We guess they are really scratching the bottom of the barrel when it comes to recruiting at Kash Patel’s joke of an FBI these days. Either that, or they’re just really trying to make sure their recruits are as creepy and weird and douchey as Kash himself. Or both.
Regardless of the exact motivations, CBS News is reporting that certain hiring standards at the FBI have been notably, um, reduced. Back in June, they “quietly lowered” some standards that earlier would have automatically disqualified applicants, so that they now appear to allow all of the following:
Have hired sex workers, as long as it wasn’t more than three (3) times, and as long as it was at least 10 years ago.
Stole from your old employer? That’s OK, as long as it was more than three (3) years ago!
Did some bestiality? As long as you were under 18 at the time!
They just want to consider the “whole person,” one of CBS News’s sources says.
Oh boy.
Does it sound to y’all like they were rewriting these rules to let specific people in? Like maybe there was some guy named Carl whose background check popped for prostitution and stealing and bestiality, so they wrote up some exceptions for Carl?
Dunno, it just sounds like that to us.
CBS has a bizarre statement from an FBI spox attempting to explain that particular change:
An FBI spokesperson confirmed that some changes to the eligibility requirements have taken place, but claimed they are limited to a narrow set of circumstances, such as in cases where a person was sexually abused with animals as a child.
Wait, what? That’s, again, oddly specific, and also sounds like bullshit.
They say this is all about applicants failing related questions on polygraphs. But CBS’s sources say it indeed is bullshit: “Sources told CBS News that the new eligibility requirements do not distinguish between candidates who were coerced into sexual activity with animals, as opposed to those who engaged in such acts willingly.” Additionally, one of CBS’s sources explains that if there was some kind of terribleness in somebody’s past that might trip a wire in a polygraph test like that, there were already ways they could bring that up and flag that, as part of the process.
Moreover:
Former FBI agent James Davidson, who now leads the nonprofit FBI Integrity Project, opposes changing this standard.
“Bestiality is clearly a potential indication of a more serious emotional issue, and even in a circumstance where it is not, the pool of candidates should be extensive enough that the criteria should certainly not be eliminated,” he said.
Ah yes, but therein lies the problem! Because the FBI just isn’t an esteemed place to work anymore, not during the Trump regime. So we wouldn’t be surprised if the pool of candidates these days is just absolutely humanity’s table scraps.
Plus, Kash is always firing people after paranoid polygraph crusades — gotta weed out the 100 percent of humans who think Kash is a pathetic loser, can’t have them working at the FBI! Also whoever is leaking that Drunk is not as Think as you always Kash he is! And Iran experts, gotta fire them, because they might have once worked on an investigation that involved Dear Leader, and that is a sin! Literally anybody who ever worked on an investigation into Dear Leader must go, in fact!
They’ve driven out just obscene numbers of people, over 1,000 special agents in 2025 alone, according to this article.
![Here's Your Video Of Kash Patel Humiliating Himself Before Congress, His Family And [Hic!] Trump](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/$s_!WT7Y!,w_140,h_140,c_fill,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep,g_auto/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ffb3ff9a1-7c40-4ba0-8f0c-103e8b91a3d1_2734x1468.png)
Point is, dumbfuck with the creepy eyes is firing a lot of people. And no person with integrity or skill or decency actually wants to work in the Trump regime’s FBI.
Davidson, the former FBI agent quoted above, confirmed to CBS News that "If they are lowering standards, it means the pool of candidates has sufficiently shrunk.” And DC lawyer Mark Zaid, whose name you often see representing former FBI agents and the like, says similar: “How can this not be reflective of a recruiting problem at the FBI if you are lowering your standards on issues like bestiality and prostitution?”
But what if some people who did some bestiality might be really interested?
CBS News references a video Kash Patel put up on July 27 where he said this in an interview with former FBI agent John Nantz:
“We are losing too many qualified candidates to the rigors of the requirements from yesteryear,” he said, citing as one example a new and more relaxed rule on hiring people with prior law enforcement experience.
“We’ve never had recruiting numbers and application numbers this high in the history of the bureau. We’re not reducing our standards — we’re actually making it harder. You’ve got to be fit to be an FBI agent.”
Oh, those rigorous yesteryear requirements!
In summary and in conclusion, America is going awesome, that’s why it gets lakes named after it.
[CBS News]
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"I've had a long career in shopping mall guarding. But do they call me Dan the Guardian of Malls? No. But you fuck one goat..."
I'm assuming you get a bonus for pedophilia?