in The Babysitters Club books, “Have fun and be careful!” (Or it was Stacy’s mom, but whatever. Have fun and be careful.)