Somebody has a crush.
Somebody does not want to have a crush, but he has one.
His daddy says, “He ain’t worth a lick. When it comes to brains he got the short end of the stick.” But Jesse’s young and man, he just don’t care. He’d follow Abdul El-Sayed anywhere.
We are of course discussing what has happened to Jesse Watters, in his heart, ever since he interviewed Michigan Democratic Senate hopeful Abdul El-Sayed earlier this week. If you’ll remember, El-Sayed absolutely handed Jesse his ass, and not only that, he made him laugh multiple times completely against his will. That’s right, Jesse Watters got nonconsensually tickled, on the funny bone.
Here is Jesse confessing his love on The Five yesterday:
WATTERS: In this case I thought the interview was fine. I thought he was compelling, he’s a confident guy, kind of a guy’s guy, but I don’t trust him. You know, I like him, I don’t wanna like him, I like him for some stupid reason, but he’s not right for Michigan!
Yeah we see the bargaining happening here. He hates him, he hates him, just kidding he loves him forever! He’s a guy’s guy, and he’s so sweet and funny and he’s NOT RIGHT FOR MICHIGAN!
Suuuuuure.
Jesse spent a lot of the interview, while he was falling in love, declaring to El-Sayed that THEY’RE NOT GONNA GO FOR THAT IN MICHIGAN and whatnot. We guess in this case “Michigan” was Jesse’s fickle heart.
Maybe it was when Abdul El-Sayed asked him about his ding-a-ling.
Indeed, Jesse Watters did suggest that maybe he lost control when El-Sayed asked about his ding-a-ling. (If you don’t know what we’re talking about, you’ll need to go back and watch it.)
WATTERS: Well I guess everybody now knows I’m circumcised. You know usually you look at the headlines and if the headline is all about your penis, usually you’ve done something very wrong.
But no, he had done nothing wrong. Because the very next thing he said was the thing above about “In this case I thought the interview was fine!” His interview with Dr. El-Sayed The Ding-A-Ling Asker was fine!
So this is all very funny, but we do want to suggest that something may be changing in the year of our Lord 2026. It’s long been considered a fairly hard and fast rule that there’s no value in Democrats going on Fox News and subjecting themselves to the white supremacist, homophobic, transphobic propaganda, lying and abuse. It’s not journalism, it’s not a public service, it’s entertainment for bigots whose kids don’t call to check on them. And it’s designed and clipped and edited that way.
There’s for a while now been a sort of carve-out for Pete Buttigieg, who has exhibited a particular talent for throwing sand in Fox News’s gears and fucking its vile hosts up live on air.
But regular normie Democrats? Nah.
But maybe it is time for some new rules, now that Team Fight is exerting itself. (Sorry, we reject the media-driven bullshit that there is an eternal civil war between the “establishment” and the “DSA,” and you should too. It’s Team Fight vs. Team Wants Us To Think It’s Fighting But Also Wants To Get Campaign Money From The Same PACs Who Support The Republicans And Also Doesn’t Want The DC Party Invites To Stop.)
Maybe now that this younger crop of candidates has come along and started kicking the shit out of people, we should start allowing for the possibility that more of these people should go on Fox News and kick the shit out of them. Because, to be clear, that seems to be a thing they enjoy and are good at.
Can you imagine Jon Ossoff going on there right now and dropping a “Natalie” on them to their faces? Google and see how bruised they are about that particular situation, even today. Now imagine that low, even-keeled, “I am your daddy and also your father” voice politely informing Watters or one of their even weaker, more beta men, like Will Cain, who is the boss of them.
One of the most dangerous things about interviews like the Watters/El-Sayed one is that they expose to Fox News viewers that those hosts have been lying to them through their teeth for years, scaring the shit right out of their buttholes for fun and profit, because scaring chairborne racist MAGA senior citizens is literally their business model.
And then El-Sayed comes on and says Ooooooh I’m so scary, I think you should have healthcare, and then calmly explains who is trying to fuck them out of having that.
We could see James Talarico doing his version of this. We know they’re absolutely charmed by Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Zohran Mamdani.
Here are some clips of Fox News anchors drooling over how hot Democrats and Democratic Socialists are. They might be hate-drooling, but that don’t matter, it requires the same mop.
We are just saying. Maybe it’s time for these Democrats to start speaking more directly to the Fox News idiots. If nothing else, it’d make for some hilarious TV.
[Watters videos via Acyn]
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Watch your tires Abdul.
No, I do not want to go watch Jesse Walters talk about his dingy. It's 8 A.M. Evan. That conversation is for never o'clock.