Zut Alors! Are The French Going To Assassinate Candace Owens Like They Assassinated You-Know-Who?
Obviously not, but it does seem like she might be having a full-on nervous breakdown.
One thing you will notice about a lot of right-wing griftosphere personalities is that they are highly motivated by criticism and social rejection. We’ve seen it a bajillion times over by now — the guy who gets in trouble for sexual harassment or assault, disappears for a while and comes back sounding like Rush Limbaugh; the person who got criticized for saying something shitty and then turns their whole personal brand into “person who says shitty things and stands by them,” and so on.
But one of the most legendary tales in this genre is the Ballad of Candace Owens.
Owens, you see, originally attempted to be a left-wing influencer. I know, I know, you are thinking “How did we miss out on this?!?!” Well, you see, once upon a time, as recently as 2016, Owens hoped to be the greatest social justice warrior of all. She attempted to launch a website called “Social Autopsy,” which was meant to be a database of the “digital footprint of individuals and companies,” for the purpose of doxing internet trolls. She imagined she would be hailed as a feminist hero for this move, but as it turned out, pretty much everyone on the left found the entire concept wholly disturbing and an invasion of privacy with the potential to cause serious harm.
Owens ended up getting doxed herself and — despite the fact that there had been criticism of her idea from all sides — decided it was “the left” what done it. She immediately lost her mind and transformed into the far-right grifter we all know and love today.
“I became a conservative overnight,” Owens later said. “I realized that liberals were actually the racists. Liberals were actually the trolls … Social Autopsy is why I’m a conservative.”
Yeah. So why am I telling you this story? Well, Owens has once again experienced some rejection and this time, it may have pushed her off the edge completely.
As you have probably blocked out, Owens has been spending a large part of her time these days transvestigating Brigitte Macron, wife of French president Emmanuel Macron, who she believes deep in her heart was assigned male at birth. She wasn’t, Macron is a cis woman, but even if she weren’t, who the hell cares?
Well, Candace Owens cares, and she’s been very frustrated lately that she cannot get many people to care along with her, not even her favorite president, Donald J. Trump, who told her to drop it earlier this year and did not even invade France to defend her honor when the Macrons filed a lawsuit against her. Perhaps that rejection is what has caused her to go fully off the deep end and announce that she has it on special authority that the Macrons hired a team of assassins to kill her … just like they killed Charlie Kirk.
URGENT
Two days ago I was contacted by a high-ranking employee of the French Government. After determining this person’s position and proximity to the French couple, I have deemed the information they gave me to be credible enough to share publicly in the event that something happens.
In short, this person claims that the Macrons have executed upon and paid for my assassination. Yes, you read that correctly. More specifically, that the green light was given to a small team in National Gendamarie Intervention Group. [sic] I am told there is one Israeli that is on this assasination [sic] squad and the plans were formalized.
Again, this person provided concrete proof that they are well placed within the French government apparatus.
Yes. The Macrons paid a group of GIGN agents — who are traditionally involved with counterterrorism, hostage negotiation and providing protection for government officials — to assassinate Candace Owens. The Israelis are in on it as well, which is pretty strange, given that France and Israel have not been on the best of terms ever since Macron recognized the Palestinian state earlier this year. I guess hatred of Candace Owens, who isn’t even really all that influential anymore, makes strange bedfellows.
Further to this point, this person claims that Charlie Kirk’s assassin trained with the French legion 13th brigade with multi-state involvement.
Journalist Xavier Poussard’s life is also at risk. This is deadly serious. The head of state of France apparently wants us both dead and has authorized professional units to carry this out.
I ask that every person RETWEET and share this.
I do not know who in the American government can be trusted, since this source claims our leaders are aware. But I have more specific information which is definitively verifiable, should they care to reach out to me.
To the brave official in France who did this because they were so moved by the evil of Charlie’s public execution to risk their own life— May God bless you. Truly.
Let all be revealed.
I am not entirely clear on why France would have devoted so many resources to training a random kid from Utah to kill Charlie Kirk, but clearly this is very reliable information.
To be clear, this was not just a one-off. She continued on this trip throughout the weekend and this morning.
On Saturday, she wrote:
I am told that payments for assassinations are running through the Club des Cent in France.
This means there is a paper trail and I encourage the patriots of France to do what you can to uncover it.
I would again like to stress that there was a French female assassin but also a male, Israeli assassin that were selected to kill me.
These are joint state operations.
It is not clear whether the Club des Cent she is referring to is the gastronomic club for fancy French men or the cycling club for bikers who have completed 100 mountain passes, but either would be hilarious. I’m also not clear why, if this is a government operation by a government entity, why additional payment would need to be involved. I mean, are they freelancing? How does this work, precisely?
On Monday morning, she posted the following missive twice.
When everything is said and done, and the public learns that Macron allegedly moved 1.5 million dollars for my assassination, how will the world respond?
Surely we will all cry out into the night “Sacre bleu! Je suis un ananas! Où est la bibliotheque? La vie en rose!” and every other phrase we remember how to say in French, while shaking our fists to the sky and mourning the loss of one of America’s premier hatemongering lunatics.
Owens has amassed some amount of support from a few of her fellow grifters, most notably Telegram founder and CEO Pavel Durov, who was arrested and indicted in France last year on charges related to the dissemination of child sexual abuse material, drug trafficking and fraud that has occurred on his app. Durov finds Owens’s claims “entirely plausible” and definitely isn’t just mad at France right now or anything. She’s also secured support from the equally relevant “ex-gay” Milo Yiannopoulos and Rogan O’Handley, better known as the right-wing Twitter personality DC Draino and, well, that seems to be it for now.
However, most of those responding to these posts, even those who share her politics, appear to be concerned for her mental welfare and the fact that she appears to be suffering from paranoid delusions or a psychotic break. Owens, as previously established, really does not do well with rejection, so it’s entirely possible that this has broken her.
Either that or she just wants people to send her money for “protection” and is entirely aware that there are no French/Israeli special forces getting ready to kill her in exchange for $1.5 million provided by the president, his wife, and their friends in the club for fancy food snobs.
But you never know.
PREVIOUSLY ON WONKETTE!
Hey y’all, did you know that I’m currently in the US visiting from France? And am trained in the lethal arts of derisive laughing? I’m not saying I’m here to mock Candice to death, but I’m not not saying that either.
"Are The French Going To Assassinate Candace Owens Like They Assassinated You-Know-Who? "
The Day of the Jackass