Your Iran Israel Lebanon Clusterfuque Update!
JD Vance to the rescue?
Here is a status check on America’s stupid and useless war on Iran: The Strait of Hormuz is still closed, the smooth-brained homunculus in the Oval Office is mad because Iran still plans on charging ships $2 million per to transit the strait, Israel is still bombing Lebanon, the Gulf states are worried Iran will emerge from the war stronger and more aggressive than before, gas prices have gone nuts, helping inflation rise to the highest levels in two years even as we haven’t even felt the full effect of the oil market disruption yet, and the rest of the planet is still pissed off at the United States for sucking.
Clearly, it is time to send in the big guns to negotiate an end to this conflict before events spin even further out of control! Unfortunately, Donald Trump is sending JD Vance, so we’re all fucked.
Vance left for Pakistan on Friday morning, where he plans to hook up with brain geniuses Steve Witkoff and Jared Kushner for the latest round of “Help America Solve the Problem It Caused for No Reason and Did You Even Say Thank You?” But first, the Vice President felt obligated to talk tough, warning the Iranians to not “play” the United States:
He cited Trump in saying, “If the Iranians are willing to negotiate in good faith, we’re certainly willing to extend the open hand.” But he added, “If they’re gonna try and play us, then they’re gonna find that the negotiating team is not that receptive.”
Vance then walked away from reporters before they could ask him why he’s talking like a cop pressuring an informant on a bad TV show. Listen, Bubba, you will go back to Ramirez and get me the information I need, or you can go back to jail and not see your little girl until she’s a grandmother. Don’t play me!
God, we love it when he talks tough. Someone really needs to take him aside and explain that, hey, Iran has all the leverage here. They know how unpopular this war is in America, they know the US doesn’t really want to send troops to forcibly open Hormuz because they risk getting bogged down in a bloody nightmare of a fight, they know every one of America’s allies is opposed to the war and have made it clear they won’t help us shoot ourselves in the dick, they know how easy it is to manipulate Trump into moving back every deadline he sets threatening that Iran better capitulate or else he’ll destroy their civilization, they know Steve Witkoff is an inexperienced boob who has gotten rolled by Russia when he’s tried to negotiate an end to the Ukraine war, they know Jared Kushner is a dilettante who cares about enriching himself more than he cares about helping his own country, and they know that JD Vance is an impotent man-child with an approval rating lower than the average winter temperature in Antarctica and about as much influence in the government as a dead squirrel splattered across the New Jersey Turnpike.
To put this all another way, you don’t see Secretary of State Marco Rubio getting anywhere near this clusterfuck, do you? No, he seems to have made himself scarce in recent days. Maybe there has been some sort of internal power struggle and he lost. Or maybe he’s smart enough to let other people take on this dog’s breakfast of a situation and not get shit on his ill-fitting Florsheims.
We don’t mean Rubio is smart as in brainy. We mean he’s smart in the instinctive art of self-preservation, a wounded animal escaping the hunters chasing it.
The New York Times on Friday could not write a story about the situation without making Vance sound like a reluctant hero riding to the rescue. Whether that was because the Times loves Vance or because his allies are quietly reminding MAGA and everyone else that their guy always thought this war was a bad idea the whole time so don’t blame him for this mess, we can’t say.
But when you read a story that starts off with “Weeks after Vice President JD Vance privately warned President Trump of the costs of a full-scale war with Iran, he is now leading the charge to negotiate” an end to it, you have to wonder if someone is trying to send a message that Vance is a heroic elder statesman. Just in case any Republicans are quietly wondering if maybe they should try and force the president from office via impeachment or the 25th Amendment and replace him with the callow young ‘un who is next in line.
Meanwhile, one of Iran’s big asks will be that Israel stop bombing Lebanon before they agree to any sort of deal with the United States. Otherwise, the already-shaky ceasefire will likely implode. On Thursday, Bibi Netanyahu at least agreed to open talks with the Lebanese government, even while Israel continues attacking the country. Knowing Netanyahu, he probably just figured he’d buy himself some time by pretending to cooperate. And frankly, given what a bunch of morons is in charge of US policy here, it is probably a good bet.
That is your Iranian War update for the weekend. Join us next week for the continued humiliation of America being the bad guys getting their asses kicked in this mess.
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Though Gary is one of my favs, I am boycotting this article on account of 1. I am trying to enjoy my birthday and 2. Two articles on this smary bastard in one day violates at least one of the Geneva Conventions.
And you're only 58 once, amirite?
So the most powerful navy in the world tries to force the Strait and is repulsed by a mixture of mines and shore batteries. So they send in marines and army who bog down attacking up mountains straight off the beaches. Eventually they give up.
Oh, sorry, that was the Gallipoli Campaign.