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Axios Can Now Confidently Report That Joe Biden Wears Tennis Shoes
Politico and Fox had the scoop in July, but Axios wanted to make sure.
But not today.
Today, Axios has a SCOOP! and it is that the entire national security apparatus of the United States of America has been mobilized to prevent President Falls-A-Lot from fall down go boom.
Is that what they’re doing?
As voters express deep concerns about the 80-year-old president's age and fitness for office, Biden's team is taking extra steps to prevent him from stumbling in public — as he did in June, when he tripped over a sandbag at the Air Force Academy.
With a physical therapist, Biden has been doing exercises to improve his balance as far back as November 2021.
Exercises, the bullet point says? How long has this madness been going on? Oh, it says almost two years. We should have read to the end of the bullet point.
Since his stumble in June, he has been wearing tennis shoes more often to avoid slipping — and using the short stairs on Air Force One, entering the plane on a lower deck than before.
Tennis shoes, heaven forfend! And he’s not even scaling the side of the plane with his sticky spider feet like he used to.
Can we trust this man not to start a land war against NATO?
Why it matters:
Because again, the scoop is “tennis shoes.”
Axios went to print because it got multiple sources (and publicly available pictures going back months) to confirm that “tennis shoes.” (We should note that Fox Business had the scoop of “tennis shoes” two months ago, as did Politico. We guess it took Axios two additional months to confirm its own independent reportage.)
Axios includes the requisite anonymous quotes from “many Democrats” and “senior Democrats” who are furious with Biden, or terrified Biden will fall, or just generally having an ennui about Biden.
Then Axios writes each one of these bullet points to explain that it’s uncovered incontrovertible evidence that an 80-year-old man has arthritis:
Biden works out many mornings with physical therapist Drew Contreras, who also worked with former President Obama.
Biden's doctor has recommended exercises for balance, which he called "proprioceptive maintenance maneuvers."
What the maneuvers entail is unclear.
"I have never heard the term 'proprioceptive maintenance maneuvers.' It is not a clinical term in standard use," said Professor James Gordon, associate dean and chair of the Division of Biokinesiology and Physical Therapy at the University of Southern California.
“What the maneuvers entail is unclear” is what a real human being employed by Axios typed about the president’s motherfuckin’ exercises.
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So this has been cool. What have we learned? We have learned that nobody wants Joe Biden to fall down and he has arthritis like a common 80-year-old and sometimes he does some exercises but Axios hasn’t personally done Silver Sneakers with him so they don’t know which ones he does.
Oh yes, and we learned “tennis shoes.”
Thanks for all your hard journalistic work, guys.
At the bottom of the article Axios mentions in passing that youthful 77-year-old raging cum-stallion Donald Trump accused Joint Chiefs of Staff Chair Mark Milley of treason this weekend and accused NBC News of treason this weekend. Then it starts talking about Joe Biden being old again.
Axios does not include the fact that Trump expressed awe and wonderment last night over migrants possessing cell phones, asked sincerely if the veterans of our armed forces possess cell phones, and then embarked on an extended soliloquy about windmills giving orcas clinical depression, anxiety, and probably erectile dysfunction.
It could have included those things, but it was too busy linking to polls that show that when the Dunning Krugers of the Beltway Journalism and Polling Club incessantly call American voters and ask them if they’re worried about Joe Biden’s oldness, some Americans say they have concerns.
The White House is making fun of Axios. “Move over, tan suit!”
White House Comms Director Ben LaBolt replied to Deputy Press Secretary Andrew Bates to confirm that this is “The single greatest scandal in presidential history (since President Obama wore a tan suit).”
We are all stupider because Axios went to work this morning.
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.